私は再びあなたに会うことを望みます

How can I write about pain,
when all I do is sleep all day?
How can I write about love,
when my heart is as black as night?

Solitude has been my friend for years,
and lately it has taken up residence in the empty spot on my bed,
it has comforted me,
when all I could do was clutch my stomach, curl in a ball, and cry.

I'm working again, more and more than before,
the question I keep asking myself is
how busy can I be,
while I try to ignore the shadow of doubt and insecurities
that keep following me.

I keep wondering each day, 
when my mind decides to wander,
when will the guilt and shame leave,
I keep asking why I feel so empty.

I know I'm not hungry
but I continue to tell myself to eat
my heart is hurting
and I can't breathe.

I've been down this road once before,
and I remember it wasn't a pretty sight.
It is worse this time, 
because I can compare
to those nights from the past,
when I looked up at the stars and realized
I'm so insignificant to the amount of stars
that reside in the sky.

I've walked along the top of this fence,
balancing my life on these outstretched arms,
I've always been afraid to fall,
and lately it has been so close.

I've confronted myself,
time and time again,
that I need to let go and try not to pretend,
that all that was left is a few forgotten words,
and memories that won't end.

I will continue on this path,
even though at times it seems so bleak,
eventually when I reach the end,
I will have accomplished all my dreams.

Thoughts for the day: The girl that stands before you

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I be gentler and more defined?

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life? 

Would I be happier and lovable and free from strife?

You're the boy who started to shape me,

You molded me and made me scared,

You showed me what love could be,

And I crumpled that love and tossed it in the recycling bin on the street,

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I still be broken and guarded like a prisoner in a jail cell threatening everyone with a makeshift knife?

You're the boy who splashed my life with colors and made it sparkle in front of my eyes,

You're the boy who made me feel emotions I could never comprehend,

You're the boy who helped this girl love herself for the first time.

What would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I be the childish girl leaving destruction where I please?

What would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I be this girl who is motivated to succeed?

You're the boy who waited, 

You showed me patience and what love should be,

You're the boy who loved me,

When all I wanted to do was bleed,

You're the boy who smiled and showed me what happiness could be,

And yet, I was the girl who set you free.

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would I still be the girl that you deeply loved?

Who would I be if I deleted you from my life?

Would we both be free?

You're the boy who stood before me and handed me your heart in your hands,

And I'm the girl who was so in love with pain, that I sent you on your way,

Your heart in my hands.

You're the boy who moved away and you found happiness in a girl who knew what love was and now I'm standing in the past hoping the girl I was is gone. 

You're the boy who showed me what love could be, and I'm the girl who was in love with pain, that I stood in the darkness and I let you leave. 

Who would I be if you never existed, a love that could never be, would I still be the girl I was or a girl with bigger dreams? 

Legion

I want to talk to you. I want to have in depth conversations with you. I want to laugh with you. Remember when my cheeks would hurt? I want to be that happy again. I want to feel like I'm living, not existing. I guess I grew too attached to talking about everything, now it feels more lonely than before. How can you come into my life and make yourself comfortable and now I'm afraid to even say a word. I'm in a monotonous routine again, everything seems dim. I didn't realize how much I hated myself until you stopped whatever this is. I'm holding together by pieces and it seems like everything fell apart. I'm slowly ready to say goodbye, but I'm leaving apart of me instead. Time heals all wounds, but time is against me. I feel like I found something but it slipped through my fingertips. I play scenarios in my head constantly, that you're happier without me, is that why you can't even say good morning or goodnight. It's really not going out of your way, but I guess now that I realize it is going out of YOUR way to even acknowledge that I still exist. Everyday we talked to each other, we both made the effort. You can't decide what is best for me, but I understand that you're protecting yourself too, and well I think you just gave up happiness for a heart that is empty. 

Rain on a tin roof

She grew bitter, more than she already was.
She was tired of taking chances, she was already badly burned.
She cries herself to sleep at night, hoping the insomnia will leave her be,
She hopes that the nightmares would once turn to dreams,
but she is broken, damaged,
more than before.

She contemplates those lines again,
the ones that make her feel,
she doesn't want attention,
all she wants to do is heal.

She hopes for one night,
She won't think of you,

But all it is,

Is a reminder

Like rain hitting a tin roof. 

Do spiders ever get scared of the dark?

I'm stuck in a dark corner. The light never touches the edge, it gets so close it teases, and it never leaves traces of where it's been. I try to reach out to meet it half way, I'm intrigued by the light, but I stuck in a dark corner, this is my life. 

My eyes hurt to look at it, the beautiful shine it has. I'm stuck in a dark corner, this is all I have. 

My heart begins to beat faster, faster than I've ever known, Is this what it feels like to live? I would've never known. 

I'm stuck in a dark corner, I'm sorry it's all my fault, this darkness is all I've known, I don't know how to talk.

My tears are so frequent, it's like a storm in the sea, this dark corner is all I have, just darkness and me. 

I don't know how to feel, everything is so new, I wish you would understand, the light, the light... is you. 

Perspective wins the war

When fear settles in, remember that everyone fears what they don't know, so for me please try to understand. 

Sound cubed

For once in my life, I'd like you to stay, but all I can hear is the silence of crashing waves. 

Bitter-sweet is Bitter-sweet

In a matter of time, I'll remember you like a tree remembering its golden leaves on a autumn day.

暗い山

When happiness has knocked on your door, you stumble to answer. Fear strikes every nerve in your body, when you get to the door will happiness be there on your door step? Will happiness wait? Will it accept your blunder and wait while you stretch to your full capacity to answer in time? The anxiety is resting in your fingertips again. You try to shake it off it’s not the right time. You already know what your heart will do, why does it hurt to make the choice then? After all the mountains you climbed, this one cliff is ready to make you fall. Could it be worth it to trek to the top? What happens when you get to the top and there is nothing there? What happens when you end up alone on the top of the mountain? If you take this fall off the cliff now, will there be someone to catch you if you fall? Could you save yourself the time and effort than climbing the mountain? You keep contemplating futures in your head, but none of them seem to include you both. Is that why your heart is hurting in the middle of night? Is that why your chest tightens and you expect the other to know how you feel? Is it when you feel the lump in your throat and you can’t catch your breath? You call out the empty sky, “This can’t be happening to me!” You finally thought that you deserved happiness, but the happiness you found is temporary and will be gone soon. You feel like this is what you deserve. After everything, you deserve what you get. You laugh to yourself, because you finally thought you made it out of the dark tunnel, but the tunnel just curved and put you deeper into the dark. How do you free yourself when the darkness is attaching to every thread of your body? How do you free yourself when you feel like nothing in the world could fix your heart… and most importantly… your head. You fight these demons each day. You hate the days the most when they really want to play. People keep scolding you for spacing out, for not paying attention, but your focus is on the demons creating chaos inside. You feel so down that at the point where you’re face down in the mud and you feel like you’ve had worse. How do you know if it is beneficial to keep climbing that mountain? There is no option to turn back and climb back down, it’s either to fall off the cliff or make it to the top? What do you choose? Who do you choose? How do you decide which heartache will be less painful? Which pain would you rather endure? Why is there no happy ending to this?

失敗

She is a girl who is lost.

            She smiles at the world,

                      But deep down she is nothing.

                  She is worn.

She makes up lies in her head to help her sleep in her bed,

            But the lines are red,

They've become blurred with time.

         It dries on the surface,

But she tells them she's fine.

She laughs to the world,

          But who would love a suicidal girl?

You tell her to stop, you tell her you care,

But it's wasted breath can't you tell?

She smiles to the world,

            She feels betrayed.

Of all people, you were the one who walked away.

She feels guilt in her soul,

She writhes in pain,

She feels like throwing up,

Her heart is stained.

            She cries to herself, 

                      She's being selfish again,

She's scared.

How long can she continue 

to smile at the world 

who doesn't even know she's there?

Silence will fall

This silence has become too much to bear,

While just one word you say,

Could ignite the fire to start the passion in my heart,

But the silence continues,

Each night and each day,

The faint heartbeat is the only thing keeping me company, 

like that cigarette pressed to your lips.

The girl who waited

She stood facing the ocean as each breeze passed the cracks in her flesh, 

each pass slowly eroding her heart.

She tried to cry out her pain, 

But only salt lines were left

tracing the path 

of her tears on her face,

She stood there yelling at the sky 

Deep down 

knowing it was all her fault for so many lies

She had regretted every word she said that day

So she waited at the edge of the cliff

Staring at the blackness of the bottom that awaits 

Was this her destiny? she contemplates.

She felt the strings tugging the back of soul 

Someone playing her like a marionette 

A puppet who did what she was told

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath

This was hard for her

She was the only one she had left

She spread out her arms and lifted her chin to the sky

She pretended she was a bird, ready to fly

But the strings pulled her back and she fell to her knees

All she could hear was the sound of the breeze,

As she turned to see who was in control

It was 

you,

The one who has her soul. 

Thoughts for the Day: Acceptance

Is this punishment for what I've done?
This pain that courses through my blood?

You were in my dreams again.
You stood there with you hands in your pocket looking past me at something in the distance.
As I turned around to see what was drawing your attention,
the ground beneath me began to crack.
It happened so quickly the ground began to separate to two sides.
your side and mine.
Which side was I supposed to stand on?

You took a couple steps and led me to the edge.
You smiled at me and held out your hand,
as I reached out to grab a hold
      another hand
grabbed yours instead.

My heart sunk into my chest.
As I saw
               Her
take your hand, the slower each second felt to me.

My body shook in convulsions, I forgot how to breathe.
Why did I need to breathe?
I collapsed to the floor as the ground beneath me scraped my knees.
I felt defeated.

"Why does it have to be this way?" I called out to you.
"Because, you get what you deserve."
"It was never meant to be this way," I mumbled.
"Regret will eat you alive. Forget the past. Move on." he said as he pulled Her to his side of the crack.
"Why am I not able to forgive myself?"

"You accept the love you think you deserve."

Flower Skull

I miss you.

          You miss me?

Don't you remember our moments?

We have a lot together...

Don't pretend it's weird,

Not that again, 

Think of the time when we were sitting on the couch doing a lot of jinxing,

Saying the same shit we were thinking.

           We're doing it again,

           Where we put a gun inside our 

           mouth,

           We're playing chicken with each 

           other,

           Both of us afraid to say we want      

           out.

Don't back out now,

Come a little closer,

Only you'll know it's wrong when you're older.

            For now let's call it quits before 

            my moral compass tears my 

            heart to shreds. 

Thoughts for the day: Current Survivor

First of all, you can't think of depression like a disease that you can be "cured" from. You'll always have depression there somewhere lingering around in your bones.

That's the misconception of depression, it's not just a temporary episode of sadness, sorrow, or hopelessness, but a disease that people fight all the time. 

Second, you have to pin point things that trigger some of the episodes you do have, example: recurring negative thoughts and then figure out a basis of why you keep thinking them, find common ground and take that common ground away. The way I keep from depression taking over is that I keep busy, the busier I am, the less time I have to even think bout my depression. I write a lot. That's my savior right there. The pain and the utter hopelessness seems to disappear when I let it out through my writing. There is no doubt that I am not 100% depression free, but I do my best to stay healthy. 

Alcohol is a big factor to depression, stay away from it if you can't control yourself. Moderation is key. 

Find good friends and allies that will help you through your episodes. I still have some that I need help with. You can never get out of it, but you can surely not make it a dominant part of your life, that's why methods usually fail because people think they can be "cured".

 Find something that interests you for the better and pursue it. 

Find God, he's helped me through a lot too. 

And first of all know that your are never alone. 

As many times as I feel like I'm isolated and I have no one, that's when friends remind me that I'm not. Even if you want to stay in your room, eat ice cream and cry all day, do it occasionally but don't make it a routine. You can cry once a month about one thing and then you have to do your best to let it go. 

Letting go is the hardest part, especially if the pain is tremendous. All you know is pain, so once you let it go what's left? That's the scary part, but don't let it frighten you; it is well worth it. 

Thoughts for the Day: Super Glue

She feels broken all the time,
But never realizes the world
is broken before her eyes.
She’s blinded by the shattered pieces,
The pieces, which hauntingly reflect her soul
A soul that is battered, bruised, and worn
Her heart can’t take anymore.
She thinks she is broken as broken can get,
Filled with regret.
Filled with regret.
But as each shallow breath she takes,

She continues to pick herself up each day.

Dreams=Nightmares

I would risk the day you come to me,

To not know who you are,

Than sit here and grasp my chest,

Wishing for the pain to stop. 

Never say Never

Honey,

Did you see -

That all this time you were slowly killing me,

Your words danced

along

my

skin,

I knew I-

 could never win.

Why is it

that

 late

at

night-

You’re the reason it feels so right,

And we can never tell a soul,

That’s why it’s leaving a gaping hole.

And I contemplate you everyday

About how I should be stronger and walk away,

But your words echo inside of my chest,

They consume my heart and make a mess,

 

And we both know,

I can never tell you farewell,

that is why I keep trying to ground myself,

 

I keep telling myself instead,

I will

never

love you,

that is what I will continue to chant inside of my head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Insomnia

I'm feeling alone again,

I'm feeling like a worthless piece of space,

I feel guilty,

I feel like I need a place to

         escape.

I feel betrayed by my own thoughts,

they are

          selfish

beyond compare,

but here in the nighttime

I'm

         nothing.

I'm

         bare.

I feel sick to my stomach,

I feel like I need to cry,

I want you to hold me,

wait,

which one of my

          lies?

I'm losing a battle,

I've been trying to win for so long,

I'm

        drowning

in thoughts,

My aura is pitch black and

        everything

is wrong,

Can

      you

tame my soul with a song?

Could you please hold me in your arms and let me sleep?

I'm sorry but I--

I haven't slept in weeks.

Love will not win this one

It was late in the evening. The sun had just set an hour prior to her departure. She walked to her car with her work bags in hand. She stumbled for her keys as she approached her car. She finally found the button to unlock the doors. She opened her back seat door and shoved her bags into the seat. She got in the driver’s seat, started the car, and drove home. She was sitting in silence for the entire drive. Her mind was focused on thoughts of the day. It played through her mind like a black and white picture show with no sound. All she could remember was the facial expression and body language of the people she encountered that day.

 

As she drove into her drive way, the car’s headlights moved against the house as she turned in. She was tired. She left her bags in the backseat and walked inside her home. She turned on the lights and saw papers scattered across her living room floor. It was the work from the night before. She glanced at it and walked into the kitchen. She set her keys and phone on the kitchen counter. She walked to the fridge grabbed the bottle of wine, pulled the cork from the top, and took a swig straight from the bottle. She sighed. She took the bottle with her as she walked up the stairs to her bedroom. She sat down at the edge of her queen-sized bed and she kicked off both of her shoes. She took another swig. She sat there for a couple moments trying to catch up with her own thoughts.

 

As she began to take another swig, her phone began to ring downstairs. She got up quickly and fled downstairs to the kitchen. She picked up her phone, but she was a second too late. It now showed she had a missed call. As she stared at her phone, she read the name a couple times in her head. It didn’t feel real. Why would he, of all people, be calling her this late? She put her phone down. She felt her heart beat flutter. She shook her head, trying to shake off the feeling. She turned to walk back upstairs when the phone rang again. She stopped dead in her tracks. She turned around and walked back towards the phone. She picked it up and read the name. It was him again.

 

She answered, “Hello.”

“Hey,” he replied.

“What do you want? It’s been about four years.” Her voice faltered a little. She hoped he wouldn’t notice.

“I was thinking about you, about everything that happened. I wanted to check up on you.” He said, the guilt slowly radiating from his voice.

“I’m fine. Please, don’t call me anymore. It’s-,” she was cut off.

“Listen, I know it’s been tough and you don’t want anything to do with me, but he doesn’t know that I’m calling you.” He stated.

“I don’t want to talk about him.” She said flatly.

“I can see that you’re not doing fine. Why does it hurt you so much? It was a long time ago.” He said.

“It has been a while. There are days when it is easier, but then there are those days where I dream of him. You’re his younger brother; you should understand the awful mess we both had to deal with. There are days where I am fine, but when you show up to check on me, it hurts,” her voice started to break.

“Please don’t hurt. I’ve already told you that this will be the death of you,” his tone was serious.

“You remember?” she asked.

“Don’t you? You both met that night anyway and I overheard both of you on the porch. He was harsh, but deep down you knew very well that what he said wasn’t the truth. Why, after all this mess, you still love him so?” he asked.

She paused.

“Are you there?” he asked.

“Yes-yes, I am. I’m just--,” she paused again.

“It’s a simple question. Why do you still love him so?” he asked again.

She took a deep breath and clutched on to her chest. She exhaled and said, “I love him. Why shouldn’t I? He is my everything. The question that keeps plaguing me is why, why do I continue to break myself even though we don’t want anything to do with each other? I keep trying to fill the voids, but I want him to believe me when I said I will always love him and everyone in between doesn’t matter. ”

“Ah, okay,” he had come to a realization.

“What?” she asked, the nervousness was clear in her voice.

“Anna, Listen to me. Listen to me closely. You will die, each day and each night, until you let this go. It will plague you. This is why it even haunts you in your dreams, even now, you know you must let go. Let go of the notion of love. Let go of him. You will never be happy, unless you move on.” He said.

Tears were streaming down her face as he continued to speak. She was silent.

“Anna, I care about you. I want to see you happy. He’s getting married, shouldn’t that be your clue to let go?” he asked.

“I know.” She mumbled.

“Do you know?” He asked again.

“I know,” she repeated.

“I’m not trying to be mean, but I show up when you need it. I’m trying to be your voice of reason. I’m trying to save you,” he said as sincerely as he could.

“Thank you. I suppose I just need to hear it once in a while. I’m trying. At least, I can say I’m trying to move on.” She said in a defeated voice.

“Anna. Take care, okay. Stop hoping for it to work. That dream is dead.” He said in a serious tone.

 

Before she could say anything else, the sound of a disconnected call was all she could hear. She dropped to the floor and clutched her hand to her chest. If only, she could rip out her heart. If only, she didn’t have to feel. Tears were still betraying her and falling from her chin as they traced her face. She sat on her kitchen floor for a couple moments. She felt defeated. When she slowly stopped sobbing, she wrapped her arms around herself and hummed while she lay on the kitchen floor. As time passed, she felt colder, the night air washing over her. The silence broke when the doorbell rang. She was confused. She continued to lie on the floor. The doorbell rang again. She sat up on the kitchen floor and listened again. Was that the doorbell? She thought. She wiped the snot and tears from her face with her hand. The doorbell rang twice in a row.

 

She picked herself up and walked from the kitchen through the living room, to the front door. She wiped her face as best as she could. She touched the handle, turned the door knob, and opened the door. In the entranceway, he stood facing the street. As she opened the door, he turned to face her. He smiled. Her heart began to pound like drums inside of her chest. She took a step back. She was in shock. It was him. He was right there before her. When she came to her senses, she tried to slam the door as quickly as she could, but his hand stopped her from completing the task.

 

“Wait.” He said.

She was caught off guard with the sound of his voice.

“Anna. I need to talk to you,” he said as he took a couple steps inside.

 

She was powerless. She took a couple steps back again, letting him inside of her home. He looked around curiously at first, but then turned to face her. He grabbed her by the shoulders and embraced her in a hug. She kept her arms to the sides of her body. She didn’t move.

 

“Anna, you know I can’t go back. We can’t go back. I love you, but love is not going to win this one.” He said.

           

She stood still and silent. She didn’t know what to tell him. This was it. She hated seeing him, because it made her heart hurt. He’s not here. This isn’t him. This can’t be him. She kept trying to tell herself. She pushed him back and she turned and ran up the stairs to her bedroom. After she flew through the doorway, she slammed the door shut. She clutched her chest again. Her heart was about to break free from her chest. She screamed as loud as she could.

 

“You’re not real! Leave me alone. You make my heart hurt. You make me cry,” She called out.

           

 That’s when she heard a knock coming from the bedroom door. He was on the other side. She sank to her knees and she cried. She sobbed till snot and tears were soaking the crevices of her neck.

 

“Anna. Please let me in.” He said.

“No. I can’t. Don’t you see? You haunt me in my dreams. I want to forget you. I want to forget everything about you. I don’t want to keep killing myself each day with this heartbreak.” She yelled back.

It was silent.

“I—love you,” she whispered.

It was silent again. She stood up and walked to the door. She unlocked it and pulled the door open. He was gone. Her heart fell to the pit of her stomach.

“I—love you,” She said to the empty space as she sank to the floor and cried.

 

 

Sunflower

She followed the sun as best she could. She could feed 1000 souls and sometimes more. She was a bright mind who stood tall. She was a beauty beyond compare; She was a Sunflower. 

You're still nothing but a Crow

Fly away my little crow

Blackest wings and beady eyes you ever did see

Fly away my dove-like crow

pointed beak picking at my soul

Fly away my sing-song crow

Keen claws digging deep into my flesh

Fly away my evocative crow

Fly away into the night for I wish not to see anymore of your disguise.