Thoughts for the day: Small words, big thoughts

The clock is ticking,
can you hear my heart beating,
it is a simultaneous beat,
i'm itching to leave,
somewhere I can breathe.

Thoughts for the day: If you ever thought to read it

Well, well, well. It's been a rough week, work is work and I feel like I'm completely run down. I'm exhausted. When I'm all of those things I start to feel sad. Like a lonely sad. Is when I'm sad the only times I think of you?

I write you letters, novels really, and I throw them away because you and I aren't friends anymore. I want to tell you how my day is and was, and tell you about the bad things too, but then I realize again, that were no longer friends.

I've built this wall so it will stop hurting; why won't it stop hurting?

We've grown up and we've grown apart. Do you remember when we were young and naive and you said we'd get married and everything would fall into place? Now look at us, not acknowledging each other and pretending to not care. How sad.

Do you remember when we would talk on the phone for hours and I still wonder why we could talk for so long about nothing and still be laughing 3 hours later. Is that because it was you and I?

There's times where I tell you goodnight in my head and pretend that oh I'm important enough for you to say it back. Hah wow, delusional maybe. Is there a point where it's a lost cause, are you the lost cause?

It's okay to feel like you don't belong, but that's when you get up and start over, but starting over is hard when so many other people want so much from you.

I've been giving people advice and they haven't listened, is that because I can't take my own advice?

When I see your face and you're smiling, it kind of hurts to know that nothing phased you, is that what makes me bitter also?

Don't pretend to hate me because we were such great friends, but then there's the oxymoron; how can you hate me when we were such good friends?
I wish I could have said something to make you stay here, but then it would be one sided again right? Was the best thing I could do for you is build the courage to not break first and try to mend everything, maybe that's the problem; I'm trying to fix everything.
Control...

"You blow a kiss, you wave goodbye, I'm standing still watching the time, you turn around, you walk away, I'm standing here counting the days."

Thoughts for the day: Goals towards Happiness

Ive been working my butt off lately. Sometimes I feel run down. I've been planning things lately and I really want them to get done. I feel like sometimes I don't follow through, but this time I have set my mind into what I want. I'm tired of going through my routine of a day and then just waking up to do it again. Am I happy with where I'm at? Not really.

So this time I'm changing the things I don't like and ,well, I've felt a lot better lately. There are times where I still feel like I'm completely alone, but not this time, I'm surrounding myself with friends and even new friends I never knew I'd be talking to and that has helped a lot too. I have set these goals for myself because I'm tired of just doing what I can, the bare minimum. I've set these goals because they are possible if I work HARD for them.
These goals that I have set is to move out and find roommates so that its cheaper, so I can focus on school, get my GPA back up, gain new friendships, and be productive. That is what I plan on doing, I have a lot of back up and support that this time I'm going to get my life back on track, so I can be doing what I need to be doing the things that make me HAPPY.

When I say the word happy, I mean content, that you can go on with your day and smile; no matter how bad it gets or was. When I say the word happy, I mean when you can go to bed and feel like you had the most productive day and your tired because you were busy, active. When I say the word happy, I mean when you don't feel like you are completely alone in this world.

When I say the word happy, I mean the word happy.

Thoughts for the day: Claustrophobic

I love you,
but then I hate you,
for loving you,
and that's when I feel claustrophobic in your arms.

I'm suffocating in your love,

in your dreams,

can you be silenced by all my screams?

There is a tear, a cut, a burn, a hole,

where all my body had lost its soul,

The pain,

The sadness,

reflected in your eyes constantly reminding me that I'm not alone,

to touch,

to yearn,

to feel like I should,

that's when I feel claustrophobic in your arms.

I'm trying to change,

but this feeling of living,

of a new beginning,

are to me quite strange,

I've never learned, I've only strayed.

I'm living in this moment,

but that's when I feel claustrophobic in your arms.

I'm suffocating,
I'm waiting, for this to be enough,
Where I don't have to run,
Can we not pretend to be in Love?

That's when I feel claustrophobic in your arms.

The dream: The Cherry Blossom Ghost

There was a girl, maybe around 23, she was about 5'5, she had blond hair,  and she had the bluest eyes you had ever seen and she was crying. I felt like I was in the room but I was only observing, I could only observe. She had her hands over her eyes and she bawled as if someone had died. Did someone die?

And there I was standing outside of my house, I opened the door and walked in, "can I help you?" I asked her.
She looked up and didn't say a word. She began to open her mouth then closed it shut as quickly as she opened it.
"Let me help you."
She sat quiet for a little bit, I wasn't sure if she was thinking about it or not. I sat down next to her and she touched my arm gently and said, "Close your eyes, please."
I closed my eyes and I saw her again, but this time she was happy. She sat beneath a giant cherry blossom tree, she wore a spring dress and a big sun hat and she smiled. This smile was genuine and the laugh she laughed could have been filled with sunshine if it could.
There was this man in the sun and he was dressed nice, lets say his Sunday best and he got on one knee and she smiled bigger, if only that was possible, and she said yes. And they danced to their own music under that tree. As the sun began to set so did their love, she died.

He then moved from his house into a small apartment and began to work on sculpting, sculptures of her. When he went to work and then came home he'd work and work. He looked sad everyday and when he came home he didn't even eat. He went along with the motions. But what he didn't know was she followed him, she would watch him make the sculptures of her, she would talk about her day, and she always was happy to see him even though he couldn't see her.

Then one day, the guy picked up his things and threw out the sculptures and moved. That's why she was crying. She couldn't leave the house either; she was stuck. As the years passed by, she saw many new residents in the apartment. One after another, they'd all leave and she'd be alone.

She then let go of my arm and we just sat in silence for a while so it could set in.
"So you're stuck here?" I asked.
She looked at me and her eyes saddened; she nodded.
"Why haven't you tried to leave, can you not move on?" I asked another question.
"I've tried. I used to try to leave when the people would open the doors, but it was like a wall kept pushing me back in here." She answered.
"What were you going to do if you left?" I got up and grabbed some tissues from the table and handed then to her.
"I would've tried to find him." She said quickly.
"But it's been years, do you think he's still alive?" I didn't want her to freak out, so I tried to say it as politely as I could.
"Oh, I've- I've never thought of that."
"What if he's waiting for you?"
"Oh, you're right!" She instantly smiled. Had she really never thought about the time? Well being a ghost I guess time eventually doesn't matter.
"Can I help you? I can try taking you somewhere, maybe I can help you get out of here?" I was throwing out ideas.
"Can you really take me somewhere?"
"Yes."
She smiled, "Then lets go!"
She stood up quickly and grabbed my hand. Before she could even get to the door she stopped and said well, "can I actually leave? I get to see the sun, i get to see the trees? ill be outside for the first time in so many years and you're helping me. Why are you helping me?"
I laughed and said "Now I'm supposed to help you, that's why I'm here."
I opened the door and motioned for her to step outside, she hesitated but I expected hesitance. She hadn't been outside for years, what did she expect? The whole world changed and she was stuck in this apartment, just stuck. I could see why she was so scared,the world would be different and different scares people.
She took a step and she made it through the doorway and into the front yard, she smiled.
"C'mon lets go already." I said to her and she began to follow me to my car.
We got in and I was about to ask where she wanted to go, but I had a feeling in my gut that I already knew. I began to drive, and as we drove down the streets I saw people on the sidewalk and they were outlined in rainbow colors but they weren't people they had silhouettes of people but all they were was mostly pure colors like the rainbow itself. Also, some of them had wings. "What are they?" I asked out loud.
She looked at me and said, "Those are other ghosts, the one with wings are angels."
I kept driving but I couldn't hep but stare at these beautiful colors as we whizzed by them. That's when we stopped, I had drove us to the giant cherry blossom tree, it didn't look anything like the tree in the vision she showed me. It was missing the leaves and the blossoms and the green grass that had enveloped the land around the tree. The tree looked sad.
I was about to step out of the car when she said, "Stay. You don't need to get out, let me do this on my own. You've helped me so much already."
 I nodded. She stepped out from the car and smiled at me before she closed the door. She began to walk towards the tree, and as she did she began to turn into pure colors, like the angels I saw on the drive over, and when she was just barely visible anymore, the tree began to blossom.

Thoughts for the day: Let's get lost in my mind

It is like an adrenaline rush, the kind of high you get when something feels great. It feels as if I was a kid again, for the first time not worrying about tomorrow. Is this how you are supposed to live in the moment? I feel like I was a totally different person. Am I trying to run from who I once was, is this a self-defense mechanism? I was thinking today, and when I think, I think about everything all at once. Sometimes my thoughts start to blur together and I get a headache and I have to try to stop thinking and just be. I guess when I'm with you I feel young again, like I have a second chance to re-do everything. Maybe this time, Oh this time, I won't fall to pieces, because I have seen what happens at the end of the road when I get too comfortable. Is this a do over, does life give you do overs? I'm pretty sure that it doesn't work that way but that's what it feels like. I'm not worried about being broken, its all the about the fun. I'm not worrying, is that why it feels great? I finally get to experience everything, and its not like I'm doing it to replace anything, that's not my intentions at all. I'm enjoying life with laughs and friends, and when I look back on everything I won't regret a single thing.

There is also times where I feel like I shouldn't have to be worrying about my life 5 or 10 years from now. I've always had the problem of thinking. Can thinking get you into more trouble than you already have? I feel like if I think too hard on one thing that I constantly change my mind. Is that the root of my indecisiveness? I have a problem of not making up my mind and I constantly change it. That's when people tell me, "Morganna, can you please just make up your mind already? You're giving me whiplash." Well, you see, I'm sorry I can't make up my mind. That is just a part of who I am.

I have the personality and attention span of child at times, I goof around and I can't be serious sometimes when I really need to be. I avoid things when I need to, and it is mostly because I don't want to deal. Dealing, i would rather just avoid anything that requires dealing. I guess that's when I'm a child again. I guess that's when the saying, "Ignorance is Bliss" kind of thing, but I'm pretty sure that isn't very healthy either.

Thinking, is it beneficial? but when you think too hard should the choice be to just not do it since you're thinking about it too long anyways. If you can't make a decision is that because deep down I don't want to in the first place?

"Let's get lost in my mind, Can you see the light of the reflection of the end, and after all, my mind turns into a maze instead, to be lost, Let's get lost, Let's get lost in my mind."

Thoughts for the day: Is this what I made it out to be?

I want to be strong. That's one of my goals I want to be able to go through a day and not think of you, it's this sad burning feeling at the pit of my stomach. Why do I feel like my life was supposed to be intertwined with yours? Why do I feel like this thing called love is what brought us together? Why did we fall apart? That was the key, wasn't it? You had been looking for a way out, yes? I'm sorry you still felt like there was other things out there that you were needing to search for. It made me feel incredibly dull and unimportant. But I guess it wasn't all about me was it? You had your needs. But why oh why did I or you let it get this far? Why did we let this play on for so long and then in the end I can't even sleep in my bed cause it reminds me of you? My heart aches, not as bad as it did they day you finally left. Do I feel this hole because you left and I didn't? It wasn't my choice to leave it was yours? Is that why it hurts so bad?

Is it ever bad that I let you know your on my mind? When I'm the last thing on yours. Is that as pathetic as I make it out to be? Can I say this is love? Or is the borderline stalker creeper thing? I really want to call it love, is that what makes me even sadder because I thought I was in love?

"I almost had this perfect love where life would have been carefree, but can you see me drowning in my own dreams?"

Thoughts for the day: Shine brighter Than Any Star

I've been contemplating my life. I've been planning the years, but I never thought it would've led to tears. I've been waking up with a frown on my face, the same one I've had when you didn't stay. I've been passing the time with things to keep my mind occupied, but it's boring day by day.

I've been filled with guilt, is it because I feel something for someone else, is it because I feel like I'm leaving you behind?

I'm moving on with my life, how does that make you feel? You said I should let go and that is what I'm doing I'm letting you go. Does it change anything?

I'm not your safety net anymore. I'm not the last resort. This was your choice and I'm now no longer here for you, does it hurt? This is exactly what you wanted. Even though I say these things, I'm sure it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm a kid trying to fit in grown up shoes.

It's not about you, it shouldn't be. It should be about me and my own happiness. Look at me, I finally left! I'm doing things my way and on my own time, and if someone happens to share the same views as me then so be it.

It's time to focus on my life and not about how this would impact you at all.

"This is my time to shine, so let me step out of your shade."

Thoughts for the Day: Anything with a Point.

Lately, Ive been seeing a lot of things on self-harm things throughout the Internet, and it made me want to write about it.
Times are tough for people. No matter who you are, you go through things in your life and sometimes you just need a day to yourself to just bitch, right? I know there are times where you just want to pull out your hair or just scream at some random person for no reason. And I know a lot of people would probably say oh that's a girl thing, but really, have you seen guys PMS. I'm pretty sure they go through the same things too. But everyone just has one of those days, it is what keeps people sane.

Anyways, self-harm awareness. There are points in my life where I have stooped down to those little sharp edges of anything, anything I could find, to put lines of shame on my body. I've looked at them recently and considered that this was not helping at all, what was the point? I wanted to scream! I wanted to cry! but in all, I resorted to the edge of a knife. Why had I stooped this low? I'm pretty sure I needed someone to talk to and that I felt like everyone wasn't paying attention to me, I felt alone. I felt that maybe if someone could actually see me struggling then maybe they could lend a hand, I didn't care if they had smacked each of the marks as hard as they could, because I would see that they actually cared. Why did I need them to care for me, I should have known that they were there. Am I screwed up? Was there something in my head that was wrong with me?
The answer was No. There wasn't anything wrong with me, I was kind of being selfish. Other people can lend a hand when they can, because everyone has problems that they were dealing with, so I wasn't being there for them either. I was sucked up into my own little world where everything revolved around me.

I can say when I was using shavers, knives, safety pins, pencils, my nails, anything really that had a sharp edge and when I felt like I needed to make a point I would use those things and even after I did that to myself did I feel better? Did it make the 'pain' go away? Did it solve all of my problems. NO. It created worse problems for me, I started to scare the people I loved, why did they deserve that? I was being a selfish brat.

What had drawn this hatred, this sorrow, these negative feelings out, that I felt that I NEEDED to? Why did I think I needed this, what was I trying to prove to myself? Even now I cannot tell you exactly why. Sure, loneliness was a big part, but what was the root of this problem.

I know I used to have very bad self-conscious issues and I started to hate myself, When I looked at myself all I saw was every single flaw, and I kept going nowhere. I've been dealing with this pain, this anger, sadness, every emotion I can feel and I've been writing about it.

Somehow writing to people, I was hoping that even though I thought I was alone, I had everyone who took the time to even read what I post, someone was actually listening, and I was hoping that maybe they can relate and they won't feel alone either, with friends there by your side no matter how lonely you think you may be, they will always be there for you.