How Your Song Saved Her Soul

She waited nervously sitting on a park bench. She had her legs crossed at the ankles and her hands folded in her lap. Sometimes, she would occasionally spread out the made-up wrinkles in her dress. Her nervous ticks were showing. Her heart was beating faster as each minute passed by. The orange-red mess of a sky began to shine across the skyline of the trees. A mix of orange and green colors blending into a beautiful, peaceful moment, one she would never forget. The night began to engulf the day. The scent of cotton candy, a red velvety scent, was swirling around her. Her skin glowed with excitement. She brushed the hair on the right side of her face behind her ear. She smiled to herself. She took a deep breath and controlled her breathing. She glanced around at her surroundings. She was alone, but not for long, she thought to herself. She began to hum a familiar tune to herself, leaned back against the bench, looked at the sky, and then opened her mouth to sing. A sound so beautiful formed against her red-lipstick covered lips. She sang as loud as she wanted to sing, because it was just her and the audience of nature. She stood up off the bench and spread out her arms and spun around in a circle a couple times. She laughed a little bit, but she continued to sing.

She heard footsteps walking closer to her. She turned around excited, but it wasn’t whom she was expecting. He stood there in a t-shirt with a black vest, and jeans that were fit perfect to his tall and lean legs. She noticed his smile first, but when she finally looked at him directly, his green eyes pierced her soul. She took a step back and placed her hands behind her back. She was acting shy. She looked down at her feet, but he took a step forward and lifted up her chin, so that they were looking into each other’s eyes. He smiled again. Her cheeks flushed red in response. That’s when she noticed a strap across his chest; he was carrying something behind his back. His eyes followed her gaze. He smiled again. He pulled the guitar from his back and offered to play a song for her. She took a step back, she was acting shy again. She slightly nodded in response. He motioned for her to sit on the bench, so she complied.

He placed the guitar on top of his knee and began strumming the chords. When he played, the sound that came out was just as beautiful as her song. Her heart leaped inside of her chest. She continued to listen. She closed her eyes soaking in every sound, she felt a little embarrassed, like she was listening to a piece of his soul. That’s when something she was expecting happened. He began to sing! She opened her eyes quickly and locked her eyes onto him. She noticed the corners of his lips turn up; he had noticed her surprised expression. She looked away quickly knowing she had been caught. He continued to sing. The melody was caressing her ears. When the song became familiar, she opened her mouth, took a deep breath, and she sang along with him. He paused for a brief moment; finally, she had surprised him, but after the brief pause they continued to sing together.

In the middle of their song, the park lamps began to turn on one-by-one. They paused and looked up at the lights, then looked at each other, and then laughed. She hadn’t realized a long amount of time had passed. He walked towards her and sat next to the empty space right beside her on the park bench. She shifted away from him a little, the nervous ticks beginning again. He smiled and asked for her name. She looked up at him and the expression she displayed was more of a realization expression, because she realized they were strangers. How could she forget such a thing? She thought. That’s when she realized something else the person whom she had been waiting this entire time had not shown up. She bit her lip in frustration.

He noticed the expression on her face and held out his hand. She looked at him confused. He sat up straight, cleared his throat, and introduced himself formally. She laughed a little bit, but then sat up straight, cleared her voice, and introduced herself. They exchanged greetings, but then he asked the most important question of all, “Why are you out here alone?” Her smile faded and she remembered the letter, the roses, and the apology that was inscribed inside. She was waiting for someone who was never going to show, but she came out and waited for a ghost. His face became serious and he outstretched his arms and held her close as she began to weep. He rested his chin on her head and felt each tear soak into the fibers of his clothes on his chest. For what seemed like hours passing by, but in reality only minutes had passed, she cried into the arms of this wonderful stranger. When she could cry no more, she looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. He wiped her tears away and offered to walk her home. She nodded. He helped her up and held onto her hand as he led her out of the park. She felt warm and safe that way.

When they reached the entrance of the park, a black expensive car pulled up. They stopped and looked curiously at the out-of-place car. The driver stepped out and called her name. She nodded. He walked around and opened the door for her. She looked at the wonderful stranger holding her hand in disbelief. Both of them didn’t know what to do. She called out to the driver who it was from and where she was going. The driver replied. She froze instantly at the recognition of the name. The driver took a couple steps towards her and handed her a note. It was another apology, she already knew. She took a step back and let go of his hand. The feelings inside her began to swirl inside like a tornado that was causing chaos and destruction. She glanced at both options. She took a deep breath and then walked ahead of the car. Both the driver and the wonderful stranger stood still. She smiled, motioned for the wonderful stranger, and started to continue walking on their original destination.

He didn’t realize what she meant at first, but when it registered inside of his head he quickly responded to her invitation. When he reached her, he grabbed her hand, and they both smiled at each other. Instead of walking her home, he mentioned a piano bar that was around the neighborhood. She laughed a little bit, intrigued at the offer, so she agreed. When she entered the bar, there were tables set up with small lamps in the center and used cigarette ashtrays dispersed throughout the tables. The lights were dimly lit, the sole lighting source being directed at the stage. It smelled of fancy liquor and cigarettes, but the smell didn’t bother her. People were socially scattered throughout the bar, sitting, standing, dancing, and even some singing at the top of their drunken lungs. He walked her to the front, closer to the stage, and seated her at the table that said, “Reserved”. She gave him a disconcerting look, but he reassured her that she was okay. He sat next to her and watched the act continue. The entertainer was playing an up-beat piano song, so she couldn’t help but tap her foot to the beat.

When the entertainer finished his song, he glanced at us and gave a huge smile. He stood up dramatically from the piano and motioned for the bar to look at the table in the front. Wait… she thought, he was motioning to her table. She flushed red. He introduced the next act and when her wonderful stranger’s name came out she looked at him with surprise written all over her face. He smiled a goofy smile and then jumped up onto the stage. He bowed and waved at the audience. He then walked over to the piano and sat down. He looked at her and winked. She smiled in response. His facial expression became serious and he began to play a familiar tune. She recognized it as the song they sang at the park. Then abruptly he stopped playing. He turned to her and then to the audience and said he couldn’t play without someone singing. Everyone in the bar got quiet. He then started to introduce someone with a beautiful voice, a voice that could stop anyone in their tracks; a voice that could send shivers down anyone’s spine, a voice that is wonderful. When he called out the name, no one in the crowd moved. Everyone began to look around, but he introduced the name again. It wasn’t until the third time that she realized he had called her name. She sat in disbelief. He held out his hand to her and he nodded. She shook her head no. No one had heard her voice before, well, except for him. She took a deep breath and grabbed his hand. He led her to the front of the stage. He let go and walked back around to the seat of the piano. Her nerves were exploding inside of her body, she felt petrified and scared. She bet the crowd could see it on her face too.

The music started to play, the familiar tune of the wonderful stranger. She didn’t want to ruin his beautiful song, so she took a deep breath, opened her mouth, and sang. When the words came out of her mouth, the entire bar stopped. They all looked up at her singing, their facial expressions blank. Was that a good thing? She thought to herself.  She didn’t react. Instead, she continued to sing, while she put a piece of her soul into the song. When the last note was played, she looked at the crowd and no one moved. It wasn’t until they erupted in cheers when she realized she was holding her breath. She exhaled and looked at the wonderful stranger. He grabbed her hand and they faced the crowd and gave a theatric bow. The crowd cheered wildly for them, but most importantly, for her. She smiled and curtsied and he led her off of the stage. When they made it to the floor, she turned to him and hugged him in excitement. She realized what she had done and stepped back quickly. He opened his mouth to tell her something, but instead she heard her name being yelled from across the room.

She turned around and looked through the crowd, but she couldn’t see anyone she knew. She heard her name being called again. Finally, she noticed a man in a dark blue suit and tie walking towards her, his hair slicked back, and his crystal blue eyes locked in only on her. He was waving one of his arms to draw attention to him, but he didn’t have to do that, since he was the only one who stood out in this kind of place. She stood frozen. It was him. The one she was escaping tonight. Out of all places why was she seeing him here. When he finally reached the two of them, he was excited about her new found voice. She stood there annoyed, scared, and nervous. She tried to explain to him that he never once wanted her to sing to him or to anyone, so how could he have known that she could. He laughed, trying to play it off and called her “Baby” which rolled out of his mouth each time like a snake. She shook her head and opened her mouth to bid him farewell, until a woman in a short shiny-sequined covered dress approached them. She called him “darling” and “sweetheart” in a voice too annoying to want to hear more than once. The man in the suit was the one who looked nervous now instead of her and tried to persuade her he didn’t know who the sequined-dress woman was, while the sequined dress woman slapped him and stormed out of the bar while a couple guys followed after her.

That is when the wonderful stranger turned her around and kissed her, both surprising her and the man in the suit. She flailed for a second, but then realized she was secretly waiting to kiss him all night. She gave in. The man in the suit was furious so he pulled them apart and swung at the guy. The wonderful stranger ducked just in time to miss the punch that was aimed at his face. The wonderful stranger grabbed her hand and told her to run as he pulled her along with him out of the bar. Once they were outside, they took off in an unknown direction. When they finally realized they made it far away from the bar, they stopped while of both of them were out of breath and panting. For a second they paused and looked at each other, then began to laugh hysterically at the thought of their exciting adventure. After they were done laughing, he asked if she had enough adventure for one night, so that he could take her home. She didn’t realize how tired she was until he pointed it out. She looked at her feet, her heels were run down and her feet were covered in dirt. She nodded and agreed to finally go home.

He began to walk her home and when he realized how tired she must be he commanded her to get on top of his back so he could carry her home. She was embarrassed and shy at first, but he said he wouldn’t move until she was on his back, so she complied. He walked them home, both of them silent for a while. When they reached the front steps of her porch he put her down onto the sidewalk, so she could walk to her front door. He walked with her and they looked at each other, but he said goodnight and started to walk away. He didn’t kiss her. She was confused. She watched him walk to the sidewalk and take his leave, while she was on the front steps standing in silence. She called out to him and asked why. He replied to her that when he meets her again then he’ll take her into his arms and keep her forever that was his condition. All she could do was nod.

As she continued to watch him, an excruciatingly loud beeping sound was sounding off in her ears. She covered both of her ears and squinted in pain. When she opened her eyes, she was staring at the ceiling of her bedroom. The beeping sound was still yelling at her to turn it off. She rolled over in bed and looked at her phone; it was 6:58am. She groaned and turned off the alarm. She rolled out of bed and walked to her bathroom. She sat on her toilet for a while trying to recall her dream. It was nothing but a blur. She probably drank too much wine again last night. She sighed. She quickly forgot about the dream and began to get ready for work. She made her way to the kitchen and poured a glass of red moscato wine. She sipped it slowly. As she finished the cup of wine, she threw the cup into the sink and made her way out the door.

It was in the dead of winter, so it was extremely cold outside. She walked passed a snow covered park and she stopped dead in her tracks. It reminded her of warmth. She stood there awhile trying to recall her thoughts. Instead of making it to work on time, she walked deeper into the park. She came across a snow covered bench and she couldn’t place where she had seen this before. It was familiar. She was frustrated because she couldn’t remember. That’s when she walked to the bench and traced her fingers against the edges of the bench. She started to hum a song, but what song was this? She thought to herself. She turned to walk away. She had enough of the cold biting at her skin. She made her way to the front entrance of the park. She glanced back at the park once then continued on her way to work. She took a couple steps, when she heard someone playing the guitar.

She followed the sound. The sound was attached to a man. He was sitting in a small café, playing a guitar and singing out his heart. She walked into the café and he stopped as soon as she walked in. He looked at her once then started playing his guitar again. She recognized it instantly. It was the tune she was singing at the park! She walked closer entranced by his music. He then opened his mouth and he sang, but when he did, her dream hit her like a brick wall. Every piece of her dream flooded back into her head. She had to sit down to process everything and he carefully watched her. After she remembered everything, she looked up at him and she took a deep breath, and she started to sing. He smiled, because now she confirmed his hopes. When the song ended and the café clapped intensely. He stood up and walked towards her. He opened his mouth to say something, but instead she grabbed his face and pressed her lips to his. When she pulled away from him, she looked into his eyes and said, “Your song saved my soul,” and then they kissed again.              

Dreams: The Girl in the Dark Green Dress

He stood in the doorway unable to talk himself into walking into the house. Why couldn’t he move forward? He took a deep sigh and contemplated turning around on his heels to just leave. That’s when an image of her flashed inside of his head. He stood up straight and thought to himself, Oh, that’s right SHE is going to be here. He took a couple steps into the entrance way. It was progress. That is when he heard a familiar voice call out his name. He looked up and saw his brother walking towards him. This was the younger brother, but only by months apart. He let out a sigh again. His brother took him by the arm and began to drag him to the dining room where the rest of the voices were coming from. He saw familiar faces and returned each smile that the people in the room were sending towards him. The younger brother let go of his arm and looked to him and mouthed the words, “Don’t worry.” He nodded. That is when he noticed the bar in the back of the room. His feet didn’t have to register the signals his mind was sending, that was the destination he wanted to go. He reached the bar and grabbed the whiskey from the shelf. He popped the lid off and sat in the back of the room watching the familiar strangers’ converse with one another. She wasn’t here. He took a swig. It is better for both of us that she isn’t here. He took another swig. He continued to sit at the back of the room and drink away his thoughts.

+---------------+

She stood in the hallway. She stopped dead in her tracks. She heard his name being called out in the front of the house. Why is he here? She thought to herself. She could only bear having the younger brother here, but now, both of them were under the same roof as she. She was snapped out of her daydream when a pair hands grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around. She was facing the younger brother. He opened his mouth to speak, but she was too much in a daze to register the words that were spoken.

                “Are you even listening to me? Anna you need to listen. Hello,” he had both his hands grasping her shoulders while shaking her with each word he said.

                “Oh, I’m sorry. I couldn’t focus.” She murmured.

                “Anna, Please do not go anywhere near him.” He begged her.

                She began to day dream again and when she came to she let out a sigh, “I understand.”

                “It’ll be the end of you both. You know what will happen,” he bent down to face her directly.

                “I understand,” she repeated again.

She felt the weight begin to tighten in her chest with each breath she began to take. The younger brother let go of her shoulders and walked passed her back into the other room. The chatter continued. With the warning she was just given, she stood in the hallway a moment longer to gather her thoughts.

+-------------+     

He was probably on his twelfth shot of whiskey, when he saw a woman’s figure in a dark green dress enter the room.  He watched her as she cautiously walked into the room and through the people. Her head was held low, while her dark black hair was draped over the sides of her face. She looked familiar he thought. He stood up and wanted to get a closer look at who the woman was, but she had already made it into the next room before he had a chance to look. He took another swig. He began to follow suit of the girl in the dark green dress. When he got to the dining room doorway, a hand grasped on to his arm. He looked back at the owner of the hand. It wasn’t her.  It’s not her. His heart dropped a little bit into his stomach. The owner of the hand mouthed a couple words to him, but the words were wasted. His thoughts were only about her.  Unable to be rude, he stood there in the conversation and pretended to listen. He was waiting for the moment so that he could go find the woman in the dark green dress.

+--------------------+

She had made it successfully into the den without being seen. She took a deep sigh. She felt the weight lift off her shoulders a little bit. She stood next to the table of refreshments and recalled the scene that just played. When she had walked into the room, she noticed him right away. He was sitting there in grey skinny jeans, a mismatched tie, and a fedora on top of his curly hair. She smiled. She noticed in his left hand was a bottle of whiskey. She frowned. She knew exactly how he would get if he would drink.  As long as he didn’t see her, she was safe. She turned to the refreshments table and noticed tubes of liquid sitting in a tray. Alcohol? She thought. She grabbed one and drank it in one gulp. Yep. Definitely alcohol. She grabbed a couple more and drank each one gracefully like the one before it. It wasn’t till there weren’t any left that she realized she had finished the tray. She smiled. She felt numb. She liked feeling numb. A couple seconds later, her cheeks got flushed. She began to feel extremely warm. She needed air, so she set off to the front door. She stumbled a little, but too discreetly for anyone to notice. She made it to the front door. She turned the handle and took a couple steps outside.

+-----------------------+

                He finally saw an opportunity to escape the conversation and escaped by saying he needed air. He smiled to himself. He left the dining room and entered the den. He walked through groups of people and checked beside the refreshment table. The girl in the dark green dress was gone. He turned around and looked towards the doorway. He caught a glimpse of a girl stumbling, heading towards the front door…in a dark green dress. He made his way through the crowds of people, some of them even giving him weird looks, but he didn’t care. He finally made it to the glass door. He turned the handle and took a couple steps outside.

                The girl in the dark green dress was sitting on the front porch with her hands folded in her lap. She was looking towards the sky. Her hair was still draped across the sides of her face, but he could see the smile she wore in the moonlight.  He smiled to himself. He took another swig of whiskey from the bottle.

                “It’s a beautiful night tonight, especially since you’re in it,” he said smoothly.

                “Oh it is, is it…” She chuckled and looked towards him. As soon as she looked at him her smile disappeared in an instant. It’s him. She thought. Her heart fell to the pit of her stomach.

                “It… It’s you.” They both said harmoniously.

                “I saw you and I wanted to find out who you were, but I suppose I should have known the most beautiful girl in the room would’ve been you,” he said as he took a couple steps towards her.

                “I’m so sorry. I better go,” She stood up and dusted herself off and started to make her way to the front door so she could return to the party.

                “Please don’t leave, I have something to say,” He turned towards her and was about to reach out for her, but stopped half way. He tightened his grip and pulled back his hand.

                “I can’t….” She whispered. That was all her heart could let her do.

                “Anna, I need you to forget about me. I need you to move on. We need to be able to come to a party and pretend that we don’t know each other. We need to forget that we ever loved each other. You look at me and every time you do you have to make sure your heart doesn’t break. I don’t want that for you. I want you to be happy. I want you and I to have happy memories and not these. Not the ones where we keep trying to hide from each other,” he said with no breaks for air. He was spilling his soul out to her.

                “Pretend? Really? I don’t want to have to pretend that I don’t know you, because everyone in that room already knows.  Everyone will always know. We can be in a room full of strangers and they would feel the connection we will always have. How is it that I love you more than the world, but you want me to simply forget? How can you be so cruel?” She spat out.

                “Please just listen to me,” He reached out and hugged her, crushing her into his chest. He could smell the familiar shampoo’s scent that lingered in her hair. She didn’t say a word. He continued, “I found happiness. I’m on the other side of the world. I am far away from you. There cannot be something made out of nothing. I am happy. I am without you. Can’t you see your punishing yourself?”

                “I’m… not. I’m not punishing myself. Why would I punish myself with love?” She sobbed.

                “Because the love you have for me will never erase. It will never fade. It will be the poison that corrodes your soul. It’ll be the reason you’ll die,” He said softly in her ear.

                “Then for this one moment, this one moment, hold me like you love me one last time. I’ll let you go, I don’t want to die,” She whispered.

 

                He didn’t say a word and simply obeyed to her last command. He wrapped his arms around her body. She wrapped her arms around his body and rested her head on his chest. A piece of her broke again. A piece of him broke again. They stood like this for what seemed like hours. Secretly, he did not want to let her go, but he had to. He had to let her go, because the ring that was now on his finger bounded him to his happiness. Because of his happiness, he had to let her go, so that in return, she would find her own.

 

夜間の花火

The fire that bent and roared against the night sky,

It danced along while it traced the crevices of your skin,

The burning passion of the touch between our lips.

The smoke that leapt towards the moon,

Signals flared to end things soon,

The way you took each breath was art,

The way your fingertips traced every inch of my skin,

           The fire roared deep within.

Your tongue followed suit to your hands,

The fire raged against the night.

We both gave in,

We didn't fight.

Oh, sweet seduction!

The Stars overlooked the fire's destruction.

The fire grew wild, yet, still tame,

The warmth it provided was to blame.

The fire illuminated the ways of sin,

               The fire roared deep within.

The smoke began to change from black to white,

The fire subsided,

The fire died,

No one knew where we had been,

                The fire roared deep within. 

Where We'll Shine Out

There you stood in a black tie and a black suit,
      You stood there with your heart in your hands
while the droplets of blood hitting the floor sounded off like drums at the beginning of war.
       I stood across the room with my hands
 plunged deep into my chest
       Why couldn't I pull out my heart to give to you?

I could see your lips move, forming words.
      you extended your arms towards me more and more.
I felt stuck to the floor when I tried to move,
     gravity was holding me down as best as it could.
Deep in my soul, All I wanted to do was run.

There you stood in a black tie and a black suit,
     I told you lies masked over with the gleam in your eyes.
The smile you displayed
      the guilt that overcame me,
Because you didn't know you were being betrayed,

I left my heart inside my chest. I spun around on my heels and I left.

Angel's Trumpet

I can see the emotional pain and neglect in the gleam of your eyes,

I can hear the loneliness in the sighs between your lies.
How were you able to try for so long, when the words you yearned for were already long gone?

I can see the happiness in your smile,
when you’re as far away as you can get from all of your trials.
I can see the little boy trying to call out to the little girl inside of me.
Why is the universe against all our beliefs?

I can see the way you yearn for touch, the closeness, the intimacy of your long lost love.

Why do you force yourself to stay in the dark?

The spark that emerged from warmth of your touch,

It was beyond comprehension, and it was too much.
The feelings that flooded, that reminded me of him,
What kind of predicament did we get ourselves in?

The entrancing state that we both feel,

The absence of pain is more than surreal,
Couldn’t I see you were drawn in with words?

The words that finally filled the void of your soul,

You want to stay and keep collecting more.
What shall happen when we realize this is why we will burn?

It’ll be too late,

We’re already torn between a kiss and touch,
It’s already too much
and
we’re in too deep,
This is why nightmares haunt me every time I sleep.

Cherokee Rose

You were sitting in silence,

but no one knew,

The demons were fighting inside of you.  

We’re still reeling with emotions from the shock,

Your mind was winding

 like a clock,

Ticking away

 hope as each hand progressed,

the lines you already started we were far than impressed.

You turned to the dark and it held you close, couldn’t you see you were a Cherokee rose?

You relied on each other like a match to a flame,

 You didn’t know,

and it was already too late.

You tried to call out in the night towards the moon,

 but all that

Echoed back

was the sound of your doom.

The trouble you shouldered all by yourself,

Like the bottle of whiskey on the shelf,

It kept dragging you down, like weights sinking to the ocean floor.

You were drowning in pain and could not take anymore,

 Even though you already chose,

Couldn’t you see, just this once, you were a Cherokee Rose?

Coarse

Anxiety builds with each insecurity. It feeds

                   off fears of loneliness and rejection. I fear that you have found someone better, which leads to loneliness beyond compare.
I stare at my arms, reminding myself with scars, that I'm better than this, but it fails.
 I'll trace along the whitened pigment skin, the mountain it created, reminds me
where
 I've
 been.
It creates doubt that you've left because I couldn't even love myself.

I'm tough around the edges when it comes to trust, I'll give you my soul
if I thought you were the one.
It's a challenge to break me, that's what I've thought you felt;
that you came around to see when I'd think enough is enough.

 Have you finally found someone who isn't broken like me?

At first I pretended not to care, caring is for those who believe they can be loved, and you tried and I denied everything you felt.

Now, I'm back to square one, unravelled, disheveled,

 and bare.

Pathetic hope is what lingers, the dramatic image of you at my door. Insecurities keep eating
And eating
                And eating
at my core.

Shut Down

I sometimes feel that I'm slowly falling apart. I keep weaving the leaves of my past together. I want to hide in the shade of these memories. The times I keep creating seem so jumbled and meshed together, that telling them apart is like finding a needle in a haystack. When I lay down to sleep, thoughts are painted across the walls in the shadows from the lights of passing cars. When I dream, I dream of you. Always of you and the way I let my feelings spill out of my soul. Those feelings linger and crush me when I wake up, because it's the words I'll never be able to say to you. You will never hear or feel the love I have for you. I brought this on myself. I can still picture your face and the way your eyes hook onto me and never lose focus. I remember the warmth from your body and the safety and security I crave. Only you, and you alone know all the demons that hide in my head. You accepted them before and you always reassured me that it would always be okay with you there. Now that your heart and soul can endure no more of me, I'm abandoned by the one who believed in me.

Anything But Nostalgia

You told me a while ago, to forget anything about you that I clung on to. You told me to delete you from my life, so I tried. I go day to day and I think about you maybe once or twice; a pain I want to forget. You scolded me for loving you, for the time I grew to figure it out was too late. It has been months now and you pop back into my life out of the blue. Should I scold you for being inconsiderate? You said to me:

"You have been the only thing that has caused anything in my life. I get drunk and think about everything because you made me who I am now, It wasn't your fault. A young girl who knew not what she wanted out of life. How dare I choose you? I ruined my life on trying to win you over forever too soon."

Is this the nostalgia setting in? You finally proposed your heart to another maiden and is the guilt or regret still rotting to your core?
I took a look at everything now, my nostalgia is setting in, everything I ever wanted was to be at your side. Why did you have to go so far away? You were the one who believed long distances could never work, so why could you leave me here?

I feel broken at times and that's when I cry. I cry till my eyes sting and turn red. I want to call my best friend and have you tell me it'll be okay. In reality, It's never going to be okay. My depression keeps repeating in my head that I will never be loved. It repeats that I am broken. Who could love a broken girl?

I have come to terms that my love for you will never die out. I have this terrible small hope that years from now, we'll run into each other and our life would start then. This life for us now, it's rotted with mistakes. Did I truly think that I forget?

Thoughts for the Day: Picking up the Pieces

I wish I was brand new. I woke up today and realized that you were a thorn in my shoe. I walked into my kitchen and grabbed a broom. I started sweeping up the pieces that were left by you. Each memory I swept away was a deep breath and words I never got to say. I let one tear fall. Nothing more. I won't let you keep hovering over my life, this isn't the calm before the storm. You echo in my head, the many sorry formed words you've said. Flashbacks continue to course through my heart,  it forms visions of you tearing me apart. I cry out for help; Where are you now? I'm afraid sometimes, to even leave my house. These bruises keep taunting me, keep yelling at me. Too many voices in my head, can't I just be? I keep blaming myself that it was my fault that it got out of control, I feel so helpless like I can't become whole. I ache for the pain in my heart to leave, for you to walk away and to just let me be. I gag with the words that keep forming in my throat, something you've once told me: No, no more. The sensations in my hands still hasn't returned, my blood has yielded, it is preparing for war. When a touch lingers on my skin, I want to embrace the thought, instead I cringe. Hopefully in time, I'll learn to be me, that one day, I'll be free from all these memories.

Thoughts for the day: Dark Soul

And you broke me,

Broke me like before.

 I can't help but wonder why I kept going back for more.

I set aside all the pain and I watched you drown yourself day by day.

 And through it all, I'm the one who stayed.

 Is this what I deserve?

You would stumble in late at night,

Words belligerent, you wanted to fight.

I did my best to lay you down, but you just wanted to fool around.

No matter how hard I tried, I’m the one who almost died.

And as I cried, the look you had in your eyes,

Who was staring back at me?

I can see the bruises in the light,

reminding myself of that night,

The way I screamed out for help,

and

all

that

 echoed back was my hell.

Is this how it is going to be?

You.

Scared.

Life.

Into.

Me.

Thoughts for the day: Ashes

There sometimes where I notice that I'm not all what I'm cracked up to be. I present this persona. "Like Me" I'll scream on the inside. I crave attention. Is there something in my head that switches this way? Is it a habitual pattern I picked up? Look at me, look at me. I make decisions hastily. I don't follow them through and then I watch the city burn in the aftermath. I don't want to break you. I don't want to break down and hide away. There's these moments in life where I look at myself and try to keep forcing a smile on my face. When I'm with you though, everything else seems so obsolete. I feel like I'm supposed to. I feel like a grown-up in 21 year-old skin. We try to connect through our minds. Intellectual chatter. Try to steal my heart, but its lost in the way of my mind. There are these moments, moments where I test you. I test you and, sometimes, you fail. I think there are times where you don't know what you want. I can see that you're soul searching. What are you searching for? I don't think love is in your best interests. I think a companion is what you need most. I can feel your heartache from across the table. Why are you so sad? You make me nervous. I feel like I should be a little more sophisticated than I need to be. Am I trying too hard? I want to stay in my own world and and just exist. I saw that blood today. It was streaming down their faces and I watched intensely. What does pain like that feel like? Even though its fake, there was some sense of aggression it was letting out for me. I connected. I feel like the end of our rope is drawing near. We are nothing but slowly turning from fire to ashes. Is this ember all that is left of two souls searching for completeness? I toss the ideas around sometimes that you could be that someone. What would happen in the future? Is there a future for lost souls? Do we continuously wander through nights and live by the light of street lamps?

"Let the sun rise, do you see what's inside? The hills are on fire, can you feel the desire? Are you suffocating in the smoke tonight?"

Thoughts for the Day: Adrenaline Junkie

I have figured out a new high. It's been a strange couple of weeks, something deep inside my soul is trying to tell me to live freely. I used to cry myself to sleep at night and I would sometimes sit in my car and just, well, exist. I figured out a way to get away from it all. I try to explore things that once scared me, for example, meeting someone online. I've never had the courage to actually meet anyone that is a complete stranger. It was a fascinating experience. I think the whole part of my soul that needs air, it is trying to tell me to become more social. It is hard living with anxiety and depression. I sometimes wondered if I was broken, something incredibly wrong in my head. I am normal, but I have a disease. I started going out more, to a bar, to an acquaintances house, something not in my norm. It is such a great experience, it is a shame when I have my low points in life that I keep missing all these moments.

Sometimes, people ask me if I choose to be sad all the time. Why would anyone choose in their life to be sad? There are those days where you feel like the world is out to get you and you can't shake the feeling. There are times in the middle of a fancy dinner, for example, my fingers will go numb and it'll trigger an anxiety attack. There are times in the happiest moments of my life, when this deep dark disease keeps eating away my soul. I don't choose to be sad. I don't choose to not be able to breath. I want to experience every moment in my life with happier eyes.

I've had a lot of happier moments lately, even if it is the smallest thing, the secret sense of accomplishment I feel to actually, even slightly, come out of my brooding shell is a point one score for me.

I'm going to do things I wouldn't necessarily do in my normal routine. Maybe something good will happen when I show an effort to try and beat this thing. It is a disease and I'm fighting it with my life. I want to be cured from the demons in my head. I want to defeat the inner turmoil my soul has clung to. It may serve a sense that I might consider this an adrenaline junkie, but I'm still too safe to try anything illegal anyways. It'll be a healthy experience. A quest for the ages.

Thoughts for the day: I think I wrote a diary.

Sometimes, I feel that If I continue to go down this path that I've chose, that I'll be forgotten. I wish sometimes I could pick myself up and tell my heart it'll be okay. I want to come home to support. I want to have a shoulder to cry on when I'm crying over which character in a series died. I want to yell at each other over which new anime to watch. I want to converse to someone over the infinity of the world. My other half is somewhere. I'm waiting, not very patiently, but I'm waiting. I keep telling myself that it won't end up that bad, I'm one smart girl. I lie awake at night and pretend sometimes that I'm in a movie and my other half is wide awake staring at their ceiling too. I want someone to cheer me on and laugh with me at my jokes. I want someone to hug me when I'm mad and sad and lonely and I want someone to know that I'm not perfect. I want someone to know that I'm moody and that I don't like people. I want to stay inside watch some tv and exist with you. I want to have adventures and go camping. I want to go on a boat, a boat that actually is used as a boat, I want to go hiking and see bears. I want to travel to japan one day. I want someone to love me for all my imperfections because everyone has them. I want to stop trying to be someone I'm not. I'm loyal. I'm the most loyalest friend you could have; a friend that would do anything for you. I would do anything to help you succeed. I want to be there for you every step of your journey. We could journey together and make mistakes, but we could laugh about them together, which makes all the difference. 

Thoughts for the day: Time

I think I break my heart a day at a time

And you laughed while I cried.

I'd put emotions into empty space

Nothing you could ever replace.

I stood up tall and tried to leave

But there are the thoughts that worry me.

Why are people afraid of being alone?

I tried to take a couple steps and I froze.

You didn't care if I'd leave and that's the feeling that's killing me.

I put my trust into a lie and it started to crumble a day at a time.

I hoped for things to move along 

We're not right than we are wrong.

But late at night you're not around,

When the nightmares start to flow,

You're the heavy burden that keeps weighing me down.

I have those insecurities you've planted inside,

Each one keeps rolling in like the tides. 

I've hidden from myself for a long time,

I'm not sure who she is anymore,

Am I a lie?

There's too many things I once enjoyed,

And time already knows I let them be destroyed.

I feel like my soul was too weak,

That I kept giving it a chance,

But it now seems so bleak.

How much can I give that I'll realize there is nothing left?

How much can you take and take and take?

When will I know to finally walk away?

Thoughts for the day: Demons are at play

It's that time again. It starts to creep and make me hide deep into my shell. I want friends. I want to be a friend. I'm nothing more than an acquaintance. My best friend is a friend I can't even hang out with. We can't hang out because we're supposed to hate each other. My girl best friend lives far away. I'm tired of trying. I keep putting that damn smile on each fucking day, and it keeps getting no where. Does nobody see that I'm yelling on the inside. I want to break down every single day, I want to just sleep it off. I want to curl up and just sleep. Because my dreams are the only place I can truly get away. Anybody else's life for once; I'll take it. I have this disease stuck in me. It's intertwined in my bones and it won't let go. I'm trying to keep from drowning. No one knows what it feels like unless they have experienced this awful pain. It's to the point where I want to feel absolutely nothing. I don't want to feel any emotions because they are temporary anyways. Can someone please help me breathe in my own pool of sorrow? I'm terrified of myself. I'm terrified of what my mind is telling me. I'm scared to be by myself because that's when the Demons come back, they always know. They always know when I'm alone. If you could hear the pleading in my voice, I bet you could feel the absolute despair in my tone. I don't want to fight this battle against myself alone. 

Its a silent battle. It's a disease.

I think I've cried myself to sleep every night for the past two weeks. There's the feeling of emptiness. It lingers around me like clock work, each night. I try to sleep, I try to drown out all the negativity in my head. There's no one. No one. It repeats. I'll take a deep breath. Maybe one word you say to me will save me today. Just one word. It'll be okay. 

I stare at the luminescent window. Only the time changes. Only the sky changes. It's a silent graveyard. Silence will fall. The clouds roll in one by one, covering up the sun. 

There is too much love stuffed into a heart, about to explode to kill them both. 

There is too much hate embedded, it begins to rot the heart, but which one will come first?

The loneliness eats away. Why can't I be okay? My mind continues to wage war. War! Someone will die. 

Each part of my self, my worth, keeps chipping off by time. 

Thoughts for the Day: Lost in many Ways

I’m drowning. Suffocating and nauseating. A dark black aura; following around. A dark cloud. I’m Cursing in silence. Can you see the war in my head? Follow me around, can you see my shadow; it’s intertwining with the pull of the heart. I’m lost. Even though the tears keep falling, I’m drowning in my own despair. You can only see the smiles. I don’t want to die, but in my head there’s no choice. It’s already made up in my mind.  Skin is skin. Why can’t I feel? Why can’t I feel anything other than desperation and despondency? Can anyone tell? Can anyone deal? The tears begin to well up in my eyes. My breathing is shallow, I know it’s time. My fingers detach from my body. My blood begins to coast to the shore. Not anymore. Please, not anymore.

“Can you close your eyes and picture the future; the future where you were meant to live. Can you take on the direction of the wind and stay put in those shoes of stone? Don’t hide anymore. Don’t starve anymore.” You feel your eyelids fall to the floor, your heart beats counting, one more, one more…

Wrap yourself in warmth and comfort. Close your eyes it’s time for slumber. Tomorrow is beyond reach now, take me to my dreams where we can meet.

I’m trying to recall my dream, trying so hard to force it be a memory, I’m trying to remember everything you said to me and the way I called out to you. I don’t want this to fade; it’s the only thing I have left of you. Keep on smiling, the same way you smiled the day on the green earth when we laid together without a care in the world. In this world far apart, I’m happy, but in this world you’re happy. Could this be worse? She pleads to the sky with the tears in her eyes. “Can you take it all away?!” To loathe a single thing so much, but to want it to stay in my heart, is this really what it was? Can you rip my heart free?

 

Thoughts for the day: You scare me (but in a good way)

I feel like it is that time again, where I put myself into selfish situations. I can't believe sometimes the things that humanity can come up with. This is reality and its staring me straight in the face. I guess I saw you standing there, then I noticed it was her by your side,and what amazed me was that I thought she would've been a stranger, I guess I was hoping for her to be a stranger. Things in this lifetime keep suprising me. Sometimes, I wonder, when I'll be that girl, the one standing by someones side and that someone will look at me the way you do. I think that I don't give those guys the time of day. Am I scared? I keep attracting myself to trouble. I need to find a way out. There have been times lately when I look at you and you're so simple. It feels as if your a brick wall there to keep me from falling, but its not the same. I keep telling myself to let you go. Just let go, but deep in my soul I think you know.

Times when you come around; Do you feel the electricity between us. It is so tangible to me, but are you oblivious.

Times when you don't come around for days, makes me feel like I'm a doll at play.

Can we figure out what we are? Can you figure out what you want?

I'm in this in between.

Creep in, slowly.
Don't let go.
Creep in, quietly.
Don't let it show,
Keep your feelings locked inside.
I think you know.
I know there is this hope, simmering to the top.
Don't stop.
Don't stop.

Thoughts for the Day: Hazel Eyes

There are times where I feel like fate is still working and sorting through my mess of a life. Can this really be it? Is this all that I'm working for? Sometimes, nostalgia creeps in; it soaks into every fiber of my soul and waits. It waits until the day I let my guard down so that it can work at its full control. I want to drop out of my life sometimes, maybe one day, wake up and realize the whole life I knew was a lie. Would I find happiness then? There are so many things beyond our control, but everyone else thinks it's only up to us to change, to change what?

"Hazel eyes staring into mine, let me lose control, touch my skin, just let go. Your smile was mine, but it’s not anymore. My tears fall in my dreams reminding me of all the feelings, all the feelings we never dare to say. Hazel eyes, why can't I let you walk away? Torment. Guilt. Regret. Hazel eyes why do you make me feel this way? Why can't it be like our, once, childish days? Envy. Dreams keep telling me to let go, how do you let go when once you forget; they reappear in your dreams? How can I forget the things I want to not feel? Oh Hazel eyes, you make me feel warm. You make me feel like the whole sky is on fire. Can I not cry anymore? Can I forget that you tried? Can I forget that I was blind? Let me let go. Hazel eyes staring into mine, let me let go."