Anything But Nostalgia

You told me a while ago, to forget anything about you that I clung on to. You told me to delete you from my life, so I tried. I go day to day and I think about you maybe once or twice; a pain I want to forget. You scolded me for loving you, for the time I grew to figure it out was too late. It has been months now and you pop back into my life out of the blue. Should I scold you for being inconsiderate? You said to me:

"You have been the only thing that has caused anything in my life. I get drunk and think about everything because you made me who I am now, It wasn't your fault. A young girl who knew not what she wanted out of life. How dare I choose you? I ruined my life on trying to win you over forever too soon."

Is this the nostalgia setting in? You finally proposed your heart to another maiden and is the guilt or regret still rotting to your core?
I took a look at everything now, my nostalgia is setting in, everything I ever wanted was to be at your side. Why did you have to go so far away? You were the one who believed long distances could never work, so why could you leave me here?

I feel broken at times and that's when I cry. I cry till my eyes sting and turn red. I want to call my best friend and have you tell me it'll be okay. In reality, It's never going to be okay. My depression keeps repeating in my head that I will never be loved. It repeats that I am broken. Who could love a broken girl?

I have come to terms that my love for you will never die out. I have this terrible small hope that years from now, we'll run into each other and our life would start then. This life for us now, it's rotted with mistakes. Did I truly think that I forget?

Thoughts for the Day: Picking up the Pieces

I wish I was brand new. I woke up today and realized that you were a thorn in my shoe. I walked into my kitchen and grabbed a broom. I started sweeping up the pieces that were left by you. Each memory I swept away was a deep breath and words I never got to say. I let one tear fall. Nothing more. I won't let you keep hovering over my life, this isn't the calm before the storm. You echo in my head, the many sorry formed words you've said. Flashbacks continue to course through my heart,  it forms visions of you tearing me apart. I cry out for help; Where are you now? I'm afraid sometimes, to even leave my house. These bruises keep taunting me, keep yelling at me. Too many voices in my head, can't I just be? I keep blaming myself that it was my fault that it got out of control, I feel so helpless like I can't become whole. I ache for the pain in my heart to leave, for you to walk away and to just let me be. I gag with the words that keep forming in my throat, something you've once told me: No, no more. The sensations in my hands still hasn't returned, my blood has yielded, it is preparing for war. When a touch lingers on my skin, I want to embrace the thought, instead I cringe. Hopefully in time, I'll learn to be me, that one day, I'll be free from all these memories.

Thoughts for the day: Dark Soul

And you broke me,

Broke me like before.

 I can't help but wonder why I kept going back for more.

I set aside all the pain and I watched you drown yourself day by day.

 And through it all, I'm the one who stayed.

 Is this what I deserve?

You would stumble in late at night,

Words belligerent, you wanted to fight.

I did my best to lay you down, but you just wanted to fool around.

No matter how hard I tried, I’m the one who almost died.

And as I cried, the look you had in your eyes,

Who was staring back at me?

I can see the bruises in the light,

reminding myself of that night,

The way I screamed out for help,

and

all

that

 echoed back was my hell.

Is this how it is going to be?

You.

Scared.

Life.

Into.

Me.