Thoughts for the day: Demons are at play

It's that time again. It starts to creep and make me hide deep into my shell. I want friends. I want to be a friend. I'm nothing more than an acquaintance. My best friend is a friend I can't even hang out with. We can't hang out because we're supposed to hate each other. My girl best friend lives far away. I'm tired of trying. I keep putting that damn smile on each fucking day, and it keeps getting no where. Does nobody see that I'm yelling on the inside. I want to break down every single day, I want to just sleep it off. I want to curl up and just sleep. Because my dreams are the only place I can truly get away. Anybody else's life for once; I'll take it. I have this disease stuck in me. It's intertwined in my bones and it won't let go. I'm trying to keep from drowning. No one knows what it feels like unless they have experienced this awful pain. It's to the point where I want to feel absolutely nothing. I don't want to feel any emotions because they are temporary anyways. Can someone please help me breathe in my own pool of sorrow? I'm terrified of myself. I'm terrified of what my mind is telling me. I'm scared to be by myself because that's when the Demons come back, they always know. They always know when I'm alone. If you could hear the pleading in my voice, I bet you could feel the absolute despair in my tone. I don't want to fight this battle against myself alone. 

Its a silent battle. It's a disease.

I think I've cried myself to sleep every night for the past two weeks. There's the feeling of emptiness. It lingers around me like clock work, each night. I try to sleep, I try to drown out all the negativity in my head. There's no one. No one. It repeats. I'll take a deep breath. Maybe one word you say to me will save me today. Just one word. It'll be okay. 

I stare at the luminescent window. Only the time changes. Only the sky changes. It's a silent graveyard. Silence will fall. The clouds roll in one by one, covering up the sun. 

There is too much love stuffed into a heart, about to explode to kill them both. 

There is too much hate embedded, it begins to rot the heart, but which one will come first?

The loneliness eats away. Why can't I be okay? My mind continues to wage war. War! Someone will die. 

Each part of my self, my worth, keeps chipping off by time.