Thoughts for the day: Ashes

There sometimes where I notice that I'm not all what I'm cracked up to be. I present this persona. "Like Me" I'll scream on the inside. I crave attention. Is there something in my head that switches this way? Is it a habitual pattern I picked up? Look at me, look at me. I make decisions hastily. I don't follow them through and then I watch the city burn in the aftermath. I don't want to break you. I don't want to break down and hide away. There's these moments in life where I look at myself and try to keep forcing a smile on my face. When I'm with you though, everything else seems so obsolete. I feel like I'm supposed to. I feel like a grown-up in 21 year-old skin. We try to connect through our minds. Intellectual chatter. Try to steal my heart, but its lost in the way of my mind. There are these moments, moments where I test you. I test you and, sometimes, you fail. I think there are times where you don't know what you want. I can see that you're soul searching. What are you searching for? I don't think love is in your best interests. I think a companion is what you need most. I can feel your heartache from across the table. Why are you so sad? You make me nervous. I feel like I should be a little more sophisticated than I need to be. Am I trying too hard? I want to stay in my own world and and just exist. I saw that blood today. It was streaming down their faces and I watched intensely. What does pain like that feel like? Even though its fake, there was some sense of aggression it was letting out for me. I connected. I feel like the end of our rope is drawing near. We are nothing but slowly turning from fire to ashes. Is this ember all that is left of two souls searching for completeness? I toss the ideas around sometimes that you could be that someone. What would happen in the future? Is there a future for lost souls? Do we continuously wander through nights and live by the light of street lamps?

"Let the sun rise, do you see what's inside? The hills are on fire, can you feel the desire? Are you suffocating in the smoke tonight?"

Thoughts for the Day: Adrenaline Junkie

I have figured out a new high. It's been a strange couple of weeks, something deep inside my soul is trying to tell me to live freely. I used to cry myself to sleep at night and I would sometimes sit in my car and just, well, exist. I figured out a way to get away from it all. I try to explore things that once scared me, for example, meeting someone online. I've never had the courage to actually meet anyone that is a complete stranger. It was a fascinating experience. I think the whole part of my soul that needs air, it is trying to tell me to become more social. It is hard living with anxiety and depression. I sometimes wondered if I was broken, something incredibly wrong in my head. I am normal, but I have a disease. I started going out more, to a bar, to an acquaintances house, something not in my norm. It is such a great experience, it is a shame when I have my low points in life that I keep missing all these moments.

Sometimes, people ask me if I choose to be sad all the time. Why would anyone choose in their life to be sad? There are those days where you feel like the world is out to get you and you can't shake the feeling. There are times in the middle of a fancy dinner, for example, my fingers will go numb and it'll trigger an anxiety attack. There are times in the happiest moments of my life, when this deep dark disease keeps eating away my soul. I don't choose to be sad. I don't choose to not be able to breath. I want to experience every moment in my life with happier eyes.

I've had a lot of happier moments lately, even if it is the smallest thing, the secret sense of accomplishment I feel to actually, even slightly, come out of my brooding shell is a point one score for me.

I'm going to do things I wouldn't necessarily do in my normal routine. Maybe something good will happen when I show an effort to try and beat this thing. It is a disease and I'm fighting it with my life. I want to be cured from the demons in my head. I want to defeat the inner turmoil my soul has clung to. It may serve a sense that I might consider this an adrenaline junkie, but I'm still too safe to try anything illegal anyways. It'll be a healthy experience. A quest for the ages.

Thoughts for the day: I think I wrote a diary.

Sometimes, I feel that If I continue to go down this path that I've chose, that I'll be forgotten. I wish sometimes I could pick myself up and tell my heart it'll be okay. I want to come home to support. I want to have a shoulder to cry on when I'm crying over which character in a series died. I want to yell at each other over which new anime to watch. I want to converse to someone over the infinity of the world. My other half is somewhere. I'm waiting, not very patiently, but I'm waiting. I keep telling myself that it won't end up that bad, I'm one smart girl. I lie awake at night and pretend sometimes that I'm in a movie and my other half is wide awake staring at their ceiling too. I want someone to cheer me on and laugh with me at my jokes. I want someone to hug me when I'm mad and sad and lonely and I want someone to know that I'm not perfect. I want someone to know that I'm moody and that I don't like people. I want to stay inside watch some tv and exist with you. I want to have adventures and go camping. I want to go on a boat, a boat that actually is used as a boat, I want to go hiking and see bears. I want to travel to japan one day. I want someone to love me for all my imperfections because everyone has them. I want to stop trying to be someone I'm not. I'm loyal. I'm the most loyalest friend you could have; a friend that would do anything for you. I would do anything to help you succeed. I want to be there for you every step of your journey. We could journey together and make mistakes, but we could laugh about them together, which makes all the difference. 

Thoughts for the day: Time

I think I break my heart a day at a time

And you laughed while I cried.

I'd put emotions into empty space

Nothing you could ever replace.

I stood up tall and tried to leave

But there are the thoughts that worry me.

Why are people afraid of being alone?

I tried to take a couple steps and I froze.

You didn't care if I'd leave and that's the feeling that's killing me.

I put my trust into a lie and it started to crumble a day at a time.

I hoped for things to move along 

We're not right than we are wrong.

But late at night you're not around,

When the nightmares start to flow,

You're the heavy burden that keeps weighing me down.

I have those insecurities you've planted inside,

Each one keeps rolling in like the tides. 

I've hidden from myself for a long time,

I'm not sure who she is anymore,

Am I a lie?

There's too many things I once enjoyed,

And time already knows I let them be destroyed.

I feel like my soul was too weak,

That I kept giving it a chance,

But it now seems so bleak.

How much can I give that I'll realize there is nothing left?

How much can you take and take and take?

When will I know to finally walk away?