I guess I'm going through that sad, depressing phase again. It'll get worse as the holidays come closer. It'll be a year that my life kind of fell apart. Is that the root of my sadness? I'm trying really hard to move on, to fix myself, it's not really helping. I lay awake at night and sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I can't help it. I just feel like crying will help me not just lose myself. I wish I could build the courage to move towns, to just get the hell out of here. Dreams. That's all they are. I keep pushing people away and I really just want to be alone. I want to be by myself because nothing really makes me semi-happy anymore. I really lost interest in myself. Sometimes, I feel if I look in the mirror, maybe just maybe, I'll like who I see. I keep denying myself happiness and I can't really help it it's all I've known for so long. Where is my life going? Where is it supposed to be going? If someone could answers those questions then maybe we wouldn't ever feel like this. Sorry, I'm just being naive. I'm about to hurt you. I'm about to crush your feelings in the palms of my hands, I can't keep dragging you along when I'm the root to my own unhappiness.
I live in this giant space made for two people, maybe even a small family, and all that's in it is me. Well do my two cats count? I'm pretty sure I sound like the person to turn into a crazy cat lady. Just my luck.
I feel that in life I'm supposed to be working for something better; I'm here for something better. I just can't figure out what that is. I've always had this crazy notion in my head that a full life would be with a family and a husband who loves you, but then I thought about the people that never achieve that. Do they think their life is just as fulfilled as the others? Maybe I should just stop comparing things.
I want to say goodbye to you. I want to hide in my shell. I want to be by myself, because in the end that's where I think I'll be. The crazy cat lady with nobody.
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