Thoughts for the day: Crazy Cat Lady

I guess I'm going through that sad, depressing phase again. It'll get worse as  the holidays come closer. It'll be a year that my life kind of fell apart. Is that the root of my sadness? I'm trying really hard to move on, to fix myself, it's not really helping. I lay awake at night and sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I can't help it. I just feel like crying will help me not just lose myself. I wish I could build the courage to move towns, to just get the hell out of here. Dreams. That's all they are. I keep pushing people away and I really just want to be alone. I want to be by myself because nothing really makes me semi-happy anymore. I really lost interest in myself. Sometimes, I feel if I look in the mirror, maybe just maybe, I'll like who I see. I keep denying myself happiness and I can't really help it it's all I've known for so long. Where is my life going? Where is it supposed to be going? If someone could answers those questions then maybe we wouldn't ever feel like this. Sorry, I'm just being naive. I'm about to hurt you. I'm about to crush your feelings in the palms of my hands, I can't keep dragging you along when I'm the root to my own unhappiness. 

I live in this giant space made for two people, maybe even a small family, and all that's in it is me. Well do my two cats count? I'm pretty sure I sound like the person to turn into a crazy cat lady. Just my luck. 

I feel that in life I'm supposed to be working for something better; I'm here for something better. I just can't figure out what that is. I've always had this crazy notion in my head that a full life would be with a family and a husband who loves you, but then I thought about the people that never achieve that. Do they think their life is just as fulfilled as the others? Maybe I should just stop comparing things. 

I want to say goodbye to you. I want to hide in my shell. I want to be by myself, because in the end that's where I think I'll be. The crazy cat lady with nobody. 

Thoughts for the day: Life complaints

There's a point in time where you end up eating ramen noodles while trying to make your way through college. Is it sad that sometimes you can't even afford ramen noodles. It's a tough game life plays and it makes you wonder if it's worth it in the end. You know I'm not eating ramen noodles for nothing, it'll be worth it. I just have to keep pushing  ahead and hoping that it'll get better.

You know those inexpected life lessons you're supposed to learn, well it's never buy something really expensive unless you know your car is not going to break. I mean seriously two days after I buy a kindle and I use it. My car decided a to go splat! I bought parts for it (what I had put aside for grocery money) now goes to fixing my car that's going to stay broken anyways. Sigh. Sometimes life can be a real bitch. Oh let's not forget the school books I still need to buy but oh wait that's right, they don't give you your financial aid money for the books until like three weeks after you need them . Is it me or do they just want us to completely fail? 

I'm just going to keep chanting to myself, "you got this. You got this." And hope I don't cry. 

Thoughts for the day: Demon in the Night

There has been a lot going on lately. Life seems to keep getting in the way. If it's not one thing it’s another.

 Sometimes I wish life would slow down, so I can at least catch up. 

It’s a strenuous task, but I have lived to know to not give up. I work hard for what I want. I keep trying and trying and I see that there is no break.

 Life doesn't give you a break.

 Times are tough and are an emotional roller coaster ride. When to give in or when to give up? Those thoughts can play in my head for days. 

“Smile upon the way she sings, 

laugh like the wind beneath the leaves, yet, the moon revolves around the earth, she dreams to meet the sun, 

to never meet is the destiny, 

lovers never meant to be swayed, 

upon each other’s beauty they have laid, for time and time again to be bold, 

so all the other stories could be told. 

Can you empathize in the middle of the night? 

The tears will stream down your face; can you feel the loneliness of the soft embrace of a couple silver light rays?

 

Your heart aches in the cold of the day, 

the warmth the world tries to persuade to you can only be so much, 

until the nails start to fall, 

each of your memories stapled to the walls begin to crumble, 

tumble,

descend, 

your heart knows it's time for an end.

Beyond the hopes you carry, 

the burden to be loved is still attached to the heart, 

rotting with the fear of being rejected,

containing the sickening remorse of trying to love, 

a fragile heart and a fragile mind,

factitious feelings that in your soul lie. 

Future’s time is future’s will; to go beyond the shallow point of the soul is to overcome someone’s grief, the pain, the suffering. 

Take a step down to meet at the crossroads, sell each other’s soul, and fall in love. 

A price has been paid for a free ride, 

but let your lover know; Love is a demon in disguise.”

Thoughts for the day: Spanish Class (Continued)

Since that day, I had talked to my friend Giselle about him. She sat right next to me and we passed notes back and forth like the good old middle school days.
 "Just go talk to him," one of the notes read.
 I wrote back, "No, I can't! I would look all stupid and he'll think I'm weird!"
"Just go do it."
"What do I ask? Hows the weather?"
"Stop being a smart ass and go over there before I straight up tell him you want him."
"Haha not want him. Fine! Give me a sec."

We stopped passing notes. That day I chickened out. The next couple of days went on like that too. I just didn't have enough courage to actually bring myself up to talk to him. I felt like a little girl.
I would bump into him a couple times in the hall and smile and keep walking. My heart felt like it was about to take a leap and nose dive into the floor.

There was one time where I had devised a survey, I'm not sure what it was about, but I had asked everyone in the room what they thought.
 I was going to skip him, because I was a chicken, but he turned to me and asked, "Aren't you going to ask me?"
 I laughed a little bit and said, "Oh, no.. uh, here."
He then pointed to one of the answers and I said, "Oh okay, I got you down."
I hurried back to my seat and I turned to Giselle and said, "Look! I finally did it!"
She frowned.
"What?" I asked.
"You didn't really talk to him, so it doesn't count."
"Yes it does, I said more than one sentence."
She shook her head, "Nope. Doesn't. Count."
I groaned and said, "Fine. You win, it doesn't count."

A couple times when we had group assignments I would talk to him, but he didn't notice me. I was being too subtle. When we finally started talking, it was quite awkward at first. I guess he was just as awkward as I was. That was a major plus. It was like the universe said, "Here you go, someone who can be just as silly and awkward as you." The time it took me to muster up the courage was quite insane, but I had finally talked to him.