Thoughts for the day: Dreams: Reality vs. Reality

Sometimes I have really crazy dreams. I lose track of reality. I forget that it's not real. Or is it? There has been a story playing in my mind for years now and sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm traveling into a different world? This is part three. If you haven't read part one or two. It's called The dream: Part Ichi and Part Ni. Here let’s have a listen.

I'm walking on a bridge. It's fogging outside where it feels like the middle of fall. The wind is cold but not enough to bite at my skin. I notice the waters below were calm. Everything seemed peaceful but frightening at the same time. In the distant I could see a forest of trees lining the scenery; there were no buildings or cities. I was in the middle of nowhere it seemed. I walked down from the bridge that led to a gravel path. There was a boy standing there. He looked at me once and when he registered on his face that he knew me, his eyes grew wide, scared even, and he took off running.

I screamed, "Wait!"
He didn't stop running.
I took a couple steps to run after him, but he was gone so quickly into the fog. It was no use to chase after him.

I looked around the river that cut the forest in half, there was a man on the other side, and he was waving to me. I tried to look closer, but he was too far away. His silhouette looked extremely familiar. I couldn't place him. I walked closer along the edge to see if I could get a better look. The water started to touch the toes of my shoes. I was getting too close to the water. When I looked up at the spot where the man was, he was gone. I looked along the river’s edge, but there was no sign of him. Once again, someone had disappeared into the fog. I started to finally feel the cold of the wind, because my body started to shake. I didn't need to stand here any longer so I started off in search for a house, a cabin, anything that could provide warmth.

"Morganna!" a deep toned voice called out.

I spun around and I saw the man running towards me. As he got closer, His features were clearer. His eyes were the ones that gave him away. I met him before.

"Morganna!" he called out again as he finally reached me, wrapping his arms around me. I crashed into his chest from the force of his run. I stood still I didn't move. I couldn't place him still, but I knew him.
I stood back from him, his face turned into confusion.
"Morganna?" he asked.
"I'm sorry...I... I don't know you." I said quietly.
"Yes you do. Think hard about it." He said.
I tried for a moment to recall him, but I couldn't. I had no idea who this man was.
He sighed then grabbed my shoulders, "Listen Morganna," he began, "You are in your dream."
He saw the confusion on my face. "We've already been through this. You have to remember."
I took a step back, "I'm in my dream." I said out loud. It didn't seem real.

That is when I felt a strange shock in my fingers, a jolt of electricity ran through my whole entire body. I grabbed my stomach and fell to the ground. I was screaming out in pain.
"Morganna! Don't fight it. It'll be okay." The man said rushing to my side. He held my head in his hands and started to shush me.
I was screaming so loud my vocal chords ached. The pain radiated from every joint, every muscle in my body. It was a pain worse than death. When I felt like it couldn't get any worse, the apex of the pain, that’s when bits of memories started to flood through. There was a mall. There were people. There was a woman with bony fingers. Her facial expression was angry. Then there was this man, the man that was holding me; I remembered his smile. I remember him telling the woman that she couldn't have me. I remember him telling me I was in my dream.

Everything started to click inside my mind. The pain subsided quickly as soon as I realized my past. I sat up on the ground. He looked at me and said with a smile, "It sure does hurt, doesn't it?"
I was still confused. "How did you know I was here? What was that pain? Where am I?" I asked. I had a million questions.
He laughed a little bit, "Slow your roll Morganna. We'll get to that. Right now we need to get somewhere safe. The young boy you met when you got here, he isn't on our side."
"What do you mean 'our side'?"
"There are two sides here in the dream world. The dream walkers, that's us, and the Snatchers, that's the people who want you."
"Dream wal-"
"Yes, Dream walkers."
I was trying to wrap my head around this. Was this real? Was my mind just making things up? I couldn't tell.
"C'mon lets go." He said as he grabbed my arm.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"Anywhere but where we are. The boy saw us, so that means he already let some of the snatchers know we're here."

I nodded, I couldn't form words. I followed him through the forest. It seemed like miles until we finally reached a clearing. The plants around the clearing seemed dead, like they were hanging on what little life force they had left.

"That’s strange." I said as I reached out and touched a black drooping rose.
"Don't M-" he began, but it was too late. I had touched the rose and it sliced my finger so deep blood instantly began to rush down my hand.
"I didn't know-"I said and I quickly passed out with the sight of blood.

Thoughts for the day: Dreams: Cold War.

I had a dream about you again. We were standing in the halls of the high school we went to. The lights were dim as if I was looking on to a memory I once lived. If I close my eyes now, I could still feel the lingering feeling of how I felt in that dream. The warmth and security of your presence was always enough for me. I really hate dreaming about you, because when I wake up I have to think about you. In all honesty, I would rather forget. I want to forget, but my mind will always think of you at times I am vulnerable. There is one scene that sticks inside my head.

It starts out where I am sitting in a desk at the library reading a book, but then you walk in. I'm mostly surprised, but happy at the same time. I hide my face beneath the book and I peek up at you. You catch a glimpse of me and you turn quickly enough around trying to even register on your face that you saw me, but I already knew you did. A part of my heart broke off then. I stood up from my desk and I wander after you, but you're already gone. I wander the hallway aimlessly for a couple minutes. I then stop at one of the metal doors that lead outside. There was a staircase off to the side of the doors and that is when I collapsed to the floor and cried. I sobbed till my chest hurt and my eyes burned. My heart just kept breaking. That is when I felt a hand on my shoulder, a familiar touch. I looked up slowly and I saw the regret in your eyes, but the sadness you felt because you saw my tears. You felt sorry for me, nothing more. As much as I wanted to hide my tears, they just kept escaping down my face. I was unable to look strong. You put your fingers to my tears and wiped them away. You pulled me into your chest and held me for a couple moments. You opened your mouth to speak, but the doors from outside opened. You pulled your arms back and spaced yourself away from me. We both turned our heads to see who had infiltrated our intimate moment, it was a stranger, but when I turned back to face you, you were gone. I was left with the warm feeling of your hand still lingering on my face. I felt like crying again, but I didn't I had picked myself up from the floor and made my way outside. I stumbled towards the sidewalk. The sky around me had begun to turn dark. Clouds were forming around me. Thunder began to break the sound of the wind, while the rain slowly began to fall; picking up its pace as every drop fell. I stood there for what seemed like a million moments, while my clothes began to stick to my body as they got drenched. When chills began to start shaking my body, I slowly began to move my feet. That's when I saw you again. You were walking out from the building with a pale hand clasping to yours. A piece of my heart broke off again. I watched you as you led her to a car that was waiting, your body shielding her from as much rain as your body could cover. You opened the door and helped her inside. After the door shut, you stood in the rain for a couple seconds longer. Each rain drop was soaked in by the curls of your hair. That is probably the moment you realized I was staring, because you turned towards my direction. Your eyes met mine, but I was already caught and too scared to look away. You walked towards me and held out your hand. I hesitated, but I grabbed your hand anyways. We began walking. We weren't saying a word to each other, probably, because we didn't know what to say. It was still raining, but our bodies didn't register the cold. We walked by a corner store grocery mart, where an old man with groceries was walking out. You let go of my hand and I felt anxious, but I saw you walk up to the man and help him in to his car and put his groceries in. You were such a gentleman. You walked back towards me and held out your hand again. I intertwined my fingers into yours. We kept walking. The rain slowly started to die out and the rays from the sun were fighting their way through the clouds. I smiled at you. I felt at home. When I finally realized where you were walking me, it was too late. I saw the familiar steps of my porch and the red from the bricks of my house. You had walked me home. You stopped at the door and turned towards me. My heart was chipping off slowly, it already knew. I felt the familiar feeling in my stomach of turning and twisting. You put your hand to my face and brushed me cheek. I sadly looked down at my wet shoes. You tilted up my chin and opened your mouth to speak again, but the words that came out were not what I was expecting. You said in a serious tone, too serious to be you, "It's not your fault." That is when I felt my heart completely fall in to the pit of my stomach and the words that were trying to form around my lips came out in mumbles. The tears that accompanied my mumbles gave away my feelings in an instance...

After all this time, I held on to the feeling of guilt. The reason for my guilt, was that I thought it was my fault you left, when in reality, we just grew up and drifted apart.

Thoughts for the Day: Thinking is Missing Squared.

There are points in time, where I will stop and think about you, but not in the way everyone thinks I do. I stop and think about your smile, your laugh, and your eyes, but not in the way you think I do. Sometimes, I stop and think about you when I really want to cry, but not in the way I think I do. Oh no, it is not in the way of love. It is a feeling beneath the crust of the earth, miles and miles down, to the core. The place where no one has ever explored, locked away because of the dangers, if even exposed to once. Not in the way you think where my heart beats faster than speed of sound. Not in the way where my heart leaps out of my chest. Only in the way I want to forget. I see you sometimes throughout the days, the places I know we have to share are the places where I want to hide behind my wall. Hating the feeling when I sometimes hope you'll call. For some reason, I don't think I'm strong enough to not think about you, I do at least once. I avoid the look of your eyes, because only you have seen inside my soul.Not in the way they think I do, I could never, I won't, go back to loving you. It was a battle with scars and too many drinks at the bars. I'm stronger than I was, but then I realize I'm still not strong at all. I think about you, but not in the way you want me to. I sometimes conclude that thinking is just missing and missing is a part of moving on. I'm on my journey to start anew and I sometimes love, sometimes hate, that its not with you. There are points in time where I will stop and think, but one day, someday, it won't be about you.

Steady as the Beating Drum

The one person that truly understands me isn't a friend or a stranger; he is a familiar stranger at best. There is no use trying to just be friends, especially the times when all I can remember is the love we shared. There is no use in trying to be strangers, because the way we see each other tells a different story. Oh no, at best, you can try to simply forget. There are times where you can understand me completely and then there are times where we don't speak and we both know we want to tell each other about our days, but wait, we can't come out and play. It's not about love, its about a bond we created, a friendship that was never meant to die, but the constant whispers in the wind is only hate in disguise. I just want to be there for you at your worst, because you've seen me at mine. Oh, at best, we're on the fence, which is borderlining love and hate, something called familiar strangers, but I think one of us loved too late. My dreams like to put us together. My subconscious likes to pull the stitches off of my old wounds and exposes me to the thoughts of you. It's a darkness that surrounds my nights, the moon can't compare. It's not even a fight. The clock on the wall keeps ticking away my life and I am dwelling on the past, that is not really a suprise.  You linger in my dreams, a memory that won't fade, and we both know one of us strayed. Time will tell and settle our scores. Can't you hear the drums? It's time to end this war. 

Thoughts for the day: Porcelain Mask

I see the mask you're trying to pass on as your true face,
I can see the cracks where your mouth has frowned,
and the color that's fading from your painted on guise.

I see the darkness in your eyes and the bitterness in your voice,
the age in your hands from your sorrowed remorse,
and the place in your heart where trust should be,
but deep down you know its clouded with jealousy.

Can this feeling keep you awake at night?

You can take it off in the middle of the night,
I can see the dust from your porcelain mask,
forming into piles of lies around your nightstand,
with a bottle of jack in your hand,
it is wearing thinner and thinner,
can you keep forcing it to stay with glue that's tainted with forced love?

I can see this rope of invisibility you're using to keep faith,
one that's slowly unraveling and you're trying to save face.

One reason may not be enough to keep writing a story that has been done,
and in the ending of this façade,
you will figure out you were the one who was robbed.

Is your unhappiness the one that's seeping from the cracks?
Is that the sole reason you can't keep track?

I see the mask you're wearing where everyone is pretending to believe it is your true self,
but I know the pain and sorrow you can't reveal,
so you're stuffing it in a bottle and hiding it on a shelf.

When you figure out that your happiness is better than a mask for everyone to believe,
you honey,
you're the one whose fooling yourself more than anybody.

Thoughts for the day: Crazy Cat Lady

I guess I'm going through that sad, depressing phase again. It'll get worse as  the holidays come closer. It'll be a year that my life kind of fell apart. Is that the root of my sadness? I'm trying really hard to move on, to fix myself, it's not really helping. I lay awake at night and sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I can't help it. I just feel like crying will help me not just lose myself. I wish I could build the courage to move towns, to just get the hell out of here. Dreams. That's all they are. I keep pushing people away and I really just want to be alone. I want to be by myself because nothing really makes me semi-happy anymore. I really lost interest in myself. Sometimes, I feel if I look in the mirror, maybe just maybe, I'll like who I see. I keep denying myself happiness and I can't really help it it's all I've known for so long. Where is my life going? Where is it supposed to be going? If someone could answers those questions then maybe we wouldn't ever feel like this. Sorry, I'm just being naive. I'm about to hurt you. I'm about to crush your feelings in the palms of my hands, I can't keep dragging you along when I'm the root to my own unhappiness. 

I live in this giant space made for two people, maybe even a small family, and all that's in it is me. Well do my two cats count? I'm pretty sure I sound like the person to turn into a crazy cat lady. Just my luck. 

I feel that in life I'm supposed to be working for something better; I'm here for something better. I just can't figure out what that is. I've always had this crazy notion in my head that a full life would be with a family and a husband who loves you, but then I thought about the people that never achieve that. Do they think their life is just as fulfilled as the others? Maybe I should just stop comparing things. 

I want to say goodbye to you. I want to hide in my shell. I want to be by myself, because in the end that's where I think I'll be. The crazy cat lady with nobody. 

Thoughts for the day: Life complaints

There's a point in time where you end up eating ramen noodles while trying to make your way through college. Is it sad that sometimes you can't even afford ramen noodles. It's a tough game life plays and it makes you wonder if it's worth it in the end. You know I'm not eating ramen noodles for nothing, it'll be worth it. I just have to keep pushing  ahead and hoping that it'll get better.

You know those inexpected life lessons you're supposed to learn, well it's never buy something really expensive unless you know your car is not going to break. I mean seriously two days after I buy a kindle and I use it. My car decided a to go splat! I bought parts for it (what I had put aside for grocery money) now goes to fixing my car that's going to stay broken anyways. Sigh. Sometimes life can be a real bitch. Oh let's not forget the school books I still need to buy but oh wait that's right, they don't give you your financial aid money for the books until like three weeks after you need them . Is it me or do they just want us to completely fail? 

I'm just going to keep chanting to myself, "you got this. You got this." And hope I don't cry. 

Thoughts for the day: Demon in the Night

There has been a lot going on lately. Life seems to keep getting in the way. If it's not one thing it’s another.

 Sometimes I wish life would slow down, so I can at least catch up. 

It’s a strenuous task, but I have lived to know to not give up. I work hard for what I want. I keep trying and trying and I see that there is no break.

 Life doesn't give you a break.

 Times are tough and are an emotional roller coaster ride. When to give in or when to give up? Those thoughts can play in my head for days. 

“Smile upon the way she sings, 

laugh like the wind beneath the leaves, yet, the moon revolves around the earth, she dreams to meet the sun, 

to never meet is the destiny, 

lovers never meant to be swayed, 

upon each other’s beauty they have laid, for time and time again to be bold, 

so all the other stories could be told. 

Can you empathize in the middle of the night? 

The tears will stream down your face; can you feel the loneliness of the soft embrace of a couple silver light rays?

 

Your heart aches in the cold of the day, 

the warmth the world tries to persuade to you can only be so much, 

until the nails start to fall, 

each of your memories stapled to the walls begin to crumble, 

tumble,

descend, 

your heart knows it's time for an end.

Beyond the hopes you carry, 

the burden to be loved is still attached to the heart, 

rotting with the fear of being rejected,

containing the sickening remorse of trying to love, 

a fragile heart and a fragile mind,

factitious feelings that in your soul lie. 

Future’s time is future’s will; to go beyond the shallow point of the soul is to overcome someone’s grief, the pain, the suffering. 

Take a step down to meet at the crossroads, sell each other’s soul, and fall in love. 

A price has been paid for a free ride, 

but let your lover know; Love is a demon in disguise.”

Thoughts for the day: Spanish Class (Continued)

Since that day, I had talked to my friend Giselle about him. She sat right next to me and we passed notes back and forth like the good old middle school days.
 "Just go talk to him," one of the notes read.
 I wrote back, "No, I can't! I would look all stupid and he'll think I'm weird!"
"Just go do it."
"What do I ask? Hows the weather?"
"Stop being a smart ass and go over there before I straight up tell him you want him."
"Haha not want him. Fine! Give me a sec."

We stopped passing notes. That day I chickened out. The next couple of days went on like that too. I just didn't have enough courage to actually bring myself up to talk to him. I felt like a little girl.
I would bump into him a couple times in the hall and smile and keep walking. My heart felt like it was about to take a leap and nose dive into the floor.

There was one time where I had devised a survey, I'm not sure what it was about, but I had asked everyone in the room what they thought.
 I was going to skip him, because I was a chicken, but he turned to me and asked, "Aren't you going to ask me?"
 I laughed a little bit and said, "Oh, no.. uh, here."
He then pointed to one of the answers and I said, "Oh okay, I got you down."
I hurried back to my seat and I turned to Giselle and said, "Look! I finally did it!"
She frowned.
"What?" I asked.
"You didn't really talk to him, so it doesn't count."
"Yes it does, I said more than one sentence."
She shook her head, "Nope. Doesn't. Count."
I groaned and said, "Fine. You win, it doesn't count."

A couple times when we had group assignments I would talk to him, but he didn't notice me. I was being too subtle. When we finally started talking, it was quite awkward at first. I guess he was just as awkward as I was. That was a major plus. It was like the universe said, "Here you go, someone who can be just as silly and awkward as you." The time it took me to muster up the courage was quite insane, but I had finally talked to him.

Thoughts for the day: Spanish Class (Mi Amor)

I've been thinking lately about you. You've been running through my dreams again. Every time I see you in my dreams I can't help but cry. I cry so hard that my chest tightens and I can't breathe. I wake up every time with tears on my pillow. There was this hope for a while that you would come back and we would leave off from where we were. I wish I could have done things differently. Was this all my fault? I'm pretty sure it was. It was my selfishness that led me away from you, into the arms of an emotional train and now I'm standing on the side-walk in the middle of the rain. I see you smile a genuine smile and it saddens me to know I'm not the reason. I was the reason for your pain. I guess it's my turn now to play the waiting game. Is this how you felt when you waited for me? I was surprised that there was this wonderful person waiting for me. I apologize to you. I want to just cry so hard and tell  you about my life, I want to break down, but I would only break down for you. How hopeless this sounds. How hopeless this situation is, but yet I am still smack dab in the center of it all.

I guess that isn't where I should begin. I guess let me take it back to the beginning and maybe you'll understand how I feel.

It was my Sophomore year in high school, let me just say, I wasn't fully aware of what being a girl was like. I had just strolled into myself and "Black" was the only thing I felt comfortable in. I wore my hair into pony tails most of the time, because it was so long that I didn't want to actually try to fix my hair. I wore clothes that were a couple sizes too big for me. That's saying a lot because I was really skinny, not to the point of anorexic, but the normal high school kid skinny. I wore safety-pins in my ears and I thought of myself as "goth", but I'm pretty sure I was just a pretty-girl trying to cover myself in black, because that is how I saw myself. On the first week or so of the second semester, I had chosen to take Spanish 2, not by choice of course, but because it was a requirement. That was the day that I had met him. Let me just say, the way the movies does slow motion when you first meet someone who catches your eyes, well, that was exactly how this moment was. I walked into the classroom that was decked out in Spanish sombreros, posters with the verbs "ser" and so on, and other Spanish related things plastered to the walls. I went across the room to the far side of the desks with built in chairs on them and that is when he walked in. He came in to the room in a nonchalant walk like he didn't expect for anyone to be staring him down as he entered. He sat across the room from me, one desk to the left. The way the desks were set up was that there was a great path in the center and the desks facing each others, which in my case I had a great view of the door. He sat down and caught a glimpse of me, but I had played it off rather well. He sat there in a red shirt with a fedora hat on top of his, medium-length, curly hair. He was the center of my attention and that is when I loved Spanish Class.

TBC...

Thoughts for the Day: Pick Your Battles.

There is a point in life when you have to let go people you love. It's a hard time to take in and , well,  it's just a hard thing to do. I'm sure there are times in a persons life where the thing you have to do  is the thing you've been avoiding for so long, but in all honesty, its easier to deal with things now rather than later. I've been avoiding the inevitable and its slowly nicking at my heels. It's catching up with me and I can feel the consequences breathing down my back.

I'm sure the rain will wash away this tension, but the sun will bring the heat back down to play.

I'm sure I should stand my ground more, but honestly, I could care less what other people think or do. Its a childish game you're playing and all I'm going to do is spectate. You may have a good head on your shoulders, but you have a cold heart. This is the time to grow up and put things away and Pick your Battles.I'm sure everyone is tired of picking what side to be on. I'm sure I can help pick sides for them if they want, because I'm on my way out the door and I hope they don't get frazzled with a fight that isn't a fight.

Anyways,
The real goal here is to learn to pick your battles. My mother always told me this. I now know she was 100 percent right. It's all about what is important in life and , well honey, this is about much attention as you're going to get.

Take a seat and enjoy the ride, because once you step off, you'll lose your thrill.

I'm too tired to play and sure as hell not childish enough to stoop to your level.

If you want out, then there's the door, I'll even help you get your things, because once we're both apart, it'll be bliss for me.

Thoughts for the day: Stop and Smell The Roses

Stress.

That's one word that can do a lot of damage.

It shuts down your immune system and messes with your hormone levels. Its a tricky word.

I didn't think my stresses in life were bad. I thought that it was normal to feel that life could be completely out of my control. That wasn't the right idea. Life is how you make it.

I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror again today. The bags under my eyes were worse than I thought. The color in my face had faded. My hair even seemed frizzy with the lack of hydration my body was receiving.

Ive been stressed to the point where passing out in the bathroom was my only option. It was the scariest thing I've experienced. I laugh about it now with other people, but in all honesty, I was scared.

It has got me to the point of I needing a vacation or my health could completely suffer.

Why is stress this important?

I'm not stopping to look at and smell the roses. I'm just working life in big lumps in my hands trying to keep a hold of grains of sand. Its impossible. When you are defeated and you keep letting all the stresses rest on your shoulders, you know where that gets you? Some really sore shoulders.

I have some good friends who keep telling me to keep my chin up and that's what I'm going to do. I won't let the stresses of my life control it. I'm going to control my life.

I got this.
 :) <3

Thoughts for the day: I just want someone to understand me.

I'm Morganna. I cry a lot. I yell and I always think that I am right. I'm incredibly stubborn and I like to be dramatic. I feel like I'm a person no one can really understand. I feel like all of my friends don't really like me much. I feel like a loser and a joke. I do stupid things that I can't take back and I hurt people I think might actually care about me. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens. I feel like a rotten person. I hate who I am. Why can't I change me?

I've been wanting to leave this place, not like death or anything, but leave as in move towns. Can't I just leave? Would that be considered running away?

I feel like a lost soul just drifting and drifting. I'll never find my cause. I'll never find my love. It's a disappointment I've already accepted.

"You're so young." I feel like an old soul.

Can't my heart just grow cold already. It'll be better than feeling anything.

I pretend that nothing phases me, that I'm stronger on the outside than I am in the inside. Its just that it hurts knowing the people you count on aren't really there for you.

I hate trusting people. Why is it that people only back stab you in the end?

I guess I'll call it a night. I just want someone to understand me.

Thoughts for the day: Dream walking

I was in another life last night. I had the choice to stay and have the magic I always wanted. 

At first I wasn't conscience of it at first and I was going through these motions, but there were people after me again. I didn't have Kelsee as my best friend. One of my arch enemies was my lover. I was going to a wedding of someone that was dead but was alive in this reality. I almost got arrested for walking around late at night because in this world they had a curfew. Some of my friends had kids and when I saw them I couldn't take them seriously. When my so-called friends finally realized it wasn't me they took me to this nice apartment loft which had a spectacular view of the city. I saw chalk and what was beginning of a power circle, I walked over to the table and began to finish drawing it. The girls around me, which apparently were my best friends grabbed my hands and helped me call the forces which had helped me get here in the first place. 

I called out, "Oh magical ancestors of each of us, the magic that flows through are veins, do you hear us?"

And the fireplace in the den roared.

 "I have figured that I am in another world because of the existence of magic, is that right?" 

Nothing. 

"If I wanted to stay could I stay here? I felt like I belonged."

 The fire flickered and displayed words onto the wall it said, "What if things like even your parents have changed? Your friends? Your lover?"

I called out, "I don't care! Let me stay here! Ill keep my mouth shut!"

The fire flickered again, "If you can accomplish the task of seeing yourself and staying then indeed we will let you stay." Then the fire died.

One of my friends let go of our hands.

I took a deep breath. It took a lot of energy.

The only thing I could wrap around my head was that I was magical. In my other world I could meditate until I passed out and nothing, there was no trace of magic, but here I could do what I always wanted.

I stood in front of the window and I closed my eyes. I thought about weighing nothing, floating, flying.

I can do this I thought. I looked up at the ceiling and I bent my knees and I jumped and when I thought I was about to land back down on the ground I was holding onto the ceiling rafters. I laughed and thought that this was incredible. I made myself stand back on the ground. My friends laughed a little too to see how much I was amused. 

Then one of my friends asked, "Sorry but we have to go find you." 

And I stopped in my tracks, she was right. In order to stay here I needed to find myself. I asked where do we start? And they didn't have any answers. Oh wait I had magic! I went outside to the front yard and I sat in the dirt to connect to nature, I closed my eyes again and I started to feel for myself somewhere in this world. I felt spirits but I knew it wasn't mine. That's when I saw the faint glow of orange in the background. I followed it closer and that's when I noticed I was walking myself into a hospital room. People were crying. Wait was that my mother? My actual mother? And that's when I noticed it. I was the one laying in the bed, tubes were forced down my throat and threw my nose. Is that me? I thought. 

"She didn't wake up." I heard my mom telling someone.

 I gasped. I didn't wake up? That's what they meant. If I can stay after seeing this, what I'd become in my world, I could stay. I looked at myself and then my mom again. She couldn't see me and I realized now that I was my spirit looking back on myself, I wasn't meant to die in my dreams. I was in a dream. I shook my head and knew I couldn't stay here. That's when the friends I had in this reality said, "Morganna don't be afraid. You'll come back when you're ready." I nodded my head and I looked back at myself and I closed my eyes and touched my face and I thought about my heart beat. I thought about my skin. 

"Oh ancestors I can't accept your offer. Forgive my stubbornness. I take with me this adventure. Let me into my body, let me wake up."

 That's when an electric shock went through my hands to my body. That was when I woke up in my bed. I was back in the world I belonged in. I was physically exhausted. This dream walking had used up most of my mental energy. What would have happened if I chose to stay? I guess the good thing is that I'll never know. 

Thoughts for the day: This smile isn't fake

I haven't felt like this in a while. I can't stop smiling and laughing. It's a feeling I thought was forgotten. My heart is over whelmed and I feel like I'm going to screw things up. I feel like this is too good too be true. I think too much and I'm trying not to. My heart is happy and I am happy but there are negative feelings that keep forcing me to hide. I could be myself 100% but I don't think that's the side you want to see. Am I scared or is this not where I'm supposed to be. I kind of want to say love and I feel it slither along my lips but I hold back. I cannot let the words slip out not yet, it's too soon. But honestly that's how I feel when I'm with you. You make me smile and it's not about our needs and wants its about how our hearts feel. Is it also that I'm scared you'll fuck me over like the last one did to me. I care too much and now that I'm being selfish and screwing over people in the process I've finally have got what I wanted but was it wrong in every sense of the word? People claim what they deserve and well I think I deserve a great person like you. Sometimes I feel we have nothing in common and she fits your perfectly is that also my insecurity? I'm scared to feel and I'm scared to show any emotion, but ill fight. Come closer a little step at a time and we'll start over, we've got time. 

Thoughts for the day: cleanse your soul

Did you know that back in the day Indians would self mutilate, so that they could release the demons that were inside them. It helped cleanse their soul. 

Maybe with this logic, my soul can be cleansed. I want to be clean.

No matter how much I try, I'll always feel dirty. Ill always feel cheap. I obtained this in every wrong sense of the word. Do I feel better at night? No. 

Sure these words hurt, but deep down I know I'll never have any real friends, ill always screw things up. 

That's when I'll run away. Can I just run away? 

Take me away from here. I just want to leave and never reutrn.

Can you promise me that?

Thoughts for the day: Revelation

Our lives are one long string that got tangled and now you think you're at the end, but the story is still incomplete. You've told me time and time again, you want nothing more to just be, but exist, only exist with me.

There are times where arguing only seems to get us so far, but can you see we were only playing our part. We grew up and we only grew apart. Why is it that life works in such mysterious ways? Can't you see  the hand I'm reaching out to you, I'm going to bear the weight of it all. We'll tackle the world and become one with ourselves. Just let our love take control, it's more than just letting go.

We aim to please, but we're just hurting ourselves. People who get caught in-between only lose themselves. We need to focus on the present and forget the things we've seen. Nothing would ever break unless you were loving me. Only loving me.

Time only heals the wounds we've made, but there wouldn't be any wounds if you just let me in. I'd bandage up your heart and heal your soul, I wouldn't let go. The lord only knows what is deep in my heart, but I'd like to show you this, it could be the start of something new.

You're scared just as much as I am. The "what ifs" keep dancing in your head, but it is a show your mind displays to give your heart a break. I have my arms wide open, enough to let you in where your heart would feel my heart, and just then you know how it ends. You'd abandon all regrets and hold on to this love. Its something new to you, and you'd know you couldn't get enough.

Thoughts for the day: My heart is Black

I feel like my soul needs to throw up. I feel like my head needs to stop thinking and let me just go on with life without the constant reminder that it wasn't me. I want the strength to keep going forward. To keep living. I hate the feeling that I need to cry just to feel better, I remember when my tears were for laughing too hard. I hate the pain. I hate it. There is that empty space, the space I can't fill. No matter how hard I try its never enough. I feel the insides of me shaking in desperation, the ache of the hollowness is eating at my soul.  Is that why I feel that my soul needs to throw up. It's trying to get rid of the unnecessary pain I'm holding on to. I feel like I'm broken. I feel ugly, abandoned, hopeless. Not ugly as in the sense of physical features but the fact that I feel ugly about how I don't feel happy. Where is this happiness at? I fell into a pit again, but I feel like as much as I keep digging myself out people keep throwing things down onto me where I fall and I have to start over again. I've been wanting to move towns, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm just trying to run away. I want to be somewhere with you. I want to forget the things we once knew. I want to stop holding on to all the guilt. Why do I feel guilty? I feel like it was all my fault, but I can't control the things I cant change. It just hurts my heart. My heart has been hurting... No one can save me. I feel lost. I was going to buckle today, but I haven't so far. I'm trying to have control, let go. Just let go. God gives you what you can handle and well, I'm not sure if he accidently messed up with me. I don't feel like I can handle this at all. Tonight I'll look down to the bottle of the glass, someone save me. Save me. Take me away from this pain for tonight.

Thoughts for the day: Let me share your burden of the world

Things have been different lately and all I can do right now is sit down and analyze my life. There are times where I thought it was supposed to be me and you. It was always supposed to be us, you know that too. I guess for now we'll leave it in the bedroom. You have the weight of the world weighing down on your shoulders and there was a point in time where some of the weight was mine. I had your back, well, I have your back, no matter how many things keep getting in between. I told you I was going to be there for you through thick and thin and well darling, here I still am. I want you to do this. I want you to be there for them and I'll do everything in my power to help, I feel like I owe you just that. I think in my head right now I have it planned out but as you well know nothing ever goes according to plan. I'm sure I can help you through a lot of things I can be there for you, you just have to let me in.

-Psalm 119:28: "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word."

Thoughts for the day: Let us wear white

Our futures were supposed to end with the white gown and tux, don't you remember what you said when we were laughing together on the floor of my bedroom. Right now we're just stuck. I'm pretty sure we messed things up when I let you go and you gave up. But darling don't you see that the things don't matter, nothing that's in-between. I thought time would give us enough time to figure things out but we're not anywhere; we're at square one. "Let me think about this" you said, but I can't remember any times where thinking was any good, don't you? C'mon let us forget the things around us and focus about our hearts; the ones that are dangling out on a line, where birds keep picking pieces of them off each time. We're now only hanging by the seams. Oh darling, let this be true. Let this be it. Can't we finally just run away or maybe, if we're lucky, we can just stay. It was always meant this way. Don't pretend to think that this is it, because the empty feeling you get at night won't go away, it won't. I've tried. I could say in the least just be honest, let me know if I've finally lost the battle. I thought we were at a standstill and we'd wave our white flags and meet up in the middle and count the losses it took to be where we're at, the glory would both be ours. I've been waiting for so long and I'd continue to wait, can't you tell? Let's just wave our white flags, we can just leave it at that.

Thoughts for the day: Hopefully, this pans out.

It's been a rough couple of days. Things continue to disappoint but I'm not holding on to that. I keep my head held up high and I look all of my problems straight in the face.

Have you thought about me the way you used to? Everyone keeps telling me about your life and how great it is, I'm happy for you. But we have this selfish love, where I'm not happy cause you're happy but I'm happy that you're happy, more than I am.

This life feels like it keeps getting longer and there is a way of never knowing. I keep trying. I keep trying. There is that point where you want to give up, but then that's when you know that's the end. There isn't a possibility left. I could never say goodbye to you forever, is that my downfall? I'm sure it is.

There are sometimes where I want to ask if you remember what it was like when your body was next to mine. When your lips were on my skin. When your eyes showered me with affection. It was good memories, but in all honesty with all thats happened I wouldn't like to live them again. I want to start anew.

I feel like if I keep running I won't get anywhere. I'm going to start fighting my own battles and continue to believe in all the things that I love.

"If I said, "I Love you." would you say it too? Just like you used to or, even better, to start anew?"

Thoughts for the day: Times are changing (I'll have a seat)

Oh wait please don't go. I've got a lot to tell, doesn't it show?
These faces around me on the streets,
are nothing to compare to you.

These cigarettes by night have been my solitude,
these hidden drinks I hide, can you smell it on my breath,
I'm trying too.
You say you are happy when your heart feels that way,
but I can't help but think you're lying, because my heart is grey.
I'm in the in-between where happy and sadness meet,
I'm at the edge of a cliff where even if I fall,
the words you've said to me just echo off the walls.

These nights keep rolling by,
and when you lay next to her do you feel at home?
more than you felt when you were with me?

Keep playing house but one day you'll know that as much as you pretend you already know,
cook and clean and laugh and play,
but the times you lay awake thinking of me,
can you picture me laughing?
Picture me free.

These words we say to each other I feel like we've said too much or not enough?
I feel as if we keep forcing things to go our way,
but as you know its too hard and tedious to cheat the lottery,
nothing will go our way,
let me put these drinks away.

The lights in this city are starting to die out,
maybe its finally time to move towns,
these people are changing,
and I feel like I'm stuck in the past trying to make things stay the same,
I'm in the old fashioned way of thinking,
is that why nothing is going anywhere?
I'm trying to keep things the same when all you are doing is trying to tell me you've changed.

These goodbyes we keep saying,
these words we keep forcing ourselves to say,
I'm losing hope and faith,
and you lost it long ago, I should have known.

I should have known.

Can we just say goodbye this time?
like grown adults,
we can have a sip of whiskey and coke,
we can talk it out or not at all,
we can let the clothes fall,
and our bodies talk,
Let us just say goodbye,
no regrets, no words, nothing more than knowing why it hurts.

Thoughts for the day: Fool for life

You're late again.
Don't you pretend that I can't see all the lies you've sold.
It 2 am and you don't respond, I guess I should understand that you're not alone.
I can't help but notice that  I'm the love you wish you had, the love you want when its just you inside your head.

I can't help but think of the good memories that we had and that keeps me a float for a while. I think I'm waiting for something that isn't going to happen and that is the down fall of my life. I can't help but think that I'm the emotional mess you seek, something to keep your mind fixated on; to help your life be filled with meaning. You say you can't help but think of me, well, I think of you too. Look at us though, no one has a fucking clue. I'm naive to think that you'd be waiting for me like  you said. Its been a couple months, maybe years and you have brought on all of my fears. I can't help but think I'm wasting my time, when you are out laughing and having a great time.

I'm sorry I waited around this long.

I keep thinking that when the day comes and you are in my arms for the first time that you'll know that it was supposed to be me and you. I'm trying to tell myself this isn't the way it is supposed to be, our life is nothing like the movies.

You used to tell me you loved me and now I can't help but think its the regurgitated words that you use too much. It makes me sick, nauseous, like I want to throw up. I'm figuring out my life and there are so many other options, why the hell do I keep giving you chance after chance?

I keep telling myself that it is okay because it is YOU. You have so many holds over me I can't help but buckle every single time. I'm sorry, but c'mon, I have to say goodbye, but don't worry I won't remember you after a few drinks.

Its times like these where I tell myself to grow up, nobody has time for this.

Thoughts for the day: Sometime I'll tell you (Sometime I'll know you)

Maybe I'll tell you sometime.
And that time you'll know that its not about the late night calls or texts.
Its not even about the sex.
Maybe sometime I'll tell you.
Maybe sometime I'll know you.

Its late and it's cold. The night seems to know what is in store.
Do you see me waiting under the light?
I bet you won't take a second glance or a second chance.
This is the end of the story of the one we've been trying to tell for so long.
I toss and turn in the middle of my dreams, I can't help but move, I've lost so much sleep.
I can't help but whisper when I am with you, only because, no one has a clue.

Maybe I'll tell you sometime.
And that time you'll know that its not about the late night calls or texts.
Its not even about the sex.
Maybe sometime I'll tell you.
Maybe sometime I'll know you.


I've dug up those old notes and pictures.
I laugh and frown at the same time.
You even can't remember the things you've said back then.
Oh, how long ago it seems.
I'm drowning in my own sin, Can you see it too?
Is that why you've forgotten the things you once knew?

Maybe I'll tell you sometime.
And that time you'll know that its not about the late night calls or texts.
Its not even about the sex.
Maybe sometime I'll tell you.
Maybe sometime I'll know you.

We've talked about the days when we'll see each other again,
I don't even know where to begin.
You say the things will happen just right,
the touch of skin,
the blanket of the night
I'm pretty sure this wasn't supposed to be like this too.
Maybe sometime I'll finally know you.

Maybe I'll tell you sometime.
And that time you'll know that its not about the late night calls or texts.
Its not even about the sex.
Maybe sometime I'll tell you.
Maybe sometime I'll know you.

Maybe sometime I'll tell you, Maybe sometime I'll know you too.
Ooh, maybe sometime I'll know you....

Thoughts for the day: The night holds all secrets

"I feel like I've lost some part of myself. The part where morals and everything just sort of seems to slip away. Is this where I want to be?"

This bed seems bigger than it was when I was little, probably because when I was a child loneliness wasn't even in my vocabulary. That's the thing about growing up is that everything you once thought you knew is re-introduced to you with your knew fresh adult mind. I remember when my bed was the safest place I could be, especially when the darkness would scare me. Now? Now this bed is the last thing where I want to be at night.

Do you see the times where I comepletely fall back on my word?

This goodbye was more like a see ya later and deep down you know that too.

When that night comes and I'm waiting in my night gown and this is the day you're only in town, I hope you know, I'll be waiting. I'll be waiting like I said I would. Those late night calls and texts we've sent, We both know we aren't done yet.

I'll be pretending to sleep but I hope you'll be waiting for me too. The night that both of us can just be and I hope you realize that too.

The music we send confesses our love when plains words are forbidden. We find a way to prove each day, that we are on each others minds.

Until that night comes, I'll be waiting in my thoughts for you.

Thoughts for the day: Everyone in-between doesn't matter

He screams and screams. She yells and yells.
Both are deaf, can't you tell?
They keep arguing til they both can't breathe and yet not one of them can remember anything.
It's been six years where words aren't enough, but he think things would be fixed if they touched.
They've been waiting for the boom-box romance, the kind you want when you're a kid, but they're too scared to admit it.
He hasn't noticed that even as time goes by they're still doing everything to keep each others eyes.
He has his.
She has hers.
Deep down they want to share everything and time, but he is gone. She is here.
Distance doesn't break anyone only fear.
He is scared.
He is alone.
She's not the reminder of love, she's the love you're trying to give to someone else. Even as their lives keep diverging into two distinct paths she's willing to jump of course for him, but I think that is what makes her the fool.
The best kind of inspiration is love and the love she has for him will keep her inspired for a lifetime.
 It's been six years and they still act like kids that don't know what they want.




"Everyone in-between doesn't matter. 'You promise?' 'I Promise.'"

Thoughts for the day: I just want it to be a dream.

You buckle and then I buckle. Haven't I already said that we always run back to each other. Our lives are too great you said but there is this part where you have to hit send and well that it just because we want to share our greatness with each other. There is that tiny part of you that thinks of me and that part of me where I think of you. Is this healthy? You even said you get mad at me for the things you do too and well it is mutual on both sides because, well, I do the same thing too. You said to me, "You always hurt the ones you love most." Why is that? Why can't we just love each other and just let everything fall into place like it should?

"There was this girl and she wore a sun dress and a sun hat and these cute shoes that she couldn't really stand in. She had black hair and brown eyes and her smile, well, it was incredible. She had been wandering around this amusement park with her family, but she was looking for someone. She was looking at each faces as they passed by, but none of the faces was the one she was looking for. The sun was at the very top of the sky shining down on this day, the light around her was magnificent and that's when she saw him. he was wearing a white shirt and some really nice jeans, but that's not what she noticed first. It was the way he looked at her. His smile was so wide and his eyes were locked on to her. She hadn't noticed that she was walking towards him. He began striding towards her also. When they meet they didn't say a word. They didn't even touch one another. The began to walk together side by side. She wondered if she should hug him like she wanted to or to grab his hand like she wanted to, but something inside her stopped her from doing so. They found a bench that overlooked a small yard of grass in the center of the amusement park and they both sat down. She looked at him and kept her head low. She was as shy as anyone could have been. She sneaked a peek at him from underneath her hair and he was looking up at the sky. She leaned back and looked up. The sky was a gorgeous light blue, the kind of blue you use when you draw the sky with crayons or markers. The clouds were just as magnificent, they looked like giant cotton ball marshmallows. She smiled and closed her eyes.It felt like time had slipped away and that they had been sitting there for hours, but it was only for a couple minutes. She took a peek at him again and he was looking at her and smiling. She looked at his hand and without thinking grabbed his hand into hers. They sat there for a couple more minutes. The sky started to get dark and the clouds turned gray. It looked like rain. They both looked at each other and just knew to find a way inside out of the rain. They stood up and began to walk to the building across the way. As soon as they got into the center of the yard of grass, it began to pour. They got drenched quickly, but they had stopped and looked at each other. They began to laugh. This laugh was so joyful and lovable that it was an amazing moment to just soak in. She took off her shoes and spread her arms wide open and began to spin in the rain. He just watched her carefully. After a few more spins, he reached out and grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him. He cupped her face into his hands and looked into her eyes. They both smiled. He leaned in and kissed her and that's when music started to play. It was an instrumental  piece that just captured the moment so well. They laughed a little. A few seconds later every light in the park turned on and  the colors of the rides were the background of their love. They kissed again. He reached out his hand and they began to dance to the music. That's when someone else captured his eyes and he put out his hand that motioned stop and he ran after whoever was leaving. She stood in the rain with the music playing with the lights shining and all she could do was laugh. She laughed that she thought this would be the day, the day she thought she had been saved."

Thoughts for the day:Anything is Progress

Today I looked at the clock and for the first time I didn't see that time was passing me by. That feeling I can't really describe, but it was incredible. I had a smile spread across my face and no matter anything, it stayed on my face. I can't help but scream out loud but not in fear or anger, but relief that I'm slowly but surely being free. Free from what? Free from the fear and the sadness that had been holding me back. It is times like these where I am glad I have these friends in my life. I'm amazed at what a simple smile or comment can do to make someones day so much better. Today I am so grateful to be here, even if its somewhere I may not like to be, but I am here doing what I can to make it better. I'll take what I can get.

I said I have been working towards my goals and I'm getting everything back on track; it is such an amazing feeling to know that even though its slowly showing signs of achievment, I can say that I'm getting there. That is more than I can say that I've been doing in a while.

"There are three kinds of love. A love you can get over in two months, a good love you can get over in 2 years, and great love well... great love changes your life."
- a movie

Thoughts for the day: The Lyrics of my life to your song it plays

"The Best Pessimist - I Just Want To Be Your Everything"
The music you should read this to. I have no idea why, but its awesome.




My hands want to move, they want to enclose this space, but these words are the only things left while your mind is somewhere else.
Don't you know your heart is with me?
This glass is half full, you would like to say it would never be full again, but this I swear is not the end.
Take this chance and look deep within your soul many of your thoughts just make you grow old.
Cant you see that this is where we need to be?
Calm your soul, close your eyes, and just kiss my lips, don't say goodbye, cry out in pain if you want, scream to the gods, this is where we need to get through everything.
Go ahead and take my hand close this gap and fill our touch with a sweet embrace this is where we were meant to stay.

Thoughts for the day: Think of me

Times like these are where I want to see how you're doing? If you had a good day. I want you to come over and snuggle and watch a movie with me and tell me it's going to be okay. I want to laugh til I can't breathe and I want to sing when I'm showering but most of all I want your company. I want to be lazy with you and productive too. I want to see the sides no one gets to see. I want to be there for you and you'll be there for me, but most of all I want your company.

It's late at night and we haven't spoken in months but out of nowhere you message me. Now I try not to cry or wonder why, but I'm sure you're thinking of me too. When we lay awake at night are we thinking of each other or am I the name you see at the bottom of that glass in your hand?

You wish me well and I can tell by this late night text you are, but right now a few words don't mean much because you are really far. At least I know that from time to time my name is the one on your mind.

But I'll take this moment, take a deep breathe, and laugh a little, because babe you know we'll always coming running back to each other.

Thoughts for the day: The song we sang when we said goodbye

"The wind was calm and very soft, upon my cheeks it kissed.
The sun was strong and very bright, upon my eyes it met.
The sky was blue, oh so blue, that I couldn't help but sleep,
and little diamond fairies played songs to me in my dreams."


The sun has been shining recently and even though I'm always stuck inside, just the thought of a beautiful day puts me in better spirits. I've been working non-stop again but this time I don't seem as run down as I have been, maybe that's because I'm actually hanging out with some friends, so work doesn't seem like that is only what I'm doing with my life.

I had a long conversation with someone lately and it was a very pointless conversation. The day after was better because maybe the problem, no, the problem was that it was a drunken conversation the night before. We talked about everything. I said, "As soon as I'm out of that door, I won't look back and I won't try to speak to you again. If I see you, I'm going to ignore you. If I have to speak to you, I'll be very civil, polite, and I will treat you like a stranger I just met. Don't think you're special, not anymore." And after everything was said and done, I left. I remember him calling out, "You'll be back." I turned around one last time and said, "I bet you I won't." Could that be the worst thing I could bet? No, because that put more determination to not crawl back. Honestly, I don't plan on it, sometimes I think I'm going to cave, but I have made a deal with myself that I won't put myself into that situation anymore. I'm not saying that you're a bad guy or anything, I'm not talking you down, I'm just saying that it wasn't healthy; I deserve better. The best thing about leaving that day, is that I can look back on this goodbye where laughing was everything and no tears were shed, it is the memory I like in my head better anyways. It is done.

I've felt this weight on my shoulders for a while, but this time I am standing up tall and I charging towards my future, my goals, and maybe along the way we could eventually become friends again, but not anytime soon. This dance we've been dancing to can you see that no one can hear the music except for us? No one understands.

You were once my priority, but now I am taking my own life in my own hands and I'm going to let you make mistakes and pick yourself up, because I know that you can take care of yourself, not everyone needs me to be saved. Only You can save yourself.


"As the songs concluded in my dreams, I woke up to my own reality."

Thoughts for the day: Crazy to a certain degree

I said I was on the road to recovery and I still believe it. I figured out something today. I'm crazy, but everyone is crazy to a certain degree, so I am completely normal, but that's not what I really realized; I knew that already. I realized that most of the people I consider friends are emotionally unavailable because that was the norm for me. I was used to no one really caring about what I was thinking or saying that it was normal, I got to the point where I would help people so much that they thought it was okay to treat me like dirt. Is that healthy? Not at all, I've figured, that all the people I've disregarded as boring or as not my cup of tea is because they are there for me, and that was a foreign concept. Having friends was a foreign concept. I got asked today, "what do you have to offer to a friendship or even a relationship?" And honestly, I drew a blank. I could not name a single thing I had to offer and that is my problem. I have no self worth. I could try thinking and thinking and picking things, but I want to get to the point where I know exactly what I have and what people want from me. I won't feel like an outsider. Have you ever felt that you were alone, that no one truly cares? Well, I had felt that everyday for a while, but it shouldn't be that way. If you can name one thing about your day that was great for example, I finally got to wash clothes and they smell great, it puts some of the bad to shame and makes you feel like your day wasn't wasted. I need to go through my days with this mentality that everything can always be worse. I shouldn't feel like I have to keep trying and trying to have people accept me. I need to accept myself first, but no one can understand how hard that is going to be. I'm working on becoming an emotionally stable morganna, I might seem like I'm completely crazy, but I'm sure all the geniuses in the world had to lose their marbles at least once in their life.

Thoughts for the day: Morganna

I"m pretty sure I haven't been completely honest with you here. There are some things that I think should be left unsaid, but then I feel like I'm just bottling it up by doing that and that I'm not really progressing anywhere either. I'm nervous. I'm nervous about finally dealing with everything about getting down to the bottom of why I choose people that seem to need help and usually, it is the help that I could never give.

This is for everyone to read so they aren't alone, but I'm pretty sure I need to be a little more honest now, right? Some things should be left unsaid, I hear that quote a lot. What if it can help someone in any way? With that possibility I would rather have my life as an open book than to keep my business to myself, its not like I have anyone to share it with anyways.

I've been keeping a journal of what I feel at random moments during the day, so I can share and discuss this with my therapist. Oh, Morganna, you go to a therapist? Well you see, I haven't gone yet. I have the appointment scheduled and I'm just nervous. I really don't like dealing with any of my problems, but I have a strange feeling that it will help me a lot. I feel like there are somethings in your life you just need one random stranger to hear you out and you can get everything out and spread across the floor.

I have problems just like any normal person, it is just  difficult for me to really deal with them.
My best guy friend dropped me and we had been friends for quite a while, but this relationship wasn't very healthy to begin with. He was in love with me and his current girlfriend, I was in love with my current boyfriend at the time, but I was also in love with him as well. That already just sounds tragic doesn't it? Well it was. I would get drunk sometimes and I would call my best friend up and tell him how much of a great friend he was... and how much I loved him. It was just not healthy for me at all. Then intertwines the relationship I had at the time also, sometimes, I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt that I had to keep trying to please him and keep trying to keep him with me, but you know in all honesty, I had lost his attention way into the beginning of our relationship. I was making something out of nothing. This was just unhealthy in general. When everyone had finally left and I was alone, it was a big burden on me. It took me on a emotional roller-coaster and I was really sulking at the bottom. I lost interest in school. I lost interest in food, music, family, anything. I would stay in my bed cry til my eyes would burn and I started to wither away.
There have been points during that time where I didn't want to be in this world at all. Suicide was a big option for me and only a couple of people knew that, my ex and me ex-best friend; the two people who didn't want anything to do with me. I think that is what made it worse to begin with.

Let me backtrack a couple steps, when it was final that my ex wanted to leave I remember yelling how much I didn't want to be here and I grabbed a knife from my kitchen counter. He said, "Do it. If you don't want to be here. I'm not going to stop you," so I cut myself but it wasn't that bad at first, I was testing him and he was testing me. He said, "you're not doing it deep enough, you said you don't wanna be here." He seemed annoyed, I can understand that; if it was reversed I would have been just as annoyed. So I did it again harder this time and I slid the knife against my wrist. I cried like a baby, but I had accomplished a deeper wound, he grabbed the knife from me and said, "Go to bed. I'm leaving tonight." Then reality hit me, oh he was finally leaving, and I cried harder. I don't remember why he stayed that night but when he finally left, when I kicked him out a couple days later, I was still distraught. I felt like I had lost everything. I worked so hard to achieve this place and now it was getting pulled out from under my feet. I was lost.

During this black darkness I was in, I had called my ex-best friend and I bawled on the phone with him. He scolded me for being wreckless and that I couldn't keep doing this that him and his girlfriend were serious. I didn't really care about that at the time, but I wanted my best friend back. So he said if we just were friends then it would be okay. I agreed instantly. We talked like normal and it was as if my life wasn't so bad anymore. We would occasionally skype and I would tell him about my day, it was the norm for me, but that is when our feelings got in the way again. What made things worse was that he still had his girlfriend. We both knew that no matter how much we were "just friends" it was always seemed like we were more than friends, we just never said it out loud. When his girlfriend was over, he would text me and say, "Gf is over," just so I wouldn't interrupt their time together, I understood that because I was just the friend. Now, that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was just the side girl, it wasn't even supposed to be like that to begin with. Then when things got rough with him and his girlfriend and he finally figured he didn't need me to fill the void, he dropped me. He bid me farewell and said it was for the best for both of us. That is when I felt the black hole again. I began to feel numb and the whole not eating, not sleeping, thing started again. It was unhealthy for me.


This is when I started to work everyday. I thought if I could work all the time that I would be too exhausted to think about anything. I would work, come home, and sleep. Then I would wake up and do the whole routine again. It would work for the first couple weeks and then when I would get home at night, I wouldn't be able to sleep and I would just cry myself to sleep. I really needed someone to talk to and the people I tried talking to listened half-way and then just would be like it's okay, let's make out. Ha, what? I'm not that emotionally damaged that I would make out with every single guy I saw, I'm not a whore.

Lately, when I get off of work and I sit in my parking lot with the car turned off, I just cry in the driver seat like some sad 90's chick flick. I hate going home, I feel more alone when I get there.

There was also a point where my ex and I tried the whole friends thing, but what it came down to was that I was being used. It was easy to do because I still cared about him. How pathetic. I would make myself emotionally and physically available for him whenever he needed anything and I realize I was being really naive. I was hurting myself worse. There are times where I see pictures of him or of her and I get this weird nauseous feeling, occasionally, I throw up. I think that isn't normal. There are times where I feel like I'm suffocating. I've been using my anxiety medication a lot more lately too, I just can't seem to stay calm, sometimes I really wish I didn't feel at all or even as much as I do, its a big inconvenience.

Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to mention, I've been doing things that I have never thought I'd be doing, now don't think of anything because you would probably be way off, but it is more to the point of getting an adrenaline rush. (insert twilight reference here). Anyways, I feel like that it makes me feel more alive than I have felt in ages and it's like a "high" I don't want to fall out of. I'm pretty sure that isn't healthy either, but I'm doing them with some good friends; they are memories I don't want to forget.

There I have been completely honest. I'm sharing my story. I really hope later in life I can look back on this and say, "Wow, that was nothing. Look where I am at today."

No one is ever alone, I'm on the track to recovery, to be a healthier me. It is a journey I'm ready to take, one where I realize my life wasn't a mistake.

"You may see the smile, but there is this war, this battle, I'm fighting on the inside."

Thoughts for the day: She falls for it always.

Silence breaks through the barrier, the barrier of which she's kept everyone out. She's secluded in her own world, the world she's trying to drown out. She's crawled into thinking, into knowing why she's lost, this maze she's been walking, Can you imagine? There are no clocks.The mirror she's been facing has been reflecting a person so hurt and confused, no matter the lines, she's still the abused. The thoughts can trigger the shaky hands, the numbness, the times she's forgot. And no matter how many times she cries she feels that all hope is lost. Darkness falls over her eyes and continues to show her why she's blind, these thoughts, these memories, she just hopes one day she'll die. Songs could play in accordance to her life and most of those would be explaining her strife. To no avail, she will not find someone, oh, someone to stop the knives. She pleads and cries, she yells her hearts suffering to the moon, but the silence, the stillness is all that looms. She lays in a bed, in bed made for sleep, but all it does is shower her with nightmares instead of dreams.


There are nights where she dreams of you and as much as she would like to stay in them forever, the distance, the pain, the absence of love is all she can remember.

Thoughts for the day: I'm pretty sure I left for a reason

I'm at a loss for words.

I feel like there are so many feelings mixed up in the pit of my gut and there is no way how to explain how it feels.

I started this thing where I dropped a couple people, a couple people that I thought were close "friends", but for some reason I feel like the bad guy.
I feel like I'm leaving them out in the dust, but what I need to drill into my skull is that they left me behind already.

I had this dream the other night, that you were in this house in the middle of nowhere. I walked in and I saw you but all we did was argue. All we did was throw stuff and get to the points that the blood in our faces could show. When I turned to leave it had started raining. The kind of rain where everything was blurry and nobody could see two feet in front of them. I didn't care about the rain at the time and I started to make my way to the edge of your yard to reach the gate to leave. Every step I took it seemed heavy; the rain had been so bad that the ground was nothing but mud. I took another step and my foot would sink deep into the ground as if the mud was trying to swallow my leg whole. I tripped and fell, face first into the mud and the mud just started to slowly drag me back to the house; your house. I pushed myself up and tried to crawl the rest of the way, but the mud was everywhere. As the rain continued, the mud began to get worse by the second. The moment I reached the gate I let out a sigh of relief. I reached and pushed open the gate, I stood up and I instantly stopped. There was no where to walk beyond from the gate. It was if I could step off the face of the earth. Then the dream ended.


Did this mean that after all the crap that kept dragging me back to you, when I finally overcome things, that I need to fall off the face of the earth to get away from you?

"These memories have me thinking, but these feelings have me leaving, and at the end of the day, I'm slightly glad I left that day."

Thoughts for the day: you're not worth it, give it your own title.

Sigh, I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I stare at my phone constantly trying to forge new friendships and yet there is this hole that needs to be filled, in which, these friendships can't fill. Am I an impostor? Am I just trying to create something to fill the gap. How do I know that if I get you back, that it will be just like before? Would you be happy? I guess that's a risk I can't afford. I've been telling myself that as each day passes and you start to drift farther away, that it is for the best. It's late at night where my bed feels like its the size of the ocean and I'm there smack dab in the center trying to stay afloat; trying not to drown in the loneliness that I feel. Then there is the daytime where I have to keep my mind constantly busy, so I don't have to think about what you or who you are doing. I guess I'm stuck in the past and it is clear that you are way ahead in the future, I'm left in the dust. I'm chasing a mirage, I'm left wanting something so much that as soon as I think I'm close enough it dissipates and I'm left with nothing. It sometimes feels like I'm going through the motions but I don't think I'm getting anywhere emotionally. I'm just stuck. I'm living in the past.
Then there are those people, who see that I'm in such despair that they try to prey on those feelings of loneliness, but I'm sorry if that is what you have in mind then you can throw yourself out; I don't have time for that. I wake up in the morning and I go through my routine and I'm really exhausted. Then there are so many of the other people trying to help me out and get me out of my shell, but I'm scarred from you. I'm so far beyond gone, that anyone who tries to get close they end up in the shadow of my so called love for you. I feel broken. I feel that if I let someone in and then BAM! I'm hurt and I feel like it was all my fault.

I stare at the ceiling and I count the edges of each wall and the crevices that the shadows form and I lay in bed and I hope I sleep, I don't want any of those nightmares to find me. I crawl into my thoughts and I slowly lay prey to the thoughts in my head and I have no control over them when I sleep. That's when I am most weak. I have had a dream so real that I woke up still feeling each hateful feeling as if the dream had happened seconds ago, so recent. Why can't I just dream the black screen, I don't want to remember. Maybe I should, would it help? Would it help if I actually had closure? I've always been the type of person to say, "ANYTHING is possible, you just have to want it." Now, I'm pretty sure I was just being naive. I'm really tired of trying to fight for everything, Can someone just cut me a break and let me just float like a cloud in the sky?

Can you please, stop standing there, know what you want, know what you need, and stop dragging me along with you and your girl, please? I'm tired of this what if and if only kind of things, can you just give me back my heart, my love, the things you thought were free?

"There are so many possibilities waiting for me, I just have to open my eyes, Open my heart, and just hope that today will be different than yesterday."

Thoughts for the day: Backbeat the word is on the street

I know we decided being friends was not beneficial for us. I know we decided that happiness was more important than us. I know we decided that the distance was more important than us, but I keep wanting to crack. I keep wanting to tell you all about my day and I keep regretting every single time I didn't tell you to stay, and now look at us, we're more childish than we were in high school. Do you still think of me as I think of you, in secret, in silence? Do you remember the memories of you and I? Even the bad memories where you made me cry? I could count the days, hours, minutes, seconds, that you have been gone, and for what, only this lame song? I thought we could have settled this by now and lived together and figured shit out. You are lost and so am I, but when it comes to you all I can do is try. Please don't leave me out in the cold, you already know, we've been there before.

I see pictures of you and I can't help to smile, you my love, are driving me wild. Don't forget about me, because I'm sure I can never forget you. If I jumped on a plane and showed up one day, would you be the one to complete my embrace?




"Why did timing have to be so bad, why couldn't we finally fall into each others hands?"

Thoughts for the day: Exhaustion

Ive been running thoughts through my mind like go carts on a track, they always lead me back to the beginning; a circle. I'm constantly moving, working, thinking, learning. I've got in touch with an old friend and I must say it was more fun than expected. It's nice to know after all these years that old friends like you still think of me. Sometimes, people tell me, "Morganna, You're really special." and sometimes I don't believe them at all, but for some reason I do now.

My brain has been on overdrive lately, and I feel like I'm going to pass out from thinking too much. I've been working non-stop for the past 3 and half weeks, working, working, working, and where is that getting me? Its getting me a slightly bigger wallet that runs out too damn quickly, and a exhausted body, ready to just snap.
I feel like I need a vacation.

Then there is you showing me signs that you need me, you want me, and yet you let me go. Am I confused? Or Am I seeing things that you want me to see?

I've been trying to move on, and on those guy's lips I've lingered. Can I just move on? What is this feeling that is holding me back?

Things have been said to me of your life and I listen to them like its the gospel, it's how I'm running my life. It is just as tiring and frustrating as you can imagine, do you feel the same agony as I?


"Smile your smile, Laugh your laugh, and love the life I know you have."

Thoughts for the Day: Exciting-ness. (2008)

If I could feel at all, I'd be glad to just have numb.
Go ahead and put your cold hands around my throat.
Go ahead and shove a knife deep in my chest.
Make me bleed, I'd be glad to know that I'm alive.
Silence falls around this day,
It's only better this way,
I could hear your heart beating in your chest,
I just wish I'd stopped it instead.
Go ahead and run that God-forsaken knife across my throat.
Go ahead and tie me to a chair with wire, made for me to choke.
It's only because it's better this way.
Tears fall from this night,
It's all because you made your mark,
and across my arms I shall inscribe, Make Me Feel Alive.
Deeper and Deeper until I can feel the pain,
I'll know not only you can hurt me.
Let me tie you up like you did me,
Let me write on your skin, what it feels like what you did.
I'll try to efface all your hate with more fury from me.
Let my lips touch your neck, My teeth sinking deep into your flesh.
Bleed!
Let me gag you with a sock, cover it up with duct tape lips.
I know you're smiling beneath it,
Let Us Bleed.
Let Us Smile.
It's always going to be worth-while.
During this it will be exciting-ness,
Let me run my fingernails against your flesh,
Hey Hun are you bleeding yet?
Go ahead and smile,
Because this is for You!
I'll let you suffer,
You'll let me suffer.
And we don't know why we do this to each other?
All I have to say is this,
Go ahead and run that knife against your wrists.

Thoughts for the day: Rain and Fire

On this darkened day of rain and fire,
The painful sin of lust and desire,
call out to me,
my friends of sin,
spreading through my veins like poison.

I choke and bleed,
the black ink falls,
and blotches out the light,
and fills the room as I close my eyes.

The night covers me like a veil,
trying to suffocate me and cease my pain,
the air I breathe burns my lungs,
and it is destiny to take my life.

I groan in agony as the night laughs,
as the moon grows bright,
as if  it were my spotlight.

I look up at the moon,
and the evil of this day looms,
tears fall nothing to desire,
on this day of Rain and Fire.

Thoughts for the day: Small words, big thoughts

The clock is ticking,
can you hear my heart beating,
it is a simultaneous beat,
i'm itching to leave,
somewhere I can breathe.

Thoughts for the day: If you ever thought to read it

Well, well, well. It's been a rough week, work is work and I feel like I'm completely run down. I'm exhausted. When I'm all of those things I start to feel sad. Like a lonely sad. Is when I'm sad the only times I think of you?

I write you letters, novels really, and I throw them away because you and I aren't friends anymore. I want to tell you how my day is and was, and tell you about the bad things too, but then I realize again, that were no longer friends.

I've built this wall so it will stop hurting; why won't it stop hurting?

We've grown up and we've grown apart. Do you remember when we were young and naive and you said we'd get married and everything would fall into place? Now look at us, not acknowledging each other and pretending to not care. How sad.

Do you remember when we would talk on the phone for hours and I still wonder why we could talk for so long about nothing and still be laughing 3 hours later. Is that because it was you and I?

There's times where I tell you goodnight in my head and pretend that oh I'm important enough for you to say it back. Hah wow, delusional maybe. Is there a point where it's a lost cause, are you the lost cause?

It's okay to feel like you don't belong, but that's when you get up and start over, but starting over is hard when so many other people want so much from you.

I've been giving people advice and they haven't listened, is that because I can't take my own advice?

When I see your face and you're smiling, it kind of hurts to know that nothing phased you, is that what makes me bitter also?

Don't pretend to hate me because we were such great friends, but then there's the oxymoron; how can you hate me when we were such good friends?
I wish I could have said something to make you stay here, but then it would be one sided again right? Was the best thing I could do for you is build the courage to not break first and try to mend everything, maybe that's the problem; I'm trying to fix everything.
Control...

"You blow a kiss, you wave goodbye, I'm standing still watching the time, you turn around, you walk away, I'm standing here counting the days."

Thoughts for the day: Goals towards Happiness

Ive been working my butt off lately. Sometimes I feel run down. I've been planning things lately and I really want them to get done. I feel like sometimes I don't follow through, but this time I have set my mind into what I want. I'm tired of going through my routine of a day and then just waking up to do it again. Am I happy with where I'm at? Not really.

So this time I'm changing the things I don't like and ,well, I've felt a lot better lately. There are times where I still feel like I'm completely alone, but not this time, I'm surrounding myself with friends and even new friends I never knew I'd be talking to and that has helped a lot too. I have set these goals for myself because I'm tired of just doing what I can, the bare minimum. I've set these goals because they are possible if I work HARD for them.
These goals that I have set is to move out and find roommates so that its cheaper, so I can focus on school, get my GPA back up, gain new friendships, and be productive. That is what I plan on doing, I have a lot of back up and support that this time I'm going to get my life back on track, so I can be doing what I need to be doing the things that make me HAPPY.

When I say the word happy, I mean content, that you can go on with your day and smile; no matter how bad it gets or was. When I say the word happy, I mean when you can go to bed and feel like you had the most productive day and your tired because you were busy, active. When I say the word happy, I mean when you don't feel like you are completely alone in this world.

When I say the word happy, I mean the word happy.

Thoughts for the day: Claustrophobic

I love you,
but then I hate you,
for loving you,
and that's when I feel claustrophobic in your arms.

I'm suffocating in your love,

in your dreams,

can you be silenced by all my screams?

There is a tear, a cut, a burn, a hole,

where all my body had lost its soul,

The pain,

The sadness,

reflected in your eyes constantly reminding me that I'm not alone,

to touch,

to yearn,

to feel like I should,

that's when I feel claustrophobic in your arms.

I'm trying to change,

but this feeling of living,

of a new beginning,

are to me quite strange,

I've never learned, I've only strayed.

I'm living in this moment,

but that's when I feel claustrophobic in your arms.

I'm suffocating,
I'm waiting, for this to be enough,
Where I don't have to run,
Can we not pretend to be in Love?

That's when I feel claustrophobic in your arms.

The dream: The Cherry Blossom Ghost

There was a girl, maybe around 23, she was about 5'5, she had blond hair,  and she had the bluest eyes you had ever seen and she was crying. I felt like I was in the room but I was only observing, I could only observe. She had her hands over her eyes and she bawled as if someone had died. Did someone die?

And there I was standing outside of my house, I opened the door and walked in, "can I help you?" I asked her.
She looked up and didn't say a word. She began to open her mouth then closed it shut as quickly as she opened it.
"Let me help you."
She sat quiet for a little bit, I wasn't sure if she was thinking about it or not. I sat down next to her and she touched my arm gently and said, "Close your eyes, please."
I closed my eyes and I saw her again, but this time she was happy. She sat beneath a giant cherry blossom tree, she wore a spring dress and a big sun hat and she smiled. This smile was genuine and the laugh she laughed could have been filled with sunshine if it could.
There was this man in the sun and he was dressed nice, lets say his Sunday best and he got on one knee and she smiled bigger, if only that was possible, and she said yes. And they danced to their own music under that tree. As the sun began to set so did their love, she died.

He then moved from his house into a small apartment and began to work on sculpting, sculptures of her. When he went to work and then came home he'd work and work. He looked sad everyday and when he came home he didn't even eat. He went along with the motions. But what he didn't know was she followed him, she would watch him make the sculptures of her, she would talk about her day, and she always was happy to see him even though he couldn't see her.

Then one day, the guy picked up his things and threw out the sculptures and moved. That's why she was crying. She couldn't leave the house either; she was stuck. As the years passed by, she saw many new residents in the apartment. One after another, they'd all leave and she'd be alone.

She then let go of my arm and we just sat in silence for a while so it could set in.
"So you're stuck here?" I asked.
She looked at me and her eyes saddened; she nodded.
"Why haven't you tried to leave, can you not move on?" I asked another question.
"I've tried. I used to try to leave when the people would open the doors, but it was like a wall kept pushing me back in here." She answered.
"What were you going to do if you left?" I got up and grabbed some tissues from the table and handed then to her.
"I would've tried to find him." She said quickly.
"But it's been years, do you think he's still alive?" I didn't want her to freak out, so I tried to say it as politely as I could.
"Oh, I've- I've never thought of that."
"What if he's waiting for you?"
"Oh, you're right!" She instantly smiled. Had she really never thought about the time? Well being a ghost I guess time eventually doesn't matter.
"Can I help you? I can try taking you somewhere, maybe I can help you get out of here?" I was throwing out ideas.
"Can you really take me somewhere?"
"Yes."
She smiled, "Then lets go!"
She stood up quickly and grabbed my hand. Before she could even get to the door she stopped and said well, "can I actually leave? I get to see the sun, i get to see the trees? ill be outside for the first time in so many years and you're helping me. Why are you helping me?"
I laughed and said "Now I'm supposed to help you, that's why I'm here."
I opened the door and motioned for her to step outside, she hesitated but I expected hesitance. She hadn't been outside for years, what did she expect? The whole world changed and she was stuck in this apartment, just stuck. I could see why she was so scared,the world would be different and different scares people.
She took a step and she made it through the doorway and into the front yard, she smiled.
"C'mon lets go already." I said to her and she began to follow me to my car.
We got in and I was about to ask where she wanted to go, but I had a feeling in my gut that I already knew. I began to drive, and as we drove down the streets I saw people on the sidewalk and they were outlined in rainbow colors but they weren't people they had silhouettes of people but all they were was mostly pure colors like the rainbow itself. Also, some of them had wings. "What are they?" I asked out loud.
She looked at me and said, "Those are other ghosts, the one with wings are angels."
I kept driving but I couldn't hep but stare at these beautiful colors as we whizzed by them. That's when we stopped, I had drove us to the giant cherry blossom tree, it didn't look anything like the tree in the vision she showed me. It was missing the leaves and the blossoms and the green grass that had enveloped the land around the tree. The tree looked sad.
I was about to step out of the car when she said, "Stay. You don't need to get out, let me do this on my own. You've helped me so much already."
 I nodded. She stepped out from the car and smiled at me before she closed the door. She began to walk towards the tree, and as she did she began to turn into pure colors, like the angels I saw on the drive over, and when she was just barely visible anymore, the tree began to blossom.

Thoughts for the day: Let's get lost in my mind

It is like an adrenaline rush, the kind of high you get when something feels great. It feels as if I was a kid again, for the first time not worrying about tomorrow. Is this how you are supposed to live in the moment? I feel like I was a totally different person. Am I trying to run from who I once was, is this a self-defense mechanism? I was thinking today, and when I think, I think about everything all at once. Sometimes my thoughts start to blur together and I get a headache and I have to try to stop thinking and just be. I guess when I'm with you I feel young again, like I have a second chance to re-do everything. Maybe this time, Oh this time, I won't fall to pieces, because I have seen what happens at the end of the road when I get too comfortable. Is this a do over, does life give you do overs? I'm pretty sure that it doesn't work that way but that's what it feels like. I'm not worried about being broken, its all the about the fun. I'm not worrying, is that why it feels great? I finally get to experience everything, and its not like I'm doing it to replace anything, that's not my intentions at all. I'm enjoying life with laughs and friends, and when I look back on everything I won't regret a single thing.

There is also times where I feel like I shouldn't have to be worrying about my life 5 or 10 years from now. I've always had the problem of thinking. Can thinking get you into more trouble than you already have? I feel like if I think too hard on one thing that I constantly change my mind. Is that the root of my indecisiveness? I have a problem of not making up my mind and I constantly change it. That's when people tell me, "Morganna, can you please just make up your mind already? You're giving me whiplash." Well, you see, I'm sorry I can't make up my mind. That is just a part of who I am.

I have the personality and attention span of child at times, I goof around and I can't be serious sometimes when I really need to be. I avoid things when I need to, and it is mostly because I don't want to deal. Dealing, i would rather just avoid anything that requires dealing. I guess that's when I'm a child again. I guess that's when the saying, "Ignorance is Bliss" kind of thing, but I'm pretty sure that isn't very healthy either.

Thinking, is it beneficial? but when you think too hard should the choice be to just not do it since you're thinking about it too long anyways. If you can't make a decision is that because deep down I don't want to in the first place?

"Let's get lost in my mind, Can you see the light of the reflection of the end, and after all, my mind turns into a maze instead, to be lost, Let's get lost, Let's get lost in my mind."