Thoughts for the day: On the Fence

Is it strange that people hide from their feelings?

I'm taking time to move on after all the dust had settled and yet I feel like I'm leaving you in all the dust, am I scared to move forward because I'll lose everything?

Scared. Feeling as if I'm on everyone else's time and not my own. I don't want to pretend that I'm getting better. I slowly am but I just need something, but what is this something? What void am I trying to fill? What am I trying to accomplish?

Can you be the one to save me? Should I let chance decide everything and I'll be better?

If I see you struggling I think I'll feel guilty because I'm not. I've never really had to struggle, does that make me spoiled? Is that why we can't understand each other anymore? We're on different levels of understanding.

Then there's everything else. The universe is trying to help me fill this void I've been feeling but when I grab and latch onto those things, does it make me selfish to want to fill the empty void with words and faces?

Control, that's all I've ever wanted. I want to be able to control how I feel and get a grip on reality and be able to smile and be happy. But then there's that word again, happy. And control can never be, I just have to go with the flow. But how can I go with the flow when the waves are too rough to endure?

"Return me to my former glory, can you see the illusion of who I'm trying to create?"

Thoughts for the Day: Stuck in my head

Do you ever feel like you are setting yourself up for failure? That you may be so blind to everything because optimism gets in the way? Or do you see in color when all I see is Black and White? There may be a time and place for everything so how is everyone so sure at that moment this is what they want? Its a need vs want sort of thing, right? Do you need to feel like this or do you want to feel like this? That is the root of the problem. Is it because deep down you feel broken that you need to be optimistic so you don't fall apart, is that when being blind is better? Ignorance is bliss is what they say. Or is it that you're so broken that you want to feel the sense of optimism because deep down all you feel is numb? Is that motivation?

On another note. Does being confident have anything to do with being a jerk too? Is it that you see what you want to be and yet you label something so negative, because you feel like you will never level up to being that, to make yourself feel better that you aren't? If that made any sense at all? You can feel good about yourself and love yourself but never stoop so low where you have to be a jerk to people to make yourself feel better, you'll feel even worse.

Then there are people who get scared of happiness. What is wrong with happiness? Isn't that what everyone in their life is trying to achieve that is why people buy things to make themselves happy?


Then there is me probably seeing the one side of every story. Am I secretly trying to make it that way so I feel better about myself?


"There is this battle, this war, and after all the casualties have been counted, will I be able to see the beginning as it used to be when everyone, even me, were free?"

The Dream: Part Ni

"Morganna. I'm Serious. You're in your dream." He motioned to what was around him and said, "Look around you."
I looked at the robot-zombie people and they stared at us, like he wasn't supposed to tell me I was in my dream.
"They look mad." I stated.
He laughed a little bit and said, "That's because they can't leave."
I looked at them and then back at him, "What do you mean they can't leave?"
"They just can't I haven't figured that out yet."
"What do you mean figured it out yet?
"Oh Morganna, Stop asking so many questions you'll know eventually. C'mon lets get out of here. This place is starting to creep me out."
"Oh its starting to creep you out, what do you think it's been doing to me?"

He stopped and smiled at me. He had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen and for some strange reason I didn't feel scared with him. I had never met him before in my life, but yet this dream had created something so handsome. I was quickly snapped out of my day dream when he said, "Oh crap, Morganna Listen. Are you listening?" he looked back at me, I nodded. "Okay good, Now, these shadow guys that are following us don't let them get you. No matter what. Don't let them get you. Even though this is a dream, I'm serious, they are dangerous. Hurry up we need to run." he grabbed my hand and began to pull me along with him. We were running in a dead sprint through the hallways of the mall, we took another pair of escalator stairs to the third floor, but by the time we had reached the stairs to the fourth I couldn't keep up, my legs began to feel like weights and my lungs were burning like they were on fire with each breath I took. I let go of his hand and he stopped and looked back at me and said, "Hurry Morganna, we don't have time for this". He tried to make me pick myself and keep running. My whole entire body ached, I couldn't do it. I croaked, "I can't do it. I can't catch my breath." I was hunched over with my hands on my knees trying to take as big gulps of air as I could take. He laughed. I looked up confused, but he didn't stop, he laughed like it was funny. He then said, "Morganna, You're in your dream don't you get it? You don't need to breathe. It's not necessary." I took another gulp of air and didn't believe it. I didn't need to breathe?

I stood up and closed my eyes and told myself I could breathe normally and instantly I felt normal again the aches in my body were gone, but I didn't have time to admire what happened, because we were off running again from these so called 'Shadow Guys'. We made it to the end of the hallway of the fourth floor. There were no more stairs and no way back, but there was a door that said something, If i tried to read it my vision would blur just like it did when I was trying to read the menu sign. We pushed open the door and I followed close behind him. We had made it to the roof of the mall. The door slammed shut from the wind behind us which made me clutch the back of his shirt and pull myself closer to him. We took another couple of steps and then we heard a loud hideous laugh from a woman. That's when we saw her. She had long knee-length black hair and a white old aged dress but I couldn't see her face. The handsome guy stopped put himself in front of me instantly. The lady then said, "Move aside and surrender her now!" she held out her bony fingers intending him to hand me over. He said, "Never, you can't keep her. She doesn't belong here."
The lady snarled, "Hand her over now!" she began to move towards us. He turned to me wrapped his arms around me and put his lips to my ear and whispered, "Morganna I need you to focus, focus now, Picture us somewhere else on a sidewalk or something. Anywhere but here. You can do it just focus." I closed my eyes and my mind went blank I couldn't think of anywhere else. What would happen if they capture me? Oh right, focus Morganna. I thought harder and when I opened my eyes we were standing on a sidewalk in a suburbia neighborhood. It had worked! I smiled and he said, "See, I told you." He started to walk to one of the houses. I followed him. he opened one of the doors and stepped inside a really nice house. It had  been painted a maroon color with white trim and the front door had an oval glass window in the center, the kind of house you would expect in a suburbia. He turned around in the entrance to the door, "Morganna, I have to go now. You have to remember this dream. Don't forget this ever." I looked at him not sure of what I was supposed to do. Where was he going? What if those shadow creatures come back? "Morganna?" he said again, probably testing to see if I was still paying attention. "Oh, Sorry. I wont forget." I said quietly.

"Also Morganna, If I meet you on the other side someday can you tell me about this dream. I'd love to hear it." he said with a dorky smile on his face.
"I promise." I said.

==============THE END===========

The Dream: Part Ichi

It was dark, not because I was blind but that the lights they were gone. It felt as if I could have been blind. It was to the point of blackness that I couldn't even see the clothes I was wearing. I could hear a faucet dripping water in a pattern I could repeat because I've been hearing it for so long. I tried to stand up but my legs wouldn't move. Why couldn't they move? The door opened slightly light just instantly filled the room, and I couldn't see, my eyes had been surprised by the amount of light that shone into the room. When my eyes finally adjusted I was sitting in a chair with little spots of white still visible but fading. All around me was brooms, mops, dust pans, and cleaning supplies. A janitors closet? I tried to stand up again and this time it was different I could feel the blood pulsing through my legs, had the darkness taken my ability to stand?

I stumbled out of the door into a mall. Why was I in a mall? I could see people walking, shopping, talking, but there was no sound to any of it. It was quiet. I looked at a couple people walking by, they had expressionless faces. The weird thing was that no one really moved like they were doing anything. It was as if someone had placed them in a diorama of a mall and that was exactly the only function they were to do. For example, There was this woman, maybe mid 30's, she had short red hair and a motherly figure and all she kept doing was scan the same bar code of the same shirt over and over again. Nobody stopped her and she didn't mind, it was as if it was new to her every single time she did it.

I walked in and asked her, "Umm excuse me, do you know where this is?"
She looked up for the first time since re-scanning.
I said again, "Do. you. know. where. this. is?"
she shook her head no, and looked back down and started to rescan the shirt again.
I sighed and walked out of the store.

I began to look around again, the people just didn't seem to notice that I was there. I kept walking and a girl maybe a couple of feet ahead of me looked like someone I knew, so ran as quick as I could to her and when I touched her shoulder and turned her around to look at me, it wasn't anybody that I've met before. She didn't even hesitate and turned back around and kept walking like she was supposed to.
I went up the escalators like stairs because they didn't seem to be working. When I reached the second floor, I saw the food courts and a couple of other stores. And again all the people were just doing whatever they were programmed to do.

I screamed, "IS THERE ANYONE HERE THAT ISN'T A ROBOT?"
After I screamed, I figured robot was probably the wrong word choice, they weren't zombies, and if you looked close enough they weren't human either. I walked into one of the food places, they didn't have any food out so I couldn't really tell you what they sold. I looked at the menu, but when I tried to read it the words just blurred like someone had put glasses on me for someone with really bad vision. I walked up to the counter and I asked the guy at the front counter, "Umm Do you sell water? I'm so thirsty."
He looked at me and shook his head and said, "Your human money doesn't work here. Can you please leave."
"Excuse me, Did you just say human-" I tried to ask, but he cut me off, "Please leave. Please leave."
It looked like he was about to have a panic attack. I just slowly backed away and turned and headed for the exit as quick as I could. I thought I was about to have a panic attack myself. I walked faster through the people, and it felt like I was walking in circles.
That's when I saw him. He was a few people in front of me and that's when I knew he wasn't a robot-zombie, cause when he looked at me with those eyes I instantly knew to go to him. I ran up to him and I almost began crying and he said, "Morganna, Don't cry. Just Don't. You're in your dream." I took a step back and just looked at him, I felt like I was pretty out of it, so I wasn't sure if I had heard him correctly. He grabbed my shoulders and looked at me with severe intensity and said again, "Morganna. I'm serious. You're in your dream."

Thoughts For the Day: Sunshine, Sunshine

"Oh sunshine smiling down on me, can you see the hatred that lingers? This pain and sorrow is stuck to the bottom of my shoes like gum you wished you'd never stepped in."

You know they say there is the light at the end of the tunnel, but how far does this tunnel lead?

They say its not always greener on the other side, but I'm sure its a whole lot greener than where I was at.

Its been far too long to keep writing about the pain I feel and I think I should be writing about the smiles and the laughs that I've been making instead of the tears I've been shedding. There are many people trying to keep the smile on my face, But most of the time its totally fake. I'm not trying to fall back into my old habits, that's the least person I want to be, but Oh, oh the attention, why do I miss thee? Ive been slowly becoming who I once was and when I look into the mirror again I'm back at square one. Can you save me from my solitude? Can you save me from myself?

There are times where I wake up and I go through the day, nothing bad happens, and yet still deep down inside it feels as if it had been raining down on me. Is it just me? Is this what it feels like to be human?

There are points in your life where you sit yourself down and reassess the whole situation, but first you have to point out what the problem is first. But can I make myself point all the fingers to you, and maybe, just maybe, I'll understand that this was never healthy for me?

Sometimes, Its late at night, and the shadows begin to form monsters and creatures, like the ones your scared of that are hiding under your bed. Sometimes, the floor makes noises as if someone else is walking upstairs, but its all in your head. Can music, Can sound, save myself from bitter loneliness? If so, For how long can I pretend?

This is the time to figure things out, right?

"Oh sunshine, sunshine, smiling down on me, can you scare away the things that frighten me?"

Thoughts for The Day: Better Myself

So I went to church today. I felt as if I stepped inside I would have burst right into flames and disintegrated, but I didn't. I sat there off in my own world just thinking and thinking about everything, is church supposed to do that to you? The words spoken today told me to Try Again but instead of trying by myself to try again and let God lend a hand. Also another thing that was said today was that If I don't love myself or who I am then why should anyone love me if I don't love me. That struck a nerve and I thought about the diet that I'm beginning to start, my goal is to become a healthier me and I want to work back to my beach body. :) There are points still in the day where I fell pangs of sadness, but I'm slowly working through those, not to get over it, but to deal with it in a healthy way. I think that's what I need to be, in general, a Healthier me. I think there is a point in your life when you look in the mirror and realize this is not who you were supposed to be, and I think I've finally hit that point. I'm going to better myself and then I can better the both of us, if that is even in my cards of fate. My goal right now is to be The Best That He Never had, and that's a promise I made to myself.

Thoughts for the Day: Stronger

I've been asking God lately for a lot of Strength, and I've been waiting to feel it. I keep asking myself Do I feel stronger yet? and the answer is no. There are times where I feel better but the sadness seeps in like little snakes waiting for the moment when you let your guard down and they snap and bite and infect you with poison of sadness or anger. I didn't cry today, well not yet anyways, and that is a big accomplishment. I didn't feel sorry for myself today and I got up and I put make up on like I did when I was in high school and I felt a lot better. I went and exercised before I went to work and I must admit it made me feel a lot better too. Its just when the night time rolls round and I'm alone with my thoughts in my empty house, that's when the pain gets worse. Have you ever had to put a movie or music on to let the silence finally break and you don't feel so alone? Its been one day and to me it feels like an eternity. But again I'll ask God for Strength, All I want is to be stronger.

Thoughts for Today: The promise

There have been many black days and teeth grinding nights.
Its been a struggle, a battle, to which Ive been fighting.
I have been playing to my own set rules.
My heart has been troubled to the point of no return.
I jerk awake in the middle of the night, the night time moon is the only one that saw. 
Its been far too long to remember the list of all the problems and the indecisive decisions we've made. This is where we are meant to be.
Ive been lying to my heart and coaxing it to go along with my head and Ive ended up here, well, nowhere instead.
This moonlit night just comfort me with your beauty and I'll stare forever at your soul, to fill the void where mine was sold.
I'll long for the warmth of the summer and in your arms I'll stay forever.
I'll keep waiting and playing, like a pawn on a board, waiting for the day, oh that day, to be restored.