Sigh, I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I stare at my phone constantly trying to forge new friendships and yet there is this hole that needs to be filled, in which, these friendships can't fill. Am I an impostor? Am I just trying to create something to fill the gap. How do I know that if I get you back, that it will be just like before? Would you be happy? I guess that's a risk I can't afford. I've been telling myself that as each day passes and you start to drift farther away, that it is for the best. It's late at night where my bed feels like its the size of the ocean and I'm there smack dab in the center trying to stay afloat; trying not to drown in the loneliness that I feel. Then there is the daytime where I have to keep my mind constantly busy, so I don't have to think about what you or who you are doing. I guess I'm stuck in the past and it is clear that you are way ahead in the future, I'm left in the dust. I'm chasing a mirage, I'm left wanting something so much that as soon as I think I'm close enough it dissipates and I'm left with nothing. It sometimes feels like I'm going through the motions but I don't think I'm getting anywhere emotionally. I'm just stuck. I'm living in the past.
Then there are those people, who see that I'm in such despair that they try to prey on those feelings of loneliness, but I'm sorry if that is what you have in mind then you can throw yourself out; I don't have time for that. I wake up in the morning and I go through my routine and I'm really exhausted. Then there are so many of the other people trying to help me out and get me out of my shell, but I'm scarred from you. I'm so far beyond gone, that anyone who tries to get close they end up in the shadow of my so called love for you. I feel broken. I feel that if I let someone in and then BAM! I'm hurt and I feel like it was all my fault.
I stare at the ceiling and I count the edges of each wall and the crevices that the shadows form and I lay in bed and I hope I sleep, I don't want any of those nightmares to find me. I crawl into my thoughts and I slowly lay prey to the thoughts in my head and I have no control over them when I sleep. That's when I am most weak. I have had a dream so real that I woke up still feeling each hateful feeling as if the dream had happened seconds ago, so recent. Why can't I just dream the black screen, I don't want to remember. Maybe I should, would it help? Would it help if I actually had closure? I've always been the type of person to say, "ANYTHING is possible, you just have to want it." Now, I'm pretty sure I was just being naive. I'm really tired of trying to fight for everything, Can someone just cut me a break and let me just float like a cloud in the sky?
Can you please, stop standing there, know what you want, know what you need, and stop dragging me along with you and your girl, please? I'm tired of this what if and if only kind of things, can you just give me back my heart, my love, the things you thought were free?
"There are so many possibilities waiting for me, I just have to open my eyes, Open my heart, and just hope that today will be different than yesterday."
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