Thoughts for the Day: Anything with a Point.

Lately, Ive been seeing a lot of things on self-harm things throughout the Internet, and it made me want to write about it.
Times are tough for people. No matter who you are, you go through things in your life and sometimes you just need a day to yourself to just bitch, right? I know there are times where you just want to pull out your hair or just scream at some random person for no reason. And I know a lot of people would probably say oh that's a girl thing, but really, have you seen guys PMS. I'm pretty sure they go through the same things too. But everyone just has one of those days, it is what keeps people sane.

Anyways, self-harm awareness. There are points in my life where I have stooped down to those little sharp edges of anything, anything I could find, to put lines of shame on my body. I've looked at them recently and considered that this was not helping at all, what was the point? I wanted to scream! I wanted to cry! but in all, I resorted to the edge of a knife. Why had I stooped this low? I'm pretty sure I needed someone to talk to and that I felt like everyone wasn't paying attention to me, I felt alone. I felt that maybe if someone could actually see me struggling then maybe they could lend a hand, I didn't care if they had smacked each of the marks as hard as they could, because I would see that they actually cared. Why did I need them to care for me, I should have known that they were there. Am I screwed up? Was there something in my head that was wrong with me?
The answer was No. There wasn't anything wrong with me, I was kind of being selfish. Other people can lend a hand when they can, because everyone has problems that they were dealing with, so I wasn't being there for them either. I was sucked up into my own little world where everything revolved around me.

I can say when I was using shavers, knives, safety pins, pencils, my nails, anything really that had a sharp edge and when I felt like I needed to make a point I would use those things and even after I did that to myself did I feel better? Did it make the 'pain' go away? Did it solve all of my problems. NO. It created worse problems for me, I started to scare the people I loved, why did they deserve that? I was being a selfish brat.

What had drawn this hatred, this sorrow, these negative feelings out, that I felt that I NEEDED to? Why did I think I needed this, what was I trying to prove to myself? Even now I cannot tell you exactly why. Sure, loneliness was a big part, but what was the root of this problem.

I know I used to have very bad self-conscious issues and I started to hate myself, When I looked at myself all I saw was every single flaw, and I kept going nowhere. I've been dealing with this pain, this anger, sadness, every emotion I can feel and I've been writing about it.

Somehow writing to people, I was hoping that even though I thought I was alone, I had everyone who took the time to even read what I post, someone was actually listening, and I was hoping that maybe they can relate and they won't feel alone either, with friends there by your side no matter how lonely you think you may be, they will always be there for you.