Thoughts for the day: Morganna

I"m pretty sure I haven't been completely honest with you here. There are some things that I think should be left unsaid, but then I feel like I'm just bottling it up by doing that and that I'm not really progressing anywhere either. I'm nervous. I'm nervous about finally dealing with everything about getting down to the bottom of why I choose people that seem to need help and usually, it is the help that I could never give.

This is for everyone to read so they aren't alone, but I'm pretty sure I need to be a little more honest now, right? Some things should be left unsaid, I hear that quote a lot. What if it can help someone in any way? With that possibility I would rather have my life as an open book than to keep my business to myself, its not like I have anyone to share it with anyways.

I've been keeping a journal of what I feel at random moments during the day, so I can share and discuss this with my therapist. Oh, Morganna, you go to a therapist? Well you see, I haven't gone yet. I have the appointment scheduled and I'm just nervous. I really don't like dealing with any of my problems, but I have a strange feeling that it will help me a lot. I feel like there are somethings in your life you just need one random stranger to hear you out and you can get everything out and spread across the floor.

I have problems just like any normal person, it is just  difficult for me to really deal with them.
My best guy friend dropped me and we had been friends for quite a while, but this relationship wasn't very healthy to begin with. He was in love with me and his current girlfriend, I was in love with my current boyfriend at the time, but I was also in love with him as well. That already just sounds tragic doesn't it? Well it was. I would get drunk sometimes and I would call my best friend up and tell him how much of a great friend he was... and how much I loved him. It was just not healthy for me at all. Then intertwines the relationship I had at the time also, sometimes, I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt that I had to keep trying to please him and keep trying to keep him with me, but you know in all honesty, I had lost his attention way into the beginning of our relationship. I was making something out of nothing. This was just unhealthy in general. When everyone had finally left and I was alone, it was a big burden on me. It took me on a emotional roller-coaster and I was really sulking at the bottom. I lost interest in school. I lost interest in food, music, family, anything. I would stay in my bed cry til my eyes would burn and I started to wither away.
There have been points during that time where I didn't want to be in this world at all. Suicide was a big option for me and only a couple of people knew that, my ex and me ex-best friend; the two people who didn't want anything to do with me. I think that is what made it worse to begin with.

Let me backtrack a couple steps, when it was final that my ex wanted to leave I remember yelling how much I didn't want to be here and I grabbed a knife from my kitchen counter. He said, "Do it. If you don't want to be here. I'm not going to stop you," so I cut myself but it wasn't that bad at first, I was testing him and he was testing me. He said, "you're not doing it deep enough, you said you don't wanna be here." He seemed annoyed, I can understand that; if it was reversed I would have been just as annoyed. So I did it again harder this time and I slid the knife against my wrist. I cried like a baby, but I had accomplished a deeper wound, he grabbed the knife from me and said, "Go to bed. I'm leaving tonight." Then reality hit me, oh he was finally leaving, and I cried harder. I don't remember why he stayed that night but when he finally left, when I kicked him out a couple days later, I was still distraught. I felt like I had lost everything. I worked so hard to achieve this place and now it was getting pulled out from under my feet. I was lost.

During this black darkness I was in, I had called my ex-best friend and I bawled on the phone with him. He scolded me for being wreckless and that I couldn't keep doing this that him and his girlfriend were serious. I didn't really care about that at the time, but I wanted my best friend back. So he said if we just were friends then it would be okay. I agreed instantly. We talked like normal and it was as if my life wasn't so bad anymore. We would occasionally skype and I would tell him about my day, it was the norm for me, but that is when our feelings got in the way again. What made things worse was that he still had his girlfriend. We both knew that no matter how much we were "just friends" it was always seemed like we were more than friends, we just never said it out loud. When his girlfriend was over, he would text me and say, "Gf is over," just so I wouldn't interrupt their time together, I understood that because I was just the friend. Now, that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was just the side girl, it wasn't even supposed to be like that to begin with. Then when things got rough with him and his girlfriend and he finally figured he didn't need me to fill the void, he dropped me. He bid me farewell and said it was for the best for both of us. That is when I felt the black hole again. I began to feel numb and the whole not eating, not sleeping, thing started again. It was unhealthy for me.


This is when I started to work everyday. I thought if I could work all the time that I would be too exhausted to think about anything. I would work, come home, and sleep. Then I would wake up and do the whole routine again. It would work for the first couple weeks and then when I would get home at night, I wouldn't be able to sleep and I would just cry myself to sleep. I really needed someone to talk to and the people I tried talking to listened half-way and then just would be like it's okay, let's make out. Ha, what? I'm not that emotionally damaged that I would make out with every single guy I saw, I'm not a whore.

Lately, when I get off of work and I sit in my parking lot with the car turned off, I just cry in the driver seat like some sad 90's chick flick. I hate going home, I feel more alone when I get there.

There was also a point where my ex and I tried the whole friends thing, but what it came down to was that I was being used. It was easy to do because I still cared about him. How pathetic. I would make myself emotionally and physically available for him whenever he needed anything and I realize I was being really naive. I was hurting myself worse. There are times where I see pictures of him or of her and I get this weird nauseous feeling, occasionally, I throw up. I think that isn't normal. There are times where I feel like I'm suffocating. I've been using my anxiety medication a lot more lately too, I just can't seem to stay calm, sometimes I really wish I didn't feel at all or even as much as I do, its a big inconvenience.

Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to mention, I've been doing things that I have never thought I'd be doing, now don't think of anything because you would probably be way off, but it is more to the point of getting an adrenaline rush. (insert twilight reference here). Anyways, I feel like that it makes me feel more alive than I have felt in ages and it's like a "high" I don't want to fall out of. I'm pretty sure that isn't healthy either, but I'm doing them with some good friends; they are memories I don't want to forget.

There I have been completely honest. I'm sharing my story. I really hope later in life I can look back on this and say, "Wow, that was nothing. Look where I am at today."

No one is ever alone, I'm on the track to recovery, to be a healthier me. It is a journey I'm ready to take, one where I realize my life wasn't a mistake.

"You may see the smile, but there is this war, this battle, I'm fighting on the inside."