私は再びあなたに会うことを望みます

How can I write about pain,
when all I do is sleep all day?
How can I write about love,
when my heart is as black as night?

Solitude has been my friend for years,
and lately it has taken up residence in the empty spot on my bed,
it has comforted me,
when all I could do was clutch my stomach, curl in a ball, and cry.

I'm working again, more and more than before,
the question I keep asking myself is
how busy can I be,
while I try to ignore the shadow of doubt and insecurities
that keep following me.

I keep wondering each day, 
when my mind decides to wander,
when will the guilt and shame leave,
I keep asking why I feel so empty.

I know I'm not hungry
but I continue to tell myself to eat
my heart is hurting
and I can't breathe.

I've been down this road once before,
and I remember it wasn't a pretty sight.
It is worse this time, 
because I can compare
to those nights from the past,
when I looked up at the stars and realized
I'm so insignificant to the amount of stars
that reside in the sky.

I've walked along the top of this fence,
balancing my life on these outstretched arms,
I've always been afraid to fall,
and lately it has been so close.

I've confronted myself,
time and time again,
that I need to let go and try not to pretend,
that all that was left is a few forgotten words,
and memories that won't end.

I will continue on this path,
even though at times it seems so bleak,
eventually when I reach the end,
I will have accomplished all my dreams.