Thoughts for the day: Spanish Class (Mi Amor)

I've been thinking lately about you. You've been running through my dreams again. Every time I see you in my dreams I can't help but cry. I cry so hard that my chest tightens and I can't breathe. I wake up every time with tears on my pillow. There was this hope for a while that you would come back and we would leave off from where we were. I wish I could have done things differently. Was this all my fault? I'm pretty sure it was. It was my selfishness that led me away from you, into the arms of an emotional train and now I'm standing on the side-walk in the middle of the rain. I see you smile a genuine smile and it saddens me to know I'm not the reason. I was the reason for your pain. I guess it's my turn now to play the waiting game. Is this how you felt when you waited for me? I was surprised that there was this wonderful person waiting for me. I apologize to you. I want to just cry so hard and tell  you about my life, I want to break down, but I would only break down for you. How hopeless this sounds. How hopeless this situation is, but yet I am still smack dab in the center of it all.

I guess that isn't where I should begin. I guess let me take it back to the beginning and maybe you'll understand how I feel.

It was my Sophomore year in high school, let me just say, I wasn't fully aware of what being a girl was like. I had just strolled into myself and "Black" was the only thing I felt comfortable in. I wore my hair into pony tails most of the time, because it was so long that I didn't want to actually try to fix my hair. I wore clothes that were a couple sizes too big for me. That's saying a lot because I was really skinny, not to the point of anorexic, but the normal high school kid skinny. I wore safety-pins in my ears and I thought of myself as "goth", but I'm pretty sure I was just a pretty-girl trying to cover myself in black, because that is how I saw myself. On the first week or so of the second semester, I had chosen to take Spanish 2, not by choice of course, but because it was a requirement. That was the day that I had met him. Let me just say, the way the movies does slow motion when you first meet someone who catches your eyes, well, that was exactly how this moment was. I walked into the classroom that was decked out in Spanish sombreros, posters with the verbs "ser" and so on, and other Spanish related things plastered to the walls. I went across the room to the far side of the desks with built in chairs on them and that is when he walked in. He came in to the room in a nonchalant walk like he didn't expect for anyone to be staring him down as he entered. He sat across the room from me, one desk to the left. The way the desks were set up was that there was a great path in the center and the desks facing each others, which in my case I had a great view of the door. He sat down and caught a glimpse of me, but I had played it off rather well. He sat there in a red shirt with a fedora hat on top of his, medium-length, curly hair. He was the center of my attention and that is when I loved Spanish Class.

TBC...

Thoughts for the Day: Pick Your Battles.

There is a point in life when you have to let go people you love. It's a hard time to take in and , well,  it's just a hard thing to do. I'm sure there are times in a persons life where the thing you have to do  is the thing you've been avoiding for so long, but in all honesty, its easier to deal with things now rather than later. I've been avoiding the inevitable and its slowly nicking at my heels. It's catching up with me and I can feel the consequences breathing down my back.

I'm sure the rain will wash away this tension, but the sun will bring the heat back down to play.

I'm sure I should stand my ground more, but honestly, I could care less what other people think or do. Its a childish game you're playing and all I'm going to do is spectate. You may have a good head on your shoulders, but you have a cold heart. This is the time to grow up and put things away and Pick your Battles.I'm sure everyone is tired of picking what side to be on. I'm sure I can help pick sides for them if they want, because I'm on my way out the door and I hope they don't get frazzled with a fight that isn't a fight.

Anyways,
The real goal here is to learn to pick your battles. My mother always told me this. I now know she was 100 percent right. It's all about what is important in life and , well honey, this is about much attention as you're going to get.

Take a seat and enjoy the ride, because once you step off, you'll lose your thrill.

I'm too tired to play and sure as hell not childish enough to stoop to your level.

If you want out, then there's the door, I'll even help you get your things, because once we're both apart, it'll be bliss for me.

Thoughts for the day: Stop and Smell The Roses

Stress.

That's one word that can do a lot of damage.

It shuts down your immune system and messes with your hormone levels. Its a tricky word.

I didn't think my stresses in life were bad. I thought that it was normal to feel that life could be completely out of my control. That wasn't the right idea. Life is how you make it.

I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror again today. The bags under my eyes were worse than I thought. The color in my face had faded. My hair even seemed frizzy with the lack of hydration my body was receiving.

Ive been stressed to the point where passing out in the bathroom was my only option. It was the scariest thing I've experienced. I laugh about it now with other people, but in all honesty, I was scared.

It has got me to the point of I needing a vacation or my health could completely suffer.

Why is stress this important?

I'm not stopping to look at and smell the roses. I'm just working life in big lumps in my hands trying to keep a hold of grains of sand. Its impossible. When you are defeated and you keep letting all the stresses rest on your shoulders, you know where that gets you? Some really sore shoulders.

I have some good friends who keep telling me to keep my chin up and that's what I'm going to do. I won't let the stresses of my life control it. I'm going to control my life.

I got this.
 :) <3