Love will not win this one

It was late in the evening. The sun had just set an hour prior to her departure. She walked to her car with her work bags in hand. She stumbled for her keys as she approached her car. She finally found the button to unlock the doors. She opened her back seat door and shoved her bags into the seat. She got in the driver’s seat, started the car, and drove home. She was sitting in silence for the entire drive. Her mind was focused on thoughts of the day. It played through her mind like a black and white picture show with no sound. All she could remember was the facial expression and body language of the people she encountered that day.

 

As she drove into her drive way, the car’s headlights moved against the house as she turned in. She was tired. She left her bags in the backseat and walked inside her home. She turned on the lights and saw papers scattered across her living room floor. It was the work from the night before. She glanced at it and walked into the kitchen. She set her keys and phone on the kitchen counter. She walked to the fridge grabbed the bottle of wine, pulled the cork from the top, and took a swig straight from the bottle. She sighed. She took the bottle with her as she walked up the stairs to her bedroom. She sat down at the edge of her queen-sized bed and she kicked off both of her shoes. She took another swig. She sat there for a couple moments trying to catch up with her own thoughts.

 

As she began to take another swig, her phone began to ring downstairs. She got up quickly and fled downstairs to the kitchen. She picked up her phone, but she was a second too late. It now showed she had a missed call. As she stared at her phone, she read the name a couple times in her head. It didn’t feel real. Why would he, of all people, be calling her this late? She put her phone down. She felt her heart beat flutter. She shook her head, trying to shake off the feeling. She turned to walk back upstairs when the phone rang again. She stopped dead in her tracks. She turned around and walked back towards the phone. She picked it up and read the name. It was him again.

 

She answered, “Hello.”

“Hey,” he replied.

“What do you want? It’s been about four years.” Her voice faltered a little. She hoped he wouldn’t notice.

“I was thinking about you, about everything that happened. I wanted to check up on you.” He said, the guilt slowly radiating from his voice.

“I’m fine. Please, don’t call me anymore. It’s-,” she was cut off.

“Listen, I know it’s been tough and you don’t want anything to do with me, but he doesn’t know that I’m calling you.” He stated.

“I don’t want to talk about him.” She said flatly.

“I can see that you’re not doing fine. Why does it hurt you so much? It was a long time ago.” He said.

“It has been a while. There are days when it is easier, but then there are those days where I dream of him. You’re his younger brother; you should understand the awful mess we both had to deal with. There are days where I am fine, but when you show up to check on me, it hurts,” her voice started to break.

“Please don’t hurt. I’ve already told you that this will be the death of you,” his tone was serious.

“You remember?” she asked.

“Don’t you? You both met that night anyway and I overheard both of you on the porch. He was harsh, but deep down you knew very well that what he said wasn’t the truth. Why, after all this mess, you still love him so?” he asked.

She paused.

“Are you there?” he asked.

“Yes-yes, I am. I’m just--,” she paused again.

“It’s a simple question. Why do you still love him so?” he asked again.

She took a deep breath and clutched on to her chest. She exhaled and said, “I love him. Why shouldn’t I? He is my everything. The question that keeps plaguing me is why, why do I continue to break myself even though we don’t want anything to do with each other? I keep trying to fill the voids, but I want him to believe me when I said I will always love him and everyone in between doesn’t matter. ”

“Ah, okay,” he had come to a realization.

“What?” she asked, the nervousness was clear in her voice.

“Anna, Listen to me. Listen to me closely. You will die, each day and each night, until you let this go. It will plague you. This is why it even haunts you in your dreams, even now, you know you must let go. Let go of the notion of love. Let go of him. You will never be happy, unless you move on.” He said.

Tears were streaming down her face as he continued to speak. She was silent.

“Anna, I care about you. I want to see you happy. He’s getting married, shouldn’t that be your clue to let go?” he asked.

“I know.” She mumbled.

“Do you know?” He asked again.

“I know,” she repeated.

“I’m not trying to be mean, but I show up when you need it. I’m trying to be your voice of reason. I’m trying to save you,” he said as sincerely as he could.

“Thank you. I suppose I just need to hear it once in a while. I’m trying. At least, I can say I’m trying to move on.” She said in a defeated voice.

“Anna. Take care, okay. Stop hoping for it to work. That dream is dead.” He said in a serious tone.

 

Before she could say anything else, the sound of a disconnected call was all she could hear. She dropped to the floor and clutched her hand to her chest. If only, she could rip out her heart. If only, she didn’t have to feel. Tears were still betraying her and falling from her chin as they traced her face. She sat on her kitchen floor for a couple moments. She felt defeated. When she slowly stopped sobbing, she wrapped her arms around herself and hummed while she lay on the kitchen floor. As time passed, she felt colder, the night air washing over her. The silence broke when the doorbell rang. She was confused. She continued to lie on the floor. The doorbell rang again. She sat up on the kitchen floor and listened again. Was that the doorbell? She thought. She wiped the snot and tears from her face with her hand. The doorbell rang twice in a row.

 

She picked herself up and walked from the kitchen through the living room, to the front door. She wiped her face as best as she could. She touched the handle, turned the door knob, and opened the door. In the entranceway, he stood facing the street. As she opened the door, he turned to face her. He smiled. Her heart began to pound like drums inside of her chest. She took a step back. She was in shock. It was him. He was right there before her. When she came to her senses, she tried to slam the door as quickly as she could, but his hand stopped her from completing the task.

 

“Wait.” He said.

She was caught off guard with the sound of his voice.

“Anna. I need to talk to you,” he said as he took a couple steps inside.

 

She was powerless. She took a couple steps back again, letting him inside of her home. He looked around curiously at first, but then turned to face her. He grabbed her by the shoulders and embraced her in a hug. She kept her arms to the sides of her body. She didn’t move.

 

“Anna, you know I can’t go back. We can’t go back. I love you, but love is not going to win this one.” He said.

           

She stood still and silent. She didn’t know what to tell him. This was it. She hated seeing him, because it made her heart hurt. He’s not here. This isn’t him. This can’t be him. She kept trying to tell herself. She pushed him back and she turned and ran up the stairs to her bedroom. After she flew through the doorway, she slammed the door shut. She clutched her chest again. Her heart was about to break free from her chest. She screamed as loud as she could.

 

“You’re not real! Leave me alone. You make my heart hurt. You make me cry,” She called out.

           

 That’s when she heard a knock coming from the bedroom door. He was on the other side. She sank to her knees and she cried. She sobbed till snot and tears were soaking the crevices of her neck.

 

“Anna. Please let me in.” He said.

“No. I can’t. Don’t you see? You haunt me in my dreams. I want to forget you. I want to forget everything about you. I don’t want to keep killing myself each day with this heartbreak.” She yelled back.

It was silent.

“I—love you,” she whispered.

It was silent again. She stood up and walked to the door. She unlocked it and pulled the door open. He was gone. Her heart fell to the pit of her stomach.

“I—love you,” She said to the empty space as she sank to the floor and cried.