Thoughts for the Day: Adrenaline Junkie

I have figured out a new high. It's been a strange couple of weeks, something deep inside my soul is trying to tell me to live freely. I used to cry myself to sleep at night and I would sometimes sit in my car and just, well, exist. I figured out a way to get away from it all. I try to explore things that once scared me, for example, meeting someone online. I've never had the courage to actually meet anyone that is a complete stranger. It was a fascinating experience. I think the whole part of my soul that needs air, it is trying to tell me to become more social. It is hard living with anxiety and depression. I sometimes wondered if I was broken, something incredibly wrong in my head. I am normal, but I have a disease. I started going out more, to a bar, to an acquaintances house, something not in my norm. It is such a great experience, it is a shame when I have my low points in life that I keep missing all these moments.

Sometimes, people ask me if I choose to be sad all the time. Why would anyone choose in their life to be sad? There are those days where you feel like the world is out to get you and you can't shake the feeling. There are times in the middle of a fancy dinner, for example, my fingers will go numb and it'll trigger an anxiety attack. There are times in the happiest moments of my life, when this deep dark disease keeps eating away my soul. I don't choose to be sad. I don't choose to not be able to breath. I want to experience every moment in my life with happier eyes.

I've had a lot of happier moments lately, even if it is the smallest thing, the secret sense of accomplishment I feel to actually, even slightly, come out of my brooding shell is a point one score for me.

I'm going to do things I wouldn't necessarily do in my normal routine. Maybe something good will happen when I show an effort to try and beat this thing. It is a disease and I'm fighting it with my life. I want to be cured from the demons in my head. I want to defeat the inner turmoil my soul has clung to. It may serve a sense that I might consider this an adrenaline junkie, but I'm still too safe to try anything illegal anyways. It'll be a healthy experience. A quest for the ages.