私は再びあなたに会うことを望みます

How can I write about pain,
when all I do is sleep all day?
How can I write about love,
when my heart is as black as night?

Solitude has been my friend for years,
and lately it has taken up residence in the empty spot on my bed,
it has comforted me,
when all I could do was clutch my stomach, curl in a ball, and cry.

I'm working again, more and more than before,
the question I keep asking myself is
how busy can I be,
while I try to ignore the shadow of doubt and insecurities
that keep following me.

I keep wondering each day, 
when my mind decides to wander,
when will the guilt and shame leave,
I keep asking why I feel so empty.

I know I'm not hungry
but I continue to tell myself to eat
my heart is hurting
and I can't breathe.

I've been down this road once before,
and I remember it wasn't a pretty sight.
It is worse this time, 
because I can compare
to those nights from the past,
when I looked up at the stars and realized
I'm so insignificant to the amount of stars
that reside in the sky.

I've walked along the top of this fence,
balancing my life on these outstretched arms,
I've always been afraid to fall,
and lately it has been so close.

I've confronted myself,
time and time again,
that I need to let go and try not to pretend,
that all that was left is a few forgotten words,
and memories that won't end.

I will continue on this path,
even though at times it seems so bleak,
eventually when I reach the end,
I will have accomplished all my dreams.

Thoughts for the day: The girl that stands before you

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I be gentler and more defined?

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life? 

Would I be happier and lovable and free from strife?

You're the boy who started to shape me,

You molded me and made me scared,

You showed me what love could be,

And I crumpled that love and tossed it in the recycling bin on the street,

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I still be broken and guarded like a prisoner in a jail cell threatening everyone with a makeshift knife?

You're the boy who splashed my life with colors and made it sparkle in front of my eyes,

You're the boy who made me feel emotions I could never comprehend,

You're the boy who helped this girl love herself for the first time.

What would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I be the childish girl leaving destruction where I please?

What would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I be this girl who is motivated to succeed?

You're the boy who waited, 

You showed me patience and what love should be,

You're the boy who loved me,

When all I wanted to do was bleed,

You're the boy who smiled and showed me what happiness could be,

And yet, I was the girl who set you free.

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I still be the girl that you deeply loved?

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would we both be free?

You're the boy who stood before me and handed me your heart in your hands,

And I'm the girl who was so in love with pain, that I sent you on your way,

Your heart in my hands.

You're the boy who moved away and you found happiness in a girl who knew what love was and now I'm standing in the past hoping the girl I was is gone. 

You're the boy who showed me what love could be, and I'm the girl who was in love with pain, that I stood in the darkness and I let you leave. 

Who would I be if you never existed, a love that could never be, would I still be the girl I was or a girl with bigger dreams? 

Legion

I want to talk to you. I want to have in depth conversations with you. I want to laugh with you. Remember when my cheeks would hurt? I want to be that happy again. I want to feel like I'm living, not existing. I guess I grew too attached to talking about everything, now it feels more lonely than before. How can you come into my life and make yourself comfortable and now I'm afraid to even say a word. I'm in a monotonous routine again, everything seems dim. I didn't realize how much I hated myself until you stopped whatever this is. I'm holding together by pieces and it seems like everything fell apart. I'm slowly ready to say goodbye, but I'm leaving apart of me instead. Time heals all wounds, but time is against me. I feel like I found something but it slipped through my fingertips. I play scenarios in my head constantly, that you're happier without me, is that why you can't even say good morning or goodnight. It's really not going out of your way, but I guess now that I realize it is going out of YOUR way to even acknowledge that I still exist. Everyday we talked to each other, we both made the effort. You can't decide what is best for me, but I understand that you're protecting yourself too, and well I think you just gave up happiness for a heart that is empty. 

Rain on a tin roof

She grew bitter, more than she already was.
She was tired of taking chances, she was already badly burned.
She cries herself to sleep at night, hoping the insomnia will leave her be,
She hopes that the nightmares would once turn to dreams,
but she is broken, damaged,
more than before.

She contemplates those lines again,
the ones that make her feel,
she doesn't want attention,
all she wants to do is heal.

She hopes for one night,
She won't think of you,

But all it is,

Is a reminder

Like rain hitting a tin roof. 

Do spiders ever get scared of the dark?

I'm stuck in a dark corner. The light never touches the edge, it gets so close it teases, and it never leaves traces of where it's been. I try to reach out to meet it half way, I'm intrigued by the light, but I stuck in a dark corner, this is my life. 

My eyes hurt to look at it, the beautiful shine it has. I'm stuck in a dark corner, this is all I have. 

My heart begins to beat faster, faster than I've ever known, Is this what it feels like to live? I would've never known. 

I'm stuck in a dark corner, I'm sorry it's all my fault, this darkness is all I've known, I don't know how to talk.

My tears are so frequent, it's like a storm in the sea, this dark corner is all I have, just darkness and me. 

I don't know how to feel, everything is so new, I wish you would understand, the light, the light... is you. 

Perspective wins the war

When fear settles in, remember that everyone fears what they don't know, so for me please try to understand. 

Sound cubed

For once in my life, I'd like you to stay, but all I can hear is the silence of crashing waves.