暗い山

When happiness has knocked on your door, you stumble to answer. Fear strikes every nerve in your body, when you get to the door will happiness be there on your door step? Will happiness wait? Will it accept your blunder and wait while you stretch to your full capacity to answer in time? The anxiety is resting in your fingertips again. You try to shake it off it’s not the right time. You already know what your heart will do, why does it hurt to make the choice then? After all the mountains you climbed, this one cliff is ready to make you fall. Could it be worth it to trek to the top? What happens when you get to the top and there is nothing there? What happens when you end up alone on the top of the mountain? If you take this fall off the cliff now, will there be someone to catch you if you fall? Could you save yourself the time and effort than climbing the mountain? You keep contemplating futures in your head, but none of them seem to include you both. Is that why your heart is hurting in the middle of night? Is that why your chest tightens and you expect the other to know how you feel? Is it when you feel the lump in your throat and you can’t catch your breath? You call out the empty sky, “This can’t be happening to me!” You finally thought that you deserved happiness, but the happiness you found is temporary and will be gone soon. You feel like this is what you deserve. After everything, you deserve what you get. You laugh to yourself, because you finally thought you made it out of the dark tunnel, but the tunnel just curved and put you deeper into the dark. How do you free yourself when the darkness is attaching to every thread of your body? How do you free yourself when you feel like nothing in the world could fix your heart… and most importantly… your head. You fight these demons each day. You hate the days the most when they really want to play. People keep scolding you for spacing out, for not paying attention, but your focus is on the demons creating chaos inside. You feel so down that at the point where you’re face down in the mud and you feel like you’ve had worse. How do you know if it is beneficial to keep climbing that mountain? There is no option to turn back and climb back down, it’s either to fall off the cliff or make it to the top? What do you choose? Who do you choose? How do you decide which heartache will be less painful? Which pain would you rather endure? Why is there no happy ending to this?

失敗

She is a girl who is lost.

            She smiles at the world,

                      But deep down she is nothing.

                  She is worn.

She makes up lies in her head to help her sleep in her bed,

            But the lines are red,

They've become blurred with time.

         It dries on the surface,

But she tells them she's fine.

She laughs to the world,

          But who would love a suicidal girl?

You tell her to stop, you tell her you care,

But it's wasted breath can't you tell?

She smiles to the world,

            She feels betrayed.

Of all people, you were the one who walked away.

She feels guilt in her soul,

She writhes in pain,

She feels like throwing up,

Her heart is stained.

            She cries to herself, 

                      She's being selfish again,

She's scared.

How long can she continue 

to smile at the world 

who doesn't even know she's there?

Silence will fall

This silence has become too much to bear,

While just one word you say,

Could ignite the fire to start the passion in my heart,

But the silence continues,

Each night and each day,

The faint heartbeat is the only thing keeping me company, 

like that cigarette pressed to your lips.

The girl who waited

She stood facing the ocean as each breeze passed the cracks in her flesh, 

each pass slowly eroding her heart.

She tried to cry out her pain, 

But only salt lines were left

tracing the path 

of her tears on her face,

She stood there yelling at the sky 

Deep down 

knowing it was all her fault for so many lies

She had regretted every word she said that day

So she waited at the edge of the cliff

Staring at the blackness of the bottom that awaits 

Was this her destiny? she contemplates.

She felt the strings tugging the back of soul 

Someone playing her like a marionette 

A puppet who did what she was told

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath

This was hard for her

She was the only one she had left

She spread out her arms and lifted her chin to the sky

She pretended she was a bird, ready to fly

But the strings pulled her back and she fell to her knees

All she could hear was the sound of the breeze,

As she turned to see who was in control

It was 

you,

The one who has her soul.