暗い山

When happiness has knocked on your door, you stumble to answer. Fear strikes every nerve in your body, when you get to the door will happiness be there on your door step? Will happiness wait? Will it accept your blunder and wait while you stretch to your full capacity to answer in time? The anxiety is resting in your fingertips again. You try to shake it off it’s not the right time. You already know what your heart will do, why does it hurt to make the choice then? After all the mountains you climbed, this one cliff is ready to make you fall. Could it be worth it to trek to the top? What happens when you get to the top and there is nothing there? What happens when you end up alone on the top of the mountain? If you take this fall off the cliff now, will there be someone to catch you if you fall? Could you save yourself the time and effort than climbing the mountain? You keep contemplating futures in your head, but none of them seem to include you both. Is that why your heart is hurting in the middle of night? Is that why your chest tightens and you expect the other to know how you feel? Is it when you feel the lump in your throat and you can’t catch your breath? You call out the empty sky, “This can’t be happening to me!” You finally thought that you deserved happiness, but the happiness you found is temporary and will be gone soon. You feel like this is what you deserve. After everything, you deserve what you get. You laugh to yourself, because you finally thought you made it out of the dark tunnel, but the tunnel just curved and put you deeper into the dark. How do you free yourself when the darkness is attaching to every thread of your body? How do you free yourself when you feel like nothing in the world could fix your heart… and most importantly… your head. You fight these demons each day. You hate the days the most when they really want to play. People keep scolding you for spacing out, for not paying attention, but your focus is on the demons creating chaos inside. You feel so down that at the point where you’re face down in the mud and you feel like you’ve had worse. How do you know if it is beneficial to keep climbing that mountain? There is no option to turn back and climb back down, it’s either to fall off the cliff or make it to the top? What do you choose? Who do you choose? How do you decide which heartache will be less painful? Which pain would you rather endure? Why is there no happy ending to this?