Thoughts for the day: My heart is Black

I feel like my soul needs to throw up. I feel like my head needs to stop thinking and let me just go on with life without the constant reminder that it wasn't me. I want the strength to keep going forward. To keep living. I hate the feeling that I need to cry just to feel better, I remember when my tears were for laughing too hard. I hate the pain. I hate it. There is that empty space, the space I can't fill. No matter how hard I try its never enough. I feel the insides of me shaking in desperation, the ache of the hollowness is eating at my soul.  Is that why I feel that my soul needs to throw up. It's trying to get rid of the unnecessary pain I'm holding on to. I feel like I'm broken. I feel ugly, abandoned, hopeless. Not ugly as in the sense of physical features but the fact that I feel ugly about how I don't feel happy. Where is this happiness at? I fell into a pit again, but I feel like as much as I keep digging myself out people keep throwing things down onto me where I fall and I have to start over again. I've been wanting to move towns, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm just trying to run away. I want to be somewhere with you. I want to forget the things we once knew. I want to stop holding on to all the guilt. Why do I feel guilty? I feel like it was all my fault, but I can't control the things I cant change. It just hurts my heart. My heart has been hurting... No one can save me. I feel lost. I was going to buckle today, but I haven't so far. I'm trying to have control, let go. Just let go. God gives you what you can handle and well, I'm not sure if he accidently messed up with me. I don't feel like I can handle this at all. Tonight I'll look down to the bottle of the glass, someone save me. Save me. Take me away from this pain for tonight.