Thoughts for the day: I just want someone to understand me.

I'm Morganna. I cry a lot. I yell and I always think that I am right. I'm incredibly stubborn and I like to be dramatic. I feel like I'm a person no one can really understand. I feel like all of my friends don't really like me much. I feel like a loser and a joke. I do stupid things that I can't take back and I hurt people I think might actually care about me. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens. I feel like a rotten person. I hate who I am. Why can't I change me?

I've been wanting to leave this place, not like death or anything, but leave as in move towns. Can't I just leave? Would that be considered running away?

I feel like a lost soul just drifting and drifting. I'll never find my cause. I'll never find my love. It's a disappointment I've already accepted.

"You're so young." I feel like an old soul.

Can't my heart just grow cold already. It'll be better than feeling anything.

I pretend that nothing phases me, that I'm stronger on the outside than I am in the inside. Its just that it hurts knowing the people you count on aren't really there for you.

I hate trusting people. Why is it that people only back stab you in the end?

I guess I'll call it a night. I just want someone to understand me.

Thoughts for the day: Dream walking

I was in another life last night. I had the choice to stay and have the magic I always wanted. 

At first I wasn't conscience of it at first and I was going through these motions, but there were people after me again. I didn't have Kelsee as my best friend. One of my arch enemies was my lover. I was going to a wedding of someone that was dead but was alive in this reality. I almost got arrested for walking around late at night because in this world they had a curfew. Some of my friends had kids and when I saw them I couldn't take them seriously. When my so-called friends finally realized it wasn't me they took me to this nice apartment loft which had a spectacular view of the city. I saw chalk and what was beginning of a power circle, I walked over to the table and began to finish drawing it. The girls around me, which apparently were my best friends grabbed my hands and helped me call the forces which had helped me get here in the first place. 

I called out, "Oh magical ancestors of each of us, the magic that flows through are veins, do you hear us?"

And the fireplace in the den roared.

 "I have figured that I am in another world because of the existence of magic, is that right?" 

Nothing. 

"If I wanted to stay could I stay here? I felt like I belonged."

 The fire flickered and displayed words onto the wall it said, "What if things like even your parents have changed? Your friends? Your lover?"

I called out, "I don't care! Let me stay here! Ill keep my mouth shut!"

The fire flickered again, "If you can accomplish the task of seeing yourself and staying then indeed we will let you stay." Then the fire died.

One of my friends let go of our hands.

I took a deep breath. It took a lot of energy.

The only thing I could wrap around my head was that I was magical. In my other world I could meditate until I passed out and nothing, there was no trace of magic, but here I could do what I always wanted.

I stood in front of the window and I closed my eyes. I thought about weighing nothing, floating, flying.

I can do this I thought. I looked up at the ceiling and I bent my knees and I jumped and when I thought I was about to land back down on the ground I was holding onto the ceiling rafters. I laughed and thought that this was incredible. I made myself stand back on the ground. My friends laughed a little too to see how much I was amused. 

Then one of my friends asked, "Sorry but we have to go find you." 

And I stopped in my tracks, she was right. In order to stay here I needed to find myself. I asked where do we start? And they didn't have any answers. Oh wait I had magic! I went outside to the front yard and I sat in the dirt to connect to nature, I closed my eyes again and I started to feel for myself somewhere in this world. I felt spirits but I knew it wasn't mine. That's when I saw the faint glow of orange in the background. I followed it closer and that's when I noticed I was walking myself into a hospital room. People were crying. Wait was that my mother? My actual mother? And that's when I noticed it. I was the one laying in the bed, tubes were forced down my throat and threw my nose. Is that me? I thought. 

"She didn't wake up." I heard my mom telling someone.

 I gasped. I didn't wake up? That's what they meant. If I can stay after seeing this, what I'd become in my world, I could stay. I looked at myself and then my mom again. She couldn't see me and I realized now that I was my spirit looking back on myself, I wasn't meant to die in my dreams. I was in a dream. I shook my head and knew I couldn't stay here. That's when the friends I had in this reality said, "Morganna don't be afraid. You'll come back when you're ready." I nodded my head and I looked back at myself and I closed my eyes and touched my face and I thought about my heart beat. I thought about my skin. 

"Oh ancestors I can't accept your offer. Forgive my stubbornness. I take with me this adventure. Let me into my body, let me wake up."

 That's when an electric shock went through my hands to my body. That was when I woke up in my bed. I was back in the world I belonged in. I was physically exhausted. This dream walking had used up most of my mental energy. What would have happened if I chose to stay? I guess the good thing is that I'll never know. 

Thoughts for the day: This smile isn't fake

I haven't felt like this in a while. I can't stop smiling and laughing. It's a feeling I thought was forgotten. My heart is over whelmed and I feel like I'm going to screw things up. I feel like this is too good too be true. I think too much and I'm trying not to. My heart is happy and I am happy but there are negative feelings that keep forcing me to hide. I could be myself 100% but I don't think that's the side you want to see. Am I scared or is this not where I'm supposed to be. I kind of want to say love and I feel it slither along my lips but I hold back. I cannot let the words slip out not yet, it's too soon. But honestly that's how I feel when I'm with you. You make me smile and it's not about our needs and wants its about how our hearts feel. Is it also that I'm scared you'll fuck me over like the last one did to me. I care too much and now that I'm being selfish and screwing over people in the process I've finally have got what I wanted but was it wrong in every sense of the word? People claim what they deserve and well I think I deserve a great person like you. Sometimes I feel we have nothing in common and she fits your perfectly is that also my insecurity? I'm scared to feel and I'm scared to show any emotion, but ill fight. Come closer a little step at a time and we'll start over, we've got time. 

Thoughts for the day: cleanse your soul

Did you know that back in the day Indians would self mutilate, so that they could release the demons that were inside them. It helped cleanse their soul. 

Maybe with this logic, my soul can be cleansed. I want to be clean.

No matter how much I try, I'll always feel dirty. Ill always feel cheap. I obtained this in every wrong sense of the word. Do I feel better at night? No. 

Sure these words hurt, but deep down I know I'll never have any real friends, ill always screw things up. 

That's when I'll run away. Can I just run away? 

Take me away from here. I just want to leave and never reutrn.

Can you promise me that?

Thoughts for the day: Revelation

Our lives are one long string that got tangled and now you think you're at the end, but the story is still incomplete. You've told me time and time again, you want nothing more to just be, but exist, only exist with me.

There are times where arguing only seems to get us so far, but can you see we were only playing our part. We grew up and we only grew apart. Why is it that life works in such mysterious ways? Can't you see  the hand I'm reaching out to you, I'm going to bear the weight of it all. We'll tackle the world and become one with ourselves. Just let our love take control, it's more than just letting go.

We aim to please, but we're just hurting ourselves. People who get caught in-between only lose themselves. We need to focus on the present and forget the things we've seen. Nothing would ever break unless you were loving me. Only loving me.

Time only heals the wounds we've made, but there wouldn't be any wounds if you just let me in. I'd bandage up your heart and heal your soul, I wouldn't let go. The lord only knows what is deep in my heart, but I'd like to show you this, it could be the start of something new.

You're scared just as much as I am. The "what ifs" keep dancing in your head, but it is a show your mind displays to give your heart a break. I have my arms wide open, enough to let you in where your heart would feel my heart, and just then you know how it ends. You'd abandon all regrets and hold on to this love. Its something new to you, and you'd know you couldn't get enough.

Thoughts for the day: My heart is Black

I feel like my soul needs to throw up. I feel like my head needs to stop thinking and let me just go on with life without the constant reminder that it wasn't me. I want the strength to keep going forward. To keep living. I hate the feeling that I need to cry just to feel better, I remember when my tears were for laughing too hard. I hate the pain. I hate it. There is that empty space, the space I can't fill. No matter how hard I try its never enough. I feel the insides of me shaking in desperation, the ache of the hollowness is eating at my soul.  Is that why I feel that my soul needs to throw up. It's trying to get rid of the unnecessary pain I'm holding on to. I feel like I'm broken. I feel ugly, abandoned, hopeless. Not ugly as in the sense of physical features but the fact that I feel ugly about how I don't feel happy. Where is this happiness at? I fell into a pit again, but I feel like as much as I keep digging myself out people keep throwing things down onto me where I fall and I have to start over again. I've been wanting to move towns, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm just trying to run away. I want to be somewhere with you. I want to forget the things we once knew. I want to stop holding on to all the guilt. Why do I feel guilty? I feel like it was all my fault, but I can't control the things I cant change. It just hurts my heart. My heart has been hurting... No one can save me. I feel lost. I was going to buckle today, but I haven't so far. I'm trying to have control, let go. Just let go. God gives you what you can handle and well, I'm not sure if he accidently messed up with me. I don't feel like I can handle this at all. Tonight I'll look down to the bottle of the glass, someone save me. Save me. Take me away from this pain for tonight.

Thoughts for the day: Let me share your burden of the world

Things have been different lately and all I can do right now is sit down and analyze my life. There are times where I thought it was supposed to be me and you. It was always supposed to be us, you know that too. I guess for now we'll leave it in the bedroom. You have the weight of the world weighing down on your shoulders and there was a point in time where some of the weight was mine. I had your back, well, I have your back, no matter how many things keep getting in between. I told you I was going to be there for you through thick and thin and well darling, here I still am. I want you to do this. I want you to be there for them and I'll do everything in my power to help, I feel like I owe you just that. I think in my head right now I have it planned out but as you well know nothing ever goes according to plan. I'm sure I can help you through a lot of things I can be there for you, you just have to let me in.

-Psalm 119:28: "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word."