Thoughts for the day: I just want it to be a dream.

You buckle and then I buckle. Haven't I already said that we always run back to each other. Our lives are too great you said but there is this part where you have to hit send and well that it just because we want to share our greatness with each other. There is that tiny part of you that thinks of me and that part of me where I think of you. Is this healthy? You even said you get mad at me for the things you do too and well it is mutual on both sides because, well, I do the same thing too. You said to me, "You always hurt the ones you love most." Why is that? Why can't we just love each other and just let everything fall into place like it should?

"There was this girl and she wore a sun dress and a sun hat and these cute shoes that she couldn't really stand in. She had black hair and brown eyes and her smile, well, it was incredible. She had been wandering around this amusement park with her family, but she was looking for someone. She was looking at each faces as they passed by, but none of the faces was the one she was looking for. The sun was at the very top of the sky shining down on this day, the light around her was magnificent and that's when she saw him. he was wearing a white shirt and some really nice jeans, but that's not what she noticed first. It was the way he looked at her. His smile was so wide and his eyes were locked on to her. She hadn't noticed that she was walking towards him. He began striding towards her also. When they meet they didn't say a word. They didn't even touch one another. The began to walk together side by side. She wondered if she should hug him like she wanted to or to grab his hand like she wanted to, but something inside her stopped her from doing so. They found a bench that overlooked a small yard of grass in the center of the amusement park and they both sat down. She looked at him and kept her head low. She was as shy as anyone could have been. She sneaked a peek at him from underneath her hair and he was looking up at the sky. She leaned back and looked up. The sky was a gorgeous light blue, the kind of blue you use when you draw the sky with crayons or markers. The clouds were just as magnificent, they looked like giant cotton ball marshmallows. She smiled and closed her eyes.It felt like time had slipped away and that they had been sitting there for hours, but it was only for a couple minutes. She took a peek at him again and he was looking at her and smiling. She looked at his hand and without thinking grabbed his hand into hers. They sat there for a couple more minutes. The sky started to get dark and the clouds turned gray. It looked like rain. They both looked at each other and just knew to find a way inside out of the rain. They stood up and began to walk to the building across the way. As soon as they got into the center of the yard of grass, it began to pour. They got drenched quickly, but they had stopped and looked at each other. They began to laugh. This laugh was so joyful and lovable that it was an amazing moment to just soak in. She took off her shoes and spread her arms wide open and began to spin in the rain. He just watched her carefully. After a few more spins, he reached out and grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him. He cupped her face into his hands and looked into her eyes. They both smiled. He leaned in and kissed her and that's when music started to play. It was an instrumental  piece that just captured the moment so well. They laughed a little. A few seconds later every light in the park turned on and  the colors of the rides were the background of their love. They kissed again. He reached out his hand and they began to dance to the music. That's when someone else captured his eyes and he put out his hand that motioned stop and he ran after whoever was leaving. She stood in the rain with the music playing with the lights shining and all she could do was laugh. She laughed that she thought this would be the day, the day she thought she had been saved."

Thoughts for the day:Anything is Progress

Today I looked at the clock and for the first time I didn't see that time was passing me by. That feeling I can't really describe, but it was incredible. I had a smile spread across my face and no matter anything, it stayed on my face. I can't help but scream out loud but not in fear or anger, but relief that I'm slowly but surely being free. Free from what? Free from the fear and the sadness that had been holding me back. It is times like these where I am glad I have these friends in my life. I'm amazed at what a simple smile or comment can do to make someones day so much better. Today I am so grateful to be here, even if its somewhere I may not like to be, but I am here doing what I can to make it better. I'll take what I can get.

I said I have been working towards my goals and I'm getting everything back on track; it is such an amazing feeling to know that even though its slowly showing signs of achievment, I can say that I'm getting there. That is more than I can say that I've been doing in a while.

"There are three kinds of love. A love you can get over in two months, a good love you can get over in 2 years, and great love well... great love changes your life."
- a movie

Thoughts for the day: The Lyrics of my life to your song it plays

"The Best Pessimist - I Just Want To Be Your Everything"
The music you should read this to. I have no idea why, but its awesome.




My hands want to move, they want to enclose this space, but these words are the only things left while your mind is somewhere else.
Don't you know your heart is with me?
This glass is half full, you would like to say it would never be full again, but this I swear is not the end.
Take this chance and look deep within your soul many of your thoughts just make you grow old.
Cant you see that this is where we need to be?
Calm your soul, close your eyes, and just kiss my lips, don't say goodbye, cry out in pain if you want, scream to the gods, this is where we need to get through everything.
Go ahead and take my hand close this gap and fill our touch with a sweet embrace this is where we were meant to stay.

Thoughts for the day: Think of me

Times like these are where I want to see how you're doing? If you had a good day. I want you to come over and snuggle and watch a movie with me and tell me it's going to be okay. I want to laugh til I can't breathe and I want to sing when I'm showering but most of all I want your company. I want to be lazy with you and productive too. I want to see the sides no one gets to see. I want to be there for you and you'll be there for me, but most of all I want your company.

It's late at night and we haven't spoken in months but out of nowhere you message me. Now I try not to cry or wonder why, but I'm sure you're thinking of me too. When we lay awake at night are we thinking of each other or am I the name you see at the bottom of that glass in your hand?

You wish me well and I can tell by this late night text you are, but right now a few words don't mean much because you are really far. At least I know that from time to time my name is the one on your mind.

But I'll take this moment, take a deep breathe, and laugh a little, because babe you know we'll always coming running back to each other.

Thoughts for the day: The song we sang when we said goodbye

"The wind was calm and very soft, upon my cheeks it kissed.
The sun was strong and very bright, upon my eyes it met.
The sky was blue, oh so blue, that I couldn't help but sleep,
and little diamond fairies played songs to me in my dreams."


The sun has been shining recently and even though I'm always stuck inside, just the thought of a beautiful day puts me in better spirits. I've been working non-stop again but this time I don't seem as run down as I have been, maybe that's because I'm actually hanging out with some friends, so work doesn't seem like that is only what I'm doing with my life.

I had a long conversation with someone lately and it was a very pointless conversation. The day after was better because maybe the problem, no, the problem was that it was a drunken conversation the night before. We talked about everything. I said, "As soon as I'm out of that door, I won't look back and I won't try to speak to you again. If I see you, I'm going to ignore you. If I have to speak to you, I'll be very civil, polite, and I will treat you like a stranger I just met. Don't think you're special, not anymore." And after everything was said and done, I left. I remember him calling out, "You'll be back." I turned around one last time and said, "I bet you I won't." Could that be the worst thing I could bet? No, because that put more determination to not crawl back. Honestly, I don't plan on it, sometimes I think I'm going to cave, but I have made a deal with myself that I won't put myself into that situation anymore. I'm not saying that you're a bad guy or anything, I'm not talking you down, I'm just saying that it wasn't healthy; I deserve better. The best thing about leaving that day, is that I can look back on this goodbye where laughing was everything and no tears were shed, it is the memory I like in my head better anyways. It is done.

I've felt this weight on my shoulders for a while, but this time I am standing up tall and I charging towards my future, my goals, and maybe along the way we could eventually become friends again, but not anytime soon. This dance we've been dancing to can you see that no one can hear the music except for us? No one understands.

You were once my priority, but now I am taking my own life in my own hands and I'm going to let you make mistakes and pick yourself up, because I know that you can take care of yourself, not everyone needs me to be saved. Only You can save yourself.


"As the songs concluded in my dreams, I woke up to my own reality."

Thoughts for the day: Crazy to a certain degree

I said I was on the road to recovery and I still believe it. I figured out something today. I'm crazy, but everyone is crazy to a certain degree, so I am completely normal, but that's not what I really realized; I knew that already. I realized that most of the people I consider friends are emotionally unavailable because that was the norm for me. I was used to no one really caring about what I was thinking or saying that it was normal, I got to the point where I would help people so much that they thought it was okay to treat me like dirt. Is that healthy? Not at all, I've figured, that all the people I've disregarded as boring or as not my cup of tea is because they are there for me, and that was a foreign concept. Having friends was a foreign concept. I got asked today, "what do you have to offer to a friendship or even a relationship?" And honestly, I drew a blank. I could not name a single thing I had to offer and that is my problem. I have no self worth. I could try thinking and thinking and picking things, but I want to get to the point where I know exactly what I have and what people want from me. I won't feel like an outsider. Have you ever felt that you were alone, that no one truly cares? Well, I had felt that everyday for a while, but it shouldn't be that way. If you can name one thing about your day that was great for example, I finally got to wash clothes and they smell great, it puts some of the bad to shame and makes you feel like your day wasn't wasted. I need to go through my days with this mentality that everything can always be worse. I shouldn't feel like I have to keep trying and trying to have people accept me. I need to accept myself first, but no one can understand how hard that is going to be. I'm working on becoming an emotionally stable morganna, I might seem like I'm completely crazy, but I'm sure all the geniuses in the world had to lose their marbles at least once in their life.

Thoughts for the day: Morganna

I"m pretty sure I haven't been completely honest with you here. There are some things that I think should be left unsaid, but then I feel like I'm just bottling it up by doing that and that I'm not really progressing anywhere either. I'm nervous. I'm nervous about finally dealing with everything about getting down to the bottom of why I choose people that seem to need help and usually, it is the help that I could never give.

This is for everyone to read so they aren't alone, but I'm pretty sure I need to be a little more honest now, right? Some things should be left unsaid, I hear that quote a lot. What if it can help someone in any way? With that possibility I would rather have my life as an open book than to keep my business to myself, its not like I have anyone to share it with anyways.

I've been keeping a journal of what I feel at random moments during the day, so I can share and discuss this with my therapist. Oh, Morganna, you go to a therapist? Well you see, I haven't gone yet. I have the appointment scheduled and I'm just nervous. I really don't like dealing with any of my problems, but I have a strange feeling that it will help me a lot. I feel like there are somethings in your life you just need one random stranger to hear you out and you can get everything out and spread across the floor.

I have problems just like any normal person, it is just  difficult for me to really deal with them.
My best guy friend dropped me and we had been friends for quite a while, but this relationship wasn't very healthy to begin with. He was in love with me and his current girlfriend, I was in love with my current boyfriend at the time, but I was also in love with him as well. That already just sounds tragic doesn't it? Well it was. I would get drunk sometimes and I would call my best friend up and tell him how much of a great friend he was... and how much I loved him. It was just not healthy for me at all. Then intertwines the relationship I had at the time also, sometimes, I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt that I had to keep trying to please him and keep trying to keep him with me, but you know in all honesty, I had lost his attention way into the beginning of our relationship. I was making something out of nothing. This was just unhealthy in general. When everyone had finally left and I was alone, it was a big burden on me. It took me on a emotional roller-coaster and I was really sulking at the bottom. I lost interest in school. I lost interest in food, music, family, anything. I would stay in my bed cry til my eyes would burn and I started to wither away.
There have been points during that time where I didn't want to be in this world at all. Suicide was a big option for me and only a couple of people knew that, my ex and me ex-best friend; the two people who didn't want anything to do with me. I think that is what made it worse to begin with.

Let me backtrack a couple steps, when it was final that my ex wanted to leave I remember yelling how much I didn't want to be here and I grabbed a knife from my kitchen counter. He said, "Do it. If you don't want to be here. I'm not going to stop you," so I cut myself but it wasn't that bad at first, I was testing him and he was testing me. He said, "you're not doing it deep enough, you said you don't wanna be here." He seemed annoyed, I can understand that; if it was reversed I would have been just as annoyed. So I did it again harder this time and I slid the knife against my wrist. I cried like a baby, but I had accomplished a deeper wound, he grabbed the knife from me and said, "Go to bed. I'm leaving tonight." Then reality hit me, oh he was finally leaving, and I cried harder. I don't remember why he stayed that night but when he finally left, when I kicked him out a couple days later, I was still distraught. I felt like I had lost everything. I worked so hard to achieve this place and now it was getting pulled out from under my feet. I was lost.

During this black darkness I was in, I had called my ex-best friend and I bawled on the phone with him. He scolded me for being wreckless and that I couldn't keep doing this that him and his girlfriend were serious. I didn't really care about that at the time, but I wanted my best friend back. So he said if we just were friends then it would be okay. I agreed instantly. We talked like normal and it was as if my life wasn't so bad anymore. We would occasionally skype and I would tell him about my day, it was the norm for me, but that is when our feelings got in the way again. What made things worse was that he still had his girlfriend. We both knew that no matter how much we were "just friends" it was always seemed like we were more than friends, we just never said it out loud. When his girlfriend was over, he would text me and say, "Gf is over," just so I wouldn't interrupt their time together, I understood that because I was just the friend. Now, that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was just the side girl, it wasn't even supposed to be like that to begin with. Then when things got rough with him and his girlfriend and he finally figured he didn't need me to fill the void, he dropped me. He bid me farewell and said it was for the best for both of us. That is when I felt the black hole again. I began to feel numb and the whole not eating, not sleeping, thing started again. It was unhealthy for me.


This is when I started to work everyday. I thought if I could work all the time that I would be too exhausted to think about anything. I would work, come home, and sleep. Then I would wake up and do the whole routine again. It would work for the first couple weeks and then when I would get home at night, I wouldn't be able to sleep and I would just cry myself to sleep. I really needed someone to talk to and the people I tried talking to listened half-way and then just would be like it's okay, let's make out. Ha, what? I'm not that emotionally damaged that I would make out with every single guy I saw, I'm not a whore.

Lately, when I get off of work and I sit in my parking lot with the car turned off, I just cry in the driver seat like some sad 90's chick flick. I hate going home, I feel more alone when I get there.

There was also a point where my ex and I tried the whole friends thing, but what it came down to was that I was being used. It was easy to do because I still cared about him. How pathetic. I would make myself emotionally and physically available for him whenever he needed anything and I realize I was being really naive. I was hurting myself worse. There are times where I see pictures of him or of her and I get this weird nauseous feeling, occasionally, I throw up. I think that isn't normal. There are times where I feel like I'm suffocating. I've been using my anxiety medication a lot more lately too, I just can't seem to stay calm, sometimes I really wish I didn't feel at all or even as much as I do, its a big inconvenience.

Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to mention, I've been doing things that I have never thought I'd be doing, now don't think of anything because you would probably be way off, but it is more to the point of getting an adrenaline rush. (insert twilight reference here). Anyways, I feel like that it makes me feel more alive than I have felt in ages and it's like a "high" I don't want to fall out of. I'm pretty sure that isn't healthy either, but I'm doing them with some good friends; they are memories I don't want to forget.

There I have been completely honest. I'm sharing my story. I really hope later in life I can look back on this and say, "Wow, that was nothing. Look where I am at today."

No one is ever alone, I'm on the track to recovery, to be a healthier me. It is a journey I'm ready to take, one where I realize my life wasn't a mistake.

"You may see the smile, but there is this war, this battle, I'm fighting on the inside."

Thoughts for the day: She falls for it always.

Silence breaks through the barrier, the barrier of which she's kept everyone out. She's secluded in her own world, the world she's trying to drown out. She's crawled into thinking, into knowing why she's lost, this maze she's been walking, Can you imagine? There are no clocks.The mirror she's been facing has been reflecting a person so hurt and confused, no matter the lines, she's still the abused. The thoughts can trigger the shaky hands, the numbness, the times she's forgot. And no matter how many times she cries she feels that all hope is lost. Darkness falls over her eyes and continues to show her why she's blind, these thoughts, these memories, she just hopes one day she'll die. Songs could play in accordance to her life and most of those would be explaining her strife. To no avail, she will not find someone, oh, someone to stop the knives. She pleads and cries, she yells her hearts suffering to the moon, but the silence, the stillness is all that looms. She lays in a bed, in bed made for sleep, but all it does is shower her with nightmares instead of dreams.


There are nights where she dreams of you and as much as she would like to stay in them forever, the distance, the pain, the absence of love is all she can remember.

Thoughts for the day: I'm pretty sure I left for a reason

I'm at a loss for words.

I feel like there are so many feelings mixed up in the pit of my gut and there is no way how to explain how it feels.

I started this thing where I dropped a couple people, a couple people that I thought were close "friends", but for some reason I feel like the bad guy.
I feel like I'm leaving them out in the dust, but what I need to drill into my skull is that they left me behind already.

I had this dream the other night, that you were in this house in the middle of nowhere. I walked in and I saw you but all we did was argue. All we did was throw stuff and get to the points that the blood in our faces could show. When I turned to leave it had started raining. The kind of rain where everything was blurry and nobody could see two feet in front of them. I didn't care about the rain at the time and I started to make my way to the edge of your yard to reach the gate to leave. Every step I took it seemed heavy; the rain had been so bad that the ground was nothing but mud. I took another step and my foot would sink deep into the ground as if the mud was trying to swallow my leg whole. I tripped and fell, face first into the mud and the mud just started to slowly drag me back to the house; your house. I pushed myself up and tried to crawl the rest of the way, but the mud was everywhere. As the rain continued, the mud began to get worse by the second. The moment I reached the gate I let out a sigh of relief. I reached and pushed open the gate, I stood up and I instantly stopped. There was no where to walk beyond from the gate. It was if I could step off the face of the earth. Then the dream ended.


Did this mean that after all the crap that kept dragging me back to you, when I finally overcome things, that I need to fall off the face of the earth to get away from you?

"These memories have me thinking, but these feelings have me leaving, and at the end of the day, I'm slightly glad I left that day."

Thoughts for the day: you're not worth it, give it your own title.

Sigh, I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I stare at my phone constantly trying to forge new friendships and yet there is this hole that needs to be filled, in which, these friendships can't fill. Am I an impostor? Am I just trying to create something to fill the gap. How do I know that if I get you back, that it will be just like before? Would you be happy? I guess that's a risk I can't afford. I've been telling myself that as each day passes and you start to drift farther away, that it is for the best. It's late at night where my bed feels like its the size of the ocean and I'm there smack dab in the center trying to stay afloat; trying not to drown in the loneliness that I feel. Then there is the daytime where I have to keep my mind constantly busy, so I don't have to think about what you or who you are doing. I guess I'm stuck in the past and it is clear that you are way ahead in the future, I'm left in the dust. I'm chasing a mirage, I'm left wanting something so much that as soon as I think I'm close enough it dissipates and I'm left with nothing. It sometimes feels like I'm going through the motions but I don't think I'm getting anywhere emotionally. I'm just stuck. I'm living in the past.
Then there are those people, who see that I'm in such despair that they try to prey on those feelings of loneliness, but I'm sorry if that is what you have in mind then you can throw yourself out; I don't have time for that. I wake up in the morning and I go through my routine and I'm really exhausted. Then there are so many of the other people trying to help me out and get me out of my shell, but I'm scarred from you. I'm so far beyond gone, that anyone who tries to get close they end up in the shadow of my so called love for you. I feel broken. I feel that if I let someone in and then BAM! I'm hurt and I feel like it was all my fault.

I stare at the ceiling and I count the edges of each wall and the crevices that the shadows form and I lay in bed and I hope I sleep, I don't want any of those nightmares to find me. I crawl into my thoughts and I slowly lay prey to the thoughts in my head and I have no control over them when I sleep. That's when I am most weak. I have had a dream so real that I woke up still feeling each hateful feeling as if the dream had happened seconds ago, so recent. Why can't I just dream the black screen, I don't want to remember. Maybe I should, would it help? Would it help if I actually had closure? I've always been the type of person to say, "ANYTHING is possible, you just have to want it." Now, I'm pretty sure I was just being naive. I'm really tired of trying to fight for everything, Can someone just cut me a break and let me just float like a cloud in the sky?

Can you please, stop standing there, know what you want, know what you need, and stop dragging me along with you and your girl, please? I'm tired of this what if and if only kind of things, can you just give me back my heart, my love, the things you thought were free?

"There are so many possibilities waiting for me, I just have to open my eyes, Open my heart, and just hope that today will be different than yesterday."

Thoughts for the day: Backbeat the word is on the street

I know we decided being friends was not beneficial for us. I know we decided that happiness was more important than us. I know we decided that the distance was more important than us, but I keep wanting to crack. I keep wanting to tell you all about my day and I keep regretting every single time I didn't tell you to stay, and now look at us, we're more childish than we were in high school. Do you still think of me as I think of you, in secret, in silence? Do you remember the memories of you and I? Even the bad memories where you made me cry? I could count the days, hours, minutes, seconds, that you have been gone, and for what, only this lame song? I thought we could have settled this by now and lived together and figured shit out. You are lost and so am I, but when it comes to you all I can do is try. Please don't leave me out in the cold, you already know, we've been there before.

I see pictures of you and I can't help to smile, you my love, are driving me wild. Don't forget about me, because I'm sure I can never forget you. If I jumped on a plane and showed up one day, would you be the one to complete my embrace?




"Why did timing have to be so bad, why couldn't we finally fall into each others hands?"

Thoughts for the day: Exhaustion

Ive been running thoughts through my mind like go carts on a track, they always lead me back to the beginning; a circle. I'm constantly moving, working, thinking, learning. I've got in touch with an old friend and I must say it was more fun than expected. It's nice to know after all these years that old friends like you still think of me. Sometimes, people tell me, "Morganna, You're really special." and sometimes I don't believe them at all, but for some reason I do now.

My brain has been on overdrive lately, and I feel like I'm going to pass out from thinking too much. I've been working non-stop for the past 3 and half weeks, working, working, working, and where is that getting me? Its getting me a slightly bigger wallet that runs out too damn quickly, and a exhausted body, ready to just snap.
I feel like I need a vacation.

Then there is you showing me signs that you need me, you want me, and yet you let me go. Am I confused? Or Am I seeing things that you want me to see?

I've been trying to move on, and on those guy's lips I've lingered. Can I just move on? What is this feeling that is holding me back?

Things have been said to me of your life and I listen to them like its the gospel, it's how I'm running my life. It is just as tiring and frustrating as you can imagine, do you feel the same agony as I?


"Smile your smile, Laugh your laugh, and love the life I know you have."

Thoughts for the Day: Exciting-ness. (2008)

If I could feel at all, I'd be glad to just have numb.
Go ahead and put your cold hands around my throat.
Go ahead and shove a knife deep in my chest.
Make me bleed, I'd be glad to know that I'm alive.
Silence falls around this day,
It's only better this way,
I could hear your heart beating in your chest,
I just wish I'd stopped it instead.
Go ahead and run that God-forsaken knife across my throat.
Go ahead and tie me to a chair with wire, made for me to choke.
It's only because it's better this way.
Tears fall from this night,
It's all because you made your mark,
and across my arms I shall inscribe, Make Me Feel Alive.
Deeper and Deeper until I can feel the pain,
I'll know not only you can hurt me.
Let me tie you up like you did me,
Let me write on your skin, what it feels like what you did.
I'll try to efface all your hate with more fury from me.
Let my lips touch your neck, My teeth sinking deep into your flesh.
Bleed!
Let me gag you with a sock, cover it up with duct tape lips.
I know you're smiling beneath it,
Let Us Bleed.
Let Us Smile.
It's always going to be worth-while.
During this it will be exciting-ness,
Let me run my fingernails against your flesh,
Hey Hun are you bleeding yet?
Go ahead and smile,
Because this is for You!
I'll let you suffer,
You'll let me suffer.
And we don't know why we do this to each other?
All I have to say is this,
Go ahead and run that knife against your wrists.

Thoughts for the day: Rain and Fire

On this darkened day of rain and fire,
The painful sin of lust and desire,
call out to me,
my friends of sin,
spreading through my veins like poison.

I choke and bleed,
the black ink falls,
and blotches out the light,
and fills the room as I close my eyes.

The night covers me like a veil,
trying to suffocate me and cease my pain,
the air I breathe burns my lungs,
and it is destiny to take my life.

I groan in agony as the night laughs,
as the moon grows bright,
as if  it were my spotlight.

I look up at the moon,
and the evil of this day looms,
tears fall nothing to desire,
on this day of Rain and Fire.